White Slavery

Jessi:
I know we've been over this a thousand times.

Jessi: And I don't want to get in an argument with you AGAIN

Chris: ::sighing::

Chris: It's RIGHTY-TIGHTY

Chris: LEFTY-LOOSEY

Jessi: BUT you may want to change your views on Christianity because..

Jessi: according to the Weekly WOrld News....ADAM AND EVE'S SKELETONS HAVE BEEN DISCOVERED

Chris: HOLY-

Jessi: Right...so...I'd start prayin'

Chris: ::drastically altering world view::

Jessi: Now riddle me this:

Jessi: How is it that my right shoe is very comfortable, broken in, nice, and my left shoe is the most painful experience I've ever had wearing a shoe?

Chris: HAHAHH HAHAHAH HAHAHAHAHA

Chris: What if that were a real riddle?!?

Chris: HAHAHAH HAHAHAHAh HA HAHAA

Jessi: Now speak about the Who Wants To Marry A Multi Millionaire

Jessi: SPEAK ABOUT IT

Chris: HA! I didn;t see it. Who was the Millionaiire? ANd how hot was the woman?

Jessi: The woman was...attractive, fake blonde, about 33

Jessi: The guy wasn't REPULSIVE, but he wasn't a dreamboat either...he just looked like a "nice guy"

Jessi: It was so fucking weird!

Chris: I wish them a happy fake marriage

Jessi: At the end, when they did the actual wedding...they gave them these rings and the judge said, "these rings are a symbol of your unending love"

Jessi: I almost threw up!

Jessi: I'm really glad that the institution of marriage has been reduced to a game show

Chris: I'd like to see other institutions reduced to game shows

Chris: Like the Smithsonian Institution

Jessi: I would like to say that I hope I never get caught up in the recent trend of "fashionable cowboy hats"

Chris: GOD. Me too

Chris: Although occasionally an old straw cowboy hat is good for a blonde girl

Jessi: My stylist tells me that I should dye my hair very dark

Chris: Interesting! What do you think?

Jessi: I don't know! What do I have to lose? My hair is only an inch long...it would grow out in a month or two

Chris: True... how dark would you go? Jet black? SOlid black? Shiny Courtney Cox black?

Jessi: No no, he said like a dark brownish red...auburn

Jessi: I wonder if I would look pale and sickly though

Chris: I doubt you would look sickly - that takes being sort of sallow to begin with

Jessi: I'm changing subjects again:

Chris: ::holding onto railing of Conversation Car::

Jessi: So I rented a movie last night...and it convinced me that maybe I SHOULD write erotica for a living because it's clear that no one else can do it.

Jessi: Ben Gazara...what were you thinking?

Chris: Was it the white slavery one?

Jessi: Yes, it was terrible. Really stupid and completely UNSEXY...and even the bitchslap was BAD...A BAD BITCHSLAP

Chris: You SHOULD write one, then. What movie comes closes t to your idea of what it should be like?

Jessi: And totally ridiculous...these girls in the white slavery ring had to have no hair on their bodies...anywhere...so they made them soak in chlorophyl and then let locusts chew their public hair off.

Jessi: READ THAT AGAIN

Jessi: Hmmm...what movie comes close...let me think about it

Chris: I... don't want to

Jessi: WHY IS THAT IN THE MOVIE? WHY? It's not sexy or scary or funny...it's stupid!

Chris: Was the movie meant to be a "cautionary tale?" For those who might be thinking of going into the white slavery biz?

Jessi: Absolutely not. Here's the plot...I think

Jessi: The girl's boyfriend gets busted for running drugs from Amsterdam, so she has to go into white slavery to earn money to get him out.

Jessi: So it's not even white SLAVERY, it's hooking

Jessi: But she ends up killing "the master", who never even did ONE menacing thing...

Jessi: and somehow busts her boyfriend out of jail...but leaves him for her "trainer" who was basically a blind masseuse

Jessi: A good white slavery movie would have to be fairly scary I think

Chris: Yes - it would actually be NOT sexy, I'd think

Chris: Unless you'd want it to be a sort of romance novel treatment of it

Jessi: Stand by...I'll tell you something...

Jessi: brb

Jessi: OK, my final word on white slavery movies is that if it's truly white slavery...THE WOMEN CANNOT BE VOLUNTEERS.

Chris: What if they think it's something else at first - like outward bound?

Chris: Or DID Camp?

Jessi: HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Jessi: You know what I've always wanted to write about?

Chris: Clowns? Insane clowns?

Jessi: Those shows where they take thirteen year old girls and send them to boot camp so they behave at home

Jessi: THERE'S SOMETHING IN THERE

Chris: Those things are HORRENDOUS

Chris: I understand that some kids are just bad seeds, but to send your child away to that...

Jessi: GOD, that's all Maury Povich does these days.

Jessi: Sending kids to prison, to boot camp

Chris: You're basically saying, "I realize there is a 60% chance they'll be raped, but I still can't make them behave!"

Chris: "Oh, those kids!"

Jessi: My first experience with White Slavery Media was an old episode of the Equalizer when Adam Ant kidnapped girls off the street and sold them

Jessi: It was fantastic!

Chris: LISTEN! We've ALL kidnapped girls and sold them out of a van like so much merchandise!

Jessi: WHO AMONG US HASN'T?

Chris: We've ALL acted as a sort of "white slavery ice cream man" before!

Jessi: ::being hit with many stones::

Chris: We've ALL set up extensive websites where you could order bound sex slaves to fit your specifications! SO LET'S LAY OFF THE WHITE SLAVERY THING!

Chris: ::everyone looking at me strangely; realizing perhaps I've given away too much::

Jessi: I'VE GOT A YOUNG BOY IN MY BASEMENT RIGHT NOW.

Jessi: ::slinking out back door::

Chris: ::conversation coming to a halt::

Jessi: ::waving tinily::

Jessi: ::smiling:

Jessi: ::making break for it::

Chris: ::trying to cover by offering dessert::

Jessi: ::calling Liza Minelli to my side cheerily::

Jessi: ::then beating her to death with a candlestick::

Chris: ::again trying to cover the awkward gap in conversation by offering dessert::

Jessi: LET IT BE A LESSON TO YOU VEGAS PERFORMERS

Chris: ::Vegas performers living in fear that you will strike::

Jessi: ::wondering what sort of party this is::

Jessi: ::white slavery in vegas with tempting desserts::

Chris: ::saving this conversation for never-to-be-realized "Haunted Picnic" project::

Jessi: ::raising candlestick behind your back, when you turn to face me, I smile and hide it::

Chris: (turning to camera, smiling) What Jessica doesn't know is, we secretly replaced all the lead candlesticks with convincing foam replicas! Let's tune in to see the fun!

Jessi: ::trying to beat Wayne Newton to death::

Jessi: ::he just continues to sing Dankeschoen::

Jessi: What the? ::Hitting self with candlestick::

Jessi: What?

Jessi: ::hitting Chris, he just snickers::

Jessi: ::pulling out gun::

Chris: (turning to camera, smiling) The joke's on HER, folks! Those are REAL candlesticks, all right! We just gave everyone a dose of PCP in their coffee, so that they'd feel no pain!

Chris: But OOOOOOO! They'll be feeling that tomorrow!

Jessi: ::everyone at party is laughing, but they have huge gooseggs on their heads::

Jessi: I didn't realize it was National Chastity Week

Chris: ::saving this IM as whiteslavery::

Jessi: SO DID I!

Jessi: !!

Chris: It;s National Chastity BONO Week.

Chris: !!!

Jessi: Oh oh...we have to become ugly lesbians this week?

Chris: LISTEN - I think we've ALL been ugly lesbians before!

Jessi: WHO AMONG US HASN'T?

Jessi: WHO HASN'T LAID DOWN WITH A BIG DYKE PORKER IN AN EMBRACE OF LOVE?

Jessi: ::being hit with several stones::

Chris: ::glaring at each dinner party member in turn, daring them to return my gaze::

Jessi: This could be a play or a movie about a couple of evil overlords who don't scare anybody...and have no real plans

Chris: ::people wondering why they ever come to Chris and Jessica's weird dinner parties::

Jessi: They just like say things and glare

Chris: HAHAH

Chris: Jessica's always enslaving people, and Chris is always going on and on about robots in that bad Noel Coward outfit he has

Jessi: Look, just don't say anything to them...just ignore them and eat this...what is this?

Jessi: WHAT IS THIS? I THINK YOU KNOW PERFECTLY WELL WHAT THIS IS

Jessi: :sitting back in chair, howling with laughter:

Jessi: ::asking you what this is::

Chris: Er...

Chris: I... I think you know?

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