Jessi: Ah, here's a resume from a philosophy major.
Jessi: Putting that degree to use right away, eh?
Chris: The Ballad of the Beleaguered Philosophy Major
Chris: Wanted: Philosophers. Degree required.
Chris: Must be able to comprehend and explain Truth
Jessi: I have deep, incoherent thoughts on all religions and political affiliations, but I'll also update your database on a weekly basis
Chris: Of course, one could make similar jokes about anyone who studied acting at college
Chris: I can portray any of Shakespeare's major characters. I'll be right back to take your drink orders.
Chris: Speaking of, if you were offered a regular, well-paying part in a show as stupid as "Mama's Family," would you take it?
Jessi: I don't know what to say...I think I might, just to get my foot in the t.v. door
Chris: Yes - it did wonders for Ken Barry's career
Chris: Hey! Let's take one of the funniest recurring characters on the Carol Burnett show, take out the title character, take out Carol Burnett, then build a show around the OTHER characters!
Chris: You know! The ones no body gave the slightest shit about!
Chris: Let's hear it!
Jessi: Adventures in [BOSSES' NAME OMITTED], part XII
Jessi: Before leaving for New York, John hands me two pieces of posterboard...filled, top to bottom with text and says...can you put this in Word and have it all fit on one page?
Chris: "Yes - I'll just bend all known rules of fonts and physics"
Jessi: Sure I'll fit it on one page - OF MICROFICHE
Chris: Do you ever just tell him no?
Jessi: Well, I said, "of course, you know the font will have to be tiny"
Jessi: and he said, "so what do you think?" and I said, "I think we should put it on however many pages are required to make it neat and legible"
Jessi: and he said, "ok, great"
Chris: Wow - what an amazing exchange
Chris: I honestly would not have thought to simply express an honest opinion
Jessi: So, in essence I always say no, but I make it sound like brainstorming
Jessi: "My screen froze, do you think I need a new machine?"
ME: Well, we could just try restarting that one.
Chris: ME: HAHAHAHAHAHAH
Chris: MARTIANS: AKKAKKAAKAKAKKAKAKAKKA
Chris: DNA: GATCATGATCTGATGATTAG!
Chris: TELETUBBIES: LALLALLALLALALALALALALALALA!
Jessi: WOOKIE: GUUUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Jessi: R2D2: EBEBEBEBEBEBEBEBEBEBEBEEEEP
Chris: SHA NA NA: SHANANANANANANANANANNANANAANA!
Jessi: MONSTERS ON SESAME STREET: YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP
Chris: MY COMPUTER: 10100100101101010101010101110010101!
Jessi: FRAN DRESCHER: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Chris: RENE RUSSO: Ha.
Jessi: MIGHTY APRHODITE: HA
Jessi: STEVEN HAWKING: HA HA HA HA HA
Chris: MANCOW: What are you laughing at? Me? It must be me. GodDAMN, I'm great.
Jessi: Howard Stern: HEHEHEHEHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Chris: It's uncanny the way we think alike. Scary, even.
Jessi: ANGRY CARTOONS: $$#%#%$%&$*#@$#&*(!$#$@%
Chris: AOL GEEKS: :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)
Chris: MAN WHO DOESN'T REALIZE HIS CAPS LOCK KEY IS ON: wOW, THAT WAS PRETTY FUNNY! aLMOST AS FUNNY AS jIM cARREY!
Jessi: William Shatner: H.....A
Jessi: David Mamet: At this point....I must fucking come forth....and fucking say...ha
Jessi: Germans: JAJAJAJJAJJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJ
Chris: DAME JUDY DENCH: Ha ha!
THEATRE WORLD: Jesus, she's good.
Jessi: NBC: HAHAHAHAHA
NBC Two Weeks Later: HAHAHAHAHA
Jessi: CBS: I wish we could laugh like that.
Chris: CINEMAX: HAHAHAHAHAHAH naked people HAHAHAHAHAH
Jessi: Hindenburg Guy: OH MY GOD..THE HILARITY!
Chris: THE ONION: AMATEUR WEB WRITERS SPOOF LAUGHTER
"My favorite so far was the NBC one," says random reader
Jessi: "It's a perfect example of how brainstorming can lead to real creativity" says contributor
Chris: WOODY ALLEN: I'm not very attractive, and I'm insecure.
LOYAL, RABID FANS: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Jessi: GEORGE LUCAS: HAHAHAHAH
FANS: I WAITED 16 YEARS TO HEAR THAT!
Chris: DREAMWORKS & DISNEY AT THE EXACT SAME TIME: HAHAHAHAHAHAhahaHAHAHHAhahaHAHAH
Jessi: KEVIN COSTNER: HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Chris: PAMELA ANDERSON LEE: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha - SMACK
TOMMY LEE: SHut up, bitch.
Jessi: Jeff Goldblum: Uh...I...um...well...ha...I guess...haha, you know?
Jessi: Random Citizen: HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHHAAA
Chicago Cop: EAT HOT LEAD, ASSHOLE
Chris: SOMEONE WHO STILL THINKS HAIKUS ARE CLEVER:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha
Chris: JESUS: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
Jessi: [BOSSES' NAME OMITTED]: Jessica, can you laugh for me?
Chris: RELIGION: Jesus said "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH"
BAPTISTS: No, you're not quoting it right. You'll go to hell for that, sinner.
Jessi: BAPTISTS: And you shouldn't be laughing anyway
Chris: JACK HELBIG OF READER FAME: This isn't funny, and furthermore it's the Death of American Laughter
Jessi: Darth Maul:
Jessi: Yoda: ahahahah
Chris: I was just about to send that
Jessi: THE MEDIA: How did you feel when you realized that was funny?
Chris: RANDOM VICTIM: I never thought the laughter could happen here.
Jessi: THE GOVERMENT: NO MORE FUNNY CDS, GALLAGHER IS BAD FOR OUR CHILDREN
Chris: THE FRENCH: Le HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA. Stupid Americans.
Chris: CLINTON: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
THE REPUBLICANS: This joke is not funny because you laughed at it.
Jessi: JAY LENO: CLINTON RECEIVED ORAL SEX FROM MONICA LEWINSKY! HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAA
Chris: DAVID LETTERMAN, WITH SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT EMPHASIS AND INFLECTION: CLINTON RECEIVED ORAL SEX FROM MONICA LEWINSKY! HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAA
Chris: MICROSOFT: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAhaAHAHAH Time to upgrade to Laugh 2.0!
Jessi: APPLE: AHAHAHAHAHAHHAAah...sorry, a system error occured
Chris: APPLE: We blame Bill Gates for this.
Jessi: NETSCAPE: AHAHAHAHHAHAHA...EVERYONE...LAUGH LIKE THIS! HAHAHAHAHAAAA
Chris: CHICAGO'S NBC AFFILIATE: Tonight on E.R., they laughed like this: "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH"
Jessi: STEVE DAHL: HAHAHA HAHAHAH
Chris: R.E.M.: HAHAHAHAHAHAHahahHAHA
FANS FROM WAY BACK: You fucking sell-outs.
Jessi: U2: HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHA
FANS FROM WAY BACK: You fucking sell-outs.
Chris: GARY OLDMAN: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
Jessi: MAD MAGAZINE: THE LIGHTER SIDE OF...LAUGHTER
Chris: MAXIM MAGAZINE: In order to make a woman your sex slave for life, laugh like this: HAHAHAHAH
Jessi: DETAILS: In order to make a woman your sex slave for life...read 49 pages of ADS
Jessi: COSMO: 7 Ways To Laugh Yourself To Orgasm
Chris: THE LAST PAGE OF MAD MAGAZINE: Fold these two pages together for a special image!
HAHAHAHlots of meaningless stuff in hereHAHAHAHA
Chris: ICE CUBE: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, motha fucka.
Jessi: A Giraffe:
Chris: DADAIST: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH This is not a laugh.
Jessi: Cubist: qqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqq
Chris: TELEMUNDO: AI! AI! AI! AI! AI! AI! AI! AI! AI! AI! AI! AI! AI! AI!
Jessi: Kerrie Strug: HAHAHAHHA *ow* HAHAHAAA
Chris: CRAIG KILBOURNE: Let's take a moment for us. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAhaha. Now let's go back over here.
Jessi: CHRIS FARLEY: "HAHAHAHA"
Chris: JERRY SEINFELD: Do you ever notice the fake way people laugh in Instant Messages?
Jessi: OPRAH: HAHAHAHAHAHA
HOUSEWIVES OF THE WORLD: HAHAHAHAHAHA
Jessi: Jerry Springer: HAHAHAHAHAHA
OPRAH: That's sick
Chris: BOB SAGET: HAHAHAHAHAHHAA
NETWORK: That's so funny, let's put it on TWO shows.
Jessi: NPR: HAHAHAHAHAHHAA, but a little more pretentious
Chris: FOX NETWORK: When people fall down at their own weddings, we go HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
Chris: FOX NETWORK: It makes us go HAHAHAHAHAHHAA to see a kid nail his father in the groin with a wiffle bat!
Jessi: FOX NETWORK: WHEN REAL PEOPLE LAUGH
Jessi: WB: WASSSUP? HAHAHAHHAAA
Jessi: UPN: Hahaahahahahaaa *crickets* hello?
Chris: DAVID LYNCH: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH a dead fish. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Dennis Hopper breathing into a mask. HAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHA twelve.
Jessi: Channel 19: Laughing Getz Me Hi
© 2000 Absurd Pamphlet Press