The Missionaries' Position

Chris: ::letting Africa and other impoverished Third World nations know that they can continue having 7 to ten children per family::

Jessi: ::sending them a little happy baby card with 6 billion dollars in it::

Jessi: ::they are unfamiliar with American currency, make clothes out of it::

Jessi: ::oddly, they DO make earrings out of diamonds, but they don't look as good as ours::

Jessi: ::laughing at their culture, because it's different than mine::

Chris: ::pointing, laughing::

Jessi: ::spitting out their food:: WHAT IS THIS CRAP?

Jessi: Where's the steak?

Chris: You DO NOT expect me to eat this slime. Not when there's FLIES all around.

Jessi: I think I'm going to be sick...here, you eat it, you look terrible

Chris: And can we do something about the damn HEAT?

Jessi: I mean, we've got that sauna at the gym, but at least you can turn it down! AM I right? AM I RIGHT?

Chris: Speaking of that, can you direct me to the local gym? One with Nautilus machines, preferably?

Chris: There's NO gym? You're kidding.

Jessi: We don't all have that Ethiopian metabolism. Your collar bones are to die for. NOT LITERALLY OF COURSE

Jessi: HAHAHAHHAHAHA...ME NO HUNTER! ME COME IN PEACE!

Chris: ::infinite Ethiopian patience starting to wear thin::

Jessi: So, where are we sleeping? What do you folks have? Teepees or something?

Jessi: ::Ethiopians point to developing city::

Jessi: Oh, that's sweet.

Chris: Just point me to the nearest Howard Johnson's. And give me a call around 10. Ish.

Jessi: G'Night! ::holding hand up in some strange ritual:: or However you say it here! AHAHAHAHAH

Jessi: You people are cute. Very cute.

Chris: So, what is there to do at night around here?

Jessi: ::offering makeup to little Ethiopian girl::

Jessi: DON'T EAT THAT! Hahahaha...I don't want to be mean, but really!

Chris: We're going to HAVE to do something about the TV reception here too - that's number one on my list of Village Renovations

Jessi: I'm not laughing AT you, I'm laughing at your IGNORANCE!

Jessi: There's a difference.

Jessi: ::stifling further laughter::

Chris: Look, if you guys are going to ever get out of the Stone Age, you're going to have to lighten up a bit.

Jessi: I mean, these clothes ARE funny, let's admit it together...you're wearing bones around your neck.

Chris: Let's just take those off, and I'm going to put them in this garbage bag here

Jessi: NOW, these are called WIND PANTS

Jessi: I think you'll like this bright pink color.

Jessi: It's a happy, fun, on the go sort of color

Jessi: This is a FLEECE PULLOVER

Chris: And let's also start thinking about your hair

Jessi: Or more importantly, GROWING SOME! HAAHAHAHAA

Jessi: Again, I'm kidding with you

Chris: Hey! You know what I do when I'm down? Do you?

Chris: I get together some of my friends, and I PUT ON A PLAY!

Chris: That's what you people should do!

Chris: A fun, zany, musical!

Jessi: i think it will be fun!

Jessi: OK, Chris and I will play the lead parts, just because you don't know about "acting"

Jessi: Some of you can build the set...some of you can be the "program hander outers" It'll be great!

Chris: Those are the most important people in theatre, the ones that seat the patrons!

Jessi: I guess we won't be selling concessions! No one wants dung beetles for a snack.

Jessi: ::a little boy hides his dung beetle lunch::

Chris: Now, let's talk about God

Chris: I'm sure your False Stick and Voodoo Gods are all very well, but now it's time to get real.

Chris: Here are some miniature New Testaments, courtesy of the Gideons, that I'd like each of you to look over.

Jessi: If you choose to reject these doctrines...we don't get to have the play

Chris: Why don;t you go through those, and we'll be over here rehearsing the play

Jessi: It's up to you.

Chris: And let's please keep the chanting down to a dull roar, OK guys?

Chris: HA! HA! HA!

Jessi: And another thing...these lions...they're majestic aren't they? But let me run something by you...cages.

Jessi: What if we put all of these animals in cages, so you could see them all the time?

Chris: I can't stress enough how unsanitary the dung situation is, too

Chris: Are we all washing our hands before each meal? Let me see your hands

Jessi: Here, these are Rubbermaid Containers...you can put your dung in here if you feel you must save it.

Chris: OK, now, I think YOU sir can stand to take a little better care of your nails

Chris: When making an impression on someone, the FIRST thing they look at after your shoes is the nails.

Chris: Which brings me to another point: shoes.

Chris: Step one, get some

Jessi: And not canvas Keds either. REAL shoes...nice leather ones.

Chris: Step two, you don't have to be fancy, but PLEASE bear in mind that Nikes are so OUT

Chris: I'm thinking a simple, classic black pump for the ladies

Jessi: Very nice

Jessi: and a sharp wingtip for the men!

Jessi: That will look smart with a business suit

Jessi: And you can order them right on line!

Jessi: WHAT?

Chris: Now, on this form that Unicef has supplied me to note your village's primary needs, I think you all know what I'm putting right on line 1: NAVY BLUE BLAZERS!

Chris: The classics never go out, people. I can't stress that enough

Jessi: You'd better write down AOL as well.

Chris: Now, I'm crossing out "grain" on this list, and putting down "fat-free yogurt" instead. I'll tell you why - grain can be VERY VERY fattening

Jessi: Let me tell you about the Atkin's Diet

Chris: Yes - you people MUST cut down on the starches and carbs

Jessi: Heavy on the protein, easy on the carbs...and that includes BEER, Hamnibular

Chris: You will be AMAZED at the weight loss!

Jessi: ::assigning alien names to the Ethiopians::

Jessi: You folks like to run, don't you? Maybe we could build a track around here.

Chris: OK, I'm not trying to be Big Scary Man here, but can we PLEASE get the kids to stop crying. THANK YOU.

Jessi: OH GOD, GOD! Your son just swallowed some sort of fly! It flew right into his mouth!

Jessi: OH, that's terrible. We need day care. a jungle gym, some Mommy and Me groups

Chris: Don't worry, you'll all be able to drop by the Day Care to do spot checks at any time

Jessi: We're going to make WALLETS

Chris: You MUST pick the tots up by 5:30 PM, though

Chris: So plan ahead when it comes to those busy commutes!

Jessi: It's a fun little social activity. Wallets and small handbags

Chris: We're also going to be learning to make little Warm Fuzzys out of yarn!

Chris: And who's up for papier mache?!?

Jessi: NO NO, those sacks of flour and salt are for the maps we're going to make later!

Jessi: PLEASE don't cook with that

Chris: And PLEASE stay away from the salt

Chris: We're going to be doing cholesterol checks later, too

Jessi: YOU'RE NOT HEARING ME! What do I have to do, speak your crazy NAHU NAHU BEE BOP language?

Chris: Look - part of being civilized is learning to TALK RIGHT

Jessi: Now, I"m going to show you how to make these crepes. Please be sure to use fresh herbs, not those dried ones you get at the Dominicks

Jessi: Yes, the dried herbs keep for longer on the shelf, but do they look as nice on your windowsill as a fresh basil plant?

Chris: OK WHO HAS GOTTEN INTO MY BOX OF GRANOLA BARS?

Chris: I told you, we will break for lunch at NOON!

Chris: Besides, these granola bars are for US. We have tasty rice krispy squares for you. IF YOU'RE GOOD.

Jessi: Let's agree that the R.V. is OFFLIMITS to you...and your little "huts" will be off limits to us.

Jessi: Let's have personal space here.

Jessi: I mean, really you guys are like circus clowns, "how many ethiopes will pop out of THAT one?"

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