Notes to the Newfangled Horseless Carriage
12/17/99

Dear APP:

The crummy little blue lettered hyperlinks are lost so easily.  Where do i put these things?  They randomly disappear from my favorite places.  I think its a conspiracy against APP by aol.  Finally a search result returned to me the home page of APP, but before that i was stunned.  I have missed quite a few mailbags and I am quite peeved about it.  And then on top of that you are 482 words short.  WELL YOU FAIL.  YOU MISERABLE NO GOOD---wow i am really venting...i guess i should calm down and ease up on the midol.  I mean...I  uh, I only take it for the taste...I MEAN...DANGIT...uh if it's possible just  uh edit out that last part.  I'd like to be able to show my midol in public  again..FACE...FACE in public. ...it's been a long day.

P.S.  did you know in Mandarin Chinese that the word ma means four different  things.  Horse, plant, explicitve, and mom.  Guess you better watch your  inflection or youll be cussing at relatives.

Wraitheman@aol.com

Dear Jessi,

When I agreed to take "that Wraitheman letter," I had no idea it would be... THIS bad. Not fair. What the hell she's talking about, I don't know. Next week, I get first pick.

Dammit,

Chris


Hey, toots. [ed note:  Dear Jessi, I assume is what this means]

Just read your kvetch-o-rama about the dick-suckin' that commentators give to Brett FAVRE (pronounced FAVOR, motherbitches [ed note: MOTHERBITCHES, what does it even mean]!  FUCK YOU!  V before R! PRONOUNCE IT!), and I'll agree that it is far too much. However, when compared to the cock gobbling provided to Montana, Marino and Elway, it's barely a dribble.

(ed note: I…I…I had to edit out the real MEAT of this letter because I mistook it for a story from Blue Boy.  Suffice it to say that Sebastian is a Dallas fan who hates the 49ers…and believes that Elway, Montana and Young receive Favre-ian hummers every week.)

Brett may be getting the chupando now, but he's got a LONG way to go before he matches Joe Montana in the mouth-spooging department.

Smooches,
Sebsastian

Dear Sebastian:

I don't want to get into a battle with you here, but I watch football on the Direct Ticket EVERY SINGLE WEEK, and I have never seen hummers dispensed with more vigor than to Brett Favre.  They talk about this man when HE ISN'T EVEN PLAYING.  "Oh, well, that's a pass that Brett Favre could have completed".  And when Brett Favre screws up?  Interceptions, fumbles?  Somehow, that's everyone else's fault…the wind, the Panthers, the other Packers, Walter Payton Intercession.  NO, It's Brett-Valium-and-Schlitz-Favre screwing up because fortunately, he is NOT JESUS CHRIST.  John Elway was on my second favorite team, and certainly was not considered by the Dan Dierdorf's of the world to be infallible.  He did get the royal vacuum treatment, but on a lot of occasions, he deserved it (especially when he beat the Packers).

And by the way, your argument is dampened somewhat by saying you're a Dallas fan.  Cry me a river, ok?  Your team makes the playoffs just about every single year.  TROY AIKMAN?  He's fallen out of favor lately, but for a while I saw him on every single pregame show, every single week.  Can I ever turn on the television without getting a Deion highlight?  And Emmett Smith?  Hummerama.  You know who can complain? Middle of the roaders.  Bills Fans, Seahawks Fans, Patriots Fans…these people have pretty good teams, with pretty good players…but they get no credit for it, even when they're winning, because Boomer Esiason is too busy bending over for Favre.
*

Sincerely,

Jessi

Dear APP Mailbag,

I am shocked and upset! Where have I been? I was were I always was and will ever be: right here, standing proudly and supportively by like the wind beneath your wings, and my loyalty has not once wavered. I may have been quiet lately, but that doesn't mean that I haven't been watching carefully, cheering you on, rejoicing in your triumphs and crying when you're down. You know I'm here, and if you ever need me, you just call out my name. (And you know, wherever I am... nevermind.)  Though I object to being called fickle, I do applaud the Hamlet quote, or paraphrase rather. I must go for now.
                                   Rosemary for Remembrance,
                                                           Stephanie (IamAtnegam@aol.com)

Dear Stephanie,

All right, all right. I'm sorry. I guess you're the one they're talking about in that "footsteps" poster - when there was only one set of footprints, that was when you were carrying me... or, the wind beneath my wings... or... WAIT, that was Jesus.

Anyway, whatever the case, thank you.

Chris


Dear APP:

What do you think of Trent Reznor?

IamAtnegam@aol.com

Dear The Great I Am:

First of all, I like to call him Treznor, because it's that much easier.  I think a lot of things about Treznor.  First of all, I really really enjoy Pretty Hate Machine, I played the song Sin for my first boyfriend right before I broke up with him, and I especially love the song Closer, but as of late, Treznor and his Nails seem sort of…mild. When NIN first started, they were the edge of the envelope, screeching hell music that everyone feared, but with the advent of Techno Goth Metal like…ahem…Rammstein, Coal Chamber, Fear Factory and the like, his music is approaching pop at a rapid pace.  Second of all, I'd love to fix him up with Alanis Morrisette and see what kind of musical hell is spawned of that date.  Both of those people hate the opposite sex so VEHEMENTLY, I have to wonder who screwed them over earlier in life.  I
guess we have them to thank.  Third of all, and I'd be remiss if I didn't mention it…I had the distinct pleasure of watching a NIN video in the presence of Till Lindemann (Laminate, Lead Singer of Rammstein, German) who's comment at the end of the video was, "He's a very naughty man").  Now, coming from a man who sets himself on fire, whips himself, jacks off and bleeds on stage, YOU HAVE TO WONDER what he's basing it on.

Think about it.

Jessi


Dear APP,
Is the Absurd Pamphlet Press Y2K compliant?  Or after New Years will I be moping about for weeks in an APPless stupid, going through horrible pangs of withdrawl, twitching and convulsing as I did when HO Chicago and his Wise Guy
cronies ripped the Random Game away like a merciless pack of filth...err, nevermind.  ANYWAY, as I was saying...assuming we all live to find out, will you guys still be around come the year two thousand, or shall I start printing out old favorites and start pasting them to my walls?

Merpy Chriswanzukkah,

*Fishy (PsykoFish@aol.com)

Dear Fish,

Sadly, we are not sure if APP is Y2K compliant or not. We have run numerous tests by setting our computer clocks ahead and then checking in with APP to see if it is still at least mildly funny, but none of them have been conclusive. Worst case scenario, we'll revert back to 1900s-style humor, in which you can expect a lot of tasteless influenza jokes and Notes to The Newfangled Horseless Carriage.

And for YOUR information, I had nothing to do with the ripping away of the Random Game, or the Absurd IM Game, or the Name That Color Game, or ANY game. I am merely a minion of the WGs.

Chris


Dear Jessi/Chris,

Just wanted to tell you that you brighten my otherwise gray and colorless existence.

               --LinToes—

Dear Lin:

AH, Lin…if only your letter had been accompanied by a brand new $20, it would have been perfect.  As is, this letter seems like a blatant suck up to get into the letters column…which is something that I am an expert at…with other letters columns that is, I get into this one every week.

Jessi


Dear APP:

I present a simple question, who's the cooler good-guy, Indiana Jones or James Bond?  Personally, I'm going to say Indiana, but that's just me

Kyle McCowin [CortJstr@virginia.edu]

Dear Kyle:

A toughie. Indy I would say is not so much "cool" as "dashing," yet with an endearing touch of the klutz about him. Bond is more cool than anything, but we rarely if ever get to be amused by his reaction to almost being squished. Bond can exit a nightclub without going through the window or punching a cigarette girl. Indy will probably win a fight, but not before taking quite a beating himself.

Still, I'd rather hang out with Indy.

Chris


Dear APP:

Happy holidays, oh illustrious mailbag.

I believe I've stumbled upon the latest Christmas craze. Check this out.

Chia Pot. Imported from Cambodia, Chia Pot comes in several styles: cat, dog, sheep, and Tommy Chong*. The little adobe beasts come complete with a tub of patented 'Chia mud' and a seed packet. All you have to do is spread the mud evenly over the figure, sprinkle the seeds, and water regularly. When your Chia Pot has sprouted you simply light the head on fire, drill a hole in its ass, and suck.

I have an exclusive deal with the Cambodian government to be the U.S. Distributor of Chia Pot. Could APP loan my three million dollars to get this little venture going? I'll pay it back, really.

-Chris (mr_dead@juno.com)

*(not to be confused with the Annabelle Chong Chia Pot model, which retails for a little more - must be 18 or older to order)

Dear Dead:

I…oh…I have nothing to say.  Pot humor…it's gold, isn't it?  Especially if you're smoking it at the time.  Which I'm not, so my face is a blank palette, nodding at your stupid letter, cutting and pasting it into my dissertation, Why Pot Isn't So Much A Health Risk, As It Is An Obvious Social Retardant: Studies of Deadheads and Teenagers.

By the way, What did the deadhead say when he ran out of pot?

THIS BAND SUCKS.

Love,

Jessi


Chris--

    Wait...wait...::draws in a breath:: On APP's Friday update, you said HO had you jumping through hoops this week.  You still write for That Site?!?  Damnit, you could have at least said something.  When the initial APP mailbags came out and you discussed how you guys were *not* affiliated with That Site, I'd like you to know that I collected all the David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson refs and LEFT them.  Forever.  And now you're telling me that you still write there and  therefore I didn't have to sever my affinity for the site?  Or does it still suck 'cause there's no mailbag?  OH MY GOD, I'M CONFUSED!

With a furrowed brow,
Princess E (Pwr2Nerds@aol.com)

Dear Princess,

Firstly, it's "dammit." Not "damnit." We're not combining two words here, we're using a completely new word - one that is derived from two other words. Don't make me say it again, dammit.

Secondly, yes, I still work for HO. But THIS site is in NO WAY AFFILIATED WITH HO. That means... yes, you guessed it - I'm moonlighting. Shh.

Chris

*No football talk. It's a policy. You've been warned, you two.

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