Mailbag for the New Millennium
12/31/99


Hey there Chris--

Okay, now that the HO thing is sorted out, and my Chris-worship is reactivated, I have a question for you, O wise and Godlike one.  This concerns Being John Malkovich, first of all, and a question of the logic thereof, so I guess I'm assuming that you "got it."  Shall I go on assuming?

In the end of the movie, we find out that Emily is the new vessel, as well as JM (or the pseudo-JM)'s daughter.  This was printed in Lester's book on the subject.  So, does this mean that there's an infinite list of just random people printed in that most holy of books?  And then, was it just some astronomically impossible coincidence that JM's offspring became the new vessel instead of someone else?  Or, if not, does the vessel's first child become the new vessel instead?  If so, that obviously means that Lester is JM's daddy, but that was never addressed in the film, and never seemed to be an issue.  Also, one last question: there was a whole friggen book written on portals and vessel-ing, or whatever, so obviously there are other vessels, because if Lester was the only one, why would he bother writing a whole book on it just for him, and how would he know who was the next vessel, or the pattern that it followed?  And Lester was the one who originated the 7.5th floor, so what did he do if a vessel moved away from wherever-they-were?

Dammit, how did he know they wouldn't leave?  Okay, okay...one "for reals" last question: How the bloody hell did Mike Mulligan use the bathroom when he was steam-shoveling?!?

Yours, always,
Princess E (Pwr2Nerds@aol.com)

Dear Princess,

I have one answer to most of your questions, your worship, but I don't think you'll like it: I don't think the filmmakers thought it through even as carefully as you have.

I have been trying to put my finger on what it was about the movie that made it come up slightly short for me, and your letter has helped me do that. I like weirdness in movies, like 7 1/2 floors or ripe vessels, but I only really TRULY like those things when there ends up being a good reason for them - not when it's just weirdness for its own sake. I'd like for there to be a reason for the weirdness other than the filmmakers just thought it would be cool to see that in a scene.

For instance, the 7 1/2 floor was funny, as was the origin of it as a floor for little people, but what did that have to do with the portal? Nothing, I think - they saw it as a funny idea to play around with (and it was), but it ultimately didn't support anything. And the point you bring up about Malkovich's "daughter" being the next portal - I don't think they intended us to think that each portal is necessarily the offspring of the previous one, I think they just wanted a final scene where we could see that Craig was trapped in the child's body, forced to watch the two women he loved together for a lifetime. Nothing more. Similarly, the other questions about logic.

If you can enjoy a movie without stumbling over logic points, then this may be the movie for you...

Chris


Dearest Jessi,

I just don't get it. What is this thing women have with/for/about musicians? Most of the ones the babes - and non-babes - drool over are, as Eddie Murphy once said, "ugly motherf---ers." Half can't sing, half can't play an instrument, and the other half can't do either. I especially don't get your obsession with some idiot who "sets himself on fire, jacks off, and bleeds onstage." Real sexy stuff, that.

Can you explain it, or is it just one of those things that, like PMS, a man could never understand?

Love and lunch,
Carcazoid
TOANOAPP
KSOCM

P.S. NOTE TO APP READERS: Yes, I edited the word "motherfuckers." I have standards, you know.


Dear Carcazoid:

Certainly you see the futility in your post script?  I thought so. Also, thanks for the link on your home page, it's clear that you admire our work here at the APP, even though you ARE an arch nemesis.

Now, on to your more important, and fun question.  First of all, and I won't hear any arguments to the contrary, you're jealous.  Not of me specifically, but of women digging rock stars when they should be digging the fast paced exciting life of a computer programmer, right? Right.  Moving on…since I am not a state representative or a fundamentalist Christian, I cannot speak for all women, only myself, and I have to say…you must not know who Till is, and since the APP is proud to be a jpg free zone, I cannot provide a picture of him here*…but suffice it to say, he is not an ugly motherfucker.  He's a healthy, usually tan, muscular, green eyed, square jawed, full lipped, tattoo free, polite and talented German.  I mean, were not talking about Axl Rose, or Getty Lee for God's sake, we're talking male model material (IN MY OPINION).  The man is a swimmer!  But even if he was not the perfect physical specimen of a man, he would still have that all important element…and that is…POWER.  Whenever I fall in love with a rock star it's either the lead singer in a band, or the drummer in the band…the lead singer is quite obviously running the whole show, running the audience, and gets first pick of the groupies.  The drummer, to a lesser extent, has the power of keeping the beat, and he usually has great biceps. A good drum solo, like the flaming drumstick solo in Engel on the Rammstein tour, is enough to put a good girl over the edge.  Your insistence that "musicians can't sing, play an instrument or either" is ridiculous, as they couldn't BE a musician unless they could do one or the other or both!

By the way, some idiot who sets himself on fire, jacks off and bleeds on stage IS sexy, to some of us.  To each his own Carcazoid…God only knows what's hidden in YOUR fetish closet.

Yours in Pyromania,

Jessi


Dear APP:

I saw Sleepy Hollow this weekend and wanted to compare my thoughts with yours (this is why I was poking around for your review).  I warn you, I'm writing this as things come to me, not in the order of the film.

First, this is an actual question and not sarcastic:  is a corpse skelotonized after 20 years?  And who was the sister channeling?  When she first put on the manacles (which seemed to grow during the channeling process) I thought it would be the Horseman, but when it actually happened, I wasn't sure.

(Side note:  the Horseman's body was played by the same actor as Darth Maul.)

I'm going to have to argue with you about the Horseman's lack of nigh-invulnerability.  Granted, his strength seemed to be reduced when fought Crane and what's-his-butt but I think the shooting was pretty realistic.  You'll notice when he was walking around the church the bullets were of no consequence, but while on a horse or clinging to a coach, they were able to knock him over.  At first this seems contradictory but it seems to actually take things like leverage and stability into account.  Besides, nobody seems to complain when the T-1000 or Ghostrider (also a demon/hellfire deal) are affected by gunfire.

Admit it, it was corny that it was sunny at the end.

I was sort of disappointed at the final tree scene, first, because of the woman's hand sticking out of the tree, second, because of the finger curl, and third, because they didn't show the grave.  I wanted to see if the skull was back in the open grave, or better yet, if there were two skeletons.

I agree that the witch-mother sub-plot was weak, but I think I know where it was going.  I think it was meant to explain a few things, the most obvious being why he's so against torture devices.  It also showed that he was so science based because his mother was spiritual, and look what happened to her.  Finally, when he sees her fly, proving there's something to this witch stuff after all, it explains why he not only keeps the spirit book, but keeps it over his heart.  I'm not saying this was a particularly good explanation, but it's there.

There, that's all I can think of right now.

Kyle McCowin [CortJstr@virginia.edu]

Dear Kyle,

I think we basically agree on this movie. We both wanted it to be good, and were mildly disappointed by many things in it.

I think after 20 years a corpse would most likely be not only skeletonized but probably more, depending on where and how they were buried. (I'm drawing here on my knowledge of horror novels and movies, not forensics, you understand.) I, too, would like to have known who the sister was chanelling. I think I felt about it the way you felt about the mother subplot, though - it hinted at enough to satisfy me.

We could quibble over just how strong the Horseman was, and how invulnerable, but my point was, I didn't want it to be an issue in the first place. I would have preferred the Horseman to be more ethereal and less terrestrial. I didn't WANT to have to take things like leverage and stability into account!

In general, I think it was a weak movie with some great visuals and great performances. It just had to many unresolved plot threads for me. I'd STILL recommend a fantasy fan see it at the theatre, though.

Chris

Dear Jessi:

I applaud you for your tearing on Dead's use of pot humor. Pot humor is as funny as Ronald Reagan in the white house. But you should include Coke (as in -aine) and alcohol humor into that social retardation. There seems to be the belief, among users of these three substances that they are tomorrow's undiscovered comedy genius. The funniest people are usually dry, so often considered boring by those pothead, alcy and cokeheads who just can't be around people without their quick fix.

You tell them all!
J.I.(ldust@aol.com)

Dear ldust:

::bowing::, thank you, thank you, although I must argue here on one point.  I think you'll all agree that I am one of the funniest people in the world, and yet, I am a drinker.  A drinker who is almost always under control (except for that one night when Chris was in charge of making sure I got home alive**), but a drinker none the less.  The key is, I don't make a point out of making a case for how cool I am because I drink, nor do I wear t-shirts exuding the joys of drinking, nor do I build an entire lifestyle out of turning the world to my side, a trait that a lot of potheads have yet to take up.

Jessi


Dear Jessi,

Don't think I failed to notice that you ignored my banning of Carcazoid. This breach of authority will not go unchallenged. I'm calling an emergency meeting of the editorial board to discuss this on New Year's Day. I suggest you attend!

Chris


Dear APP: (Ed: actually, there was no greeting…JUST THE FACTS)

Start your own 1-900 business or Adult Web Site Business!

People are making $$$ week, after week in the 1-900 business.  We'll teach you all of our incredible secrets that will take your new exciting business to a whole new level!

It's The Simplest and Most Exciting Business You Could Ever Start!

*You'll use our "state" of the art equipment!
*You'll use our "Live 1 on 1 Psychics" & "Chat Line" girls!
*You'll use our incredible Date Line program(s)!

No chargebacks! Quick payouts! No expertise needed!

Complete programs start at only $99 (no additional charges)

The only thing you'll have to do is advertise! This is an excellent turnkey business.

We also have excellent turnkey programs if you want to own your own "top" of the line adult web site.

ACT NOW!!!

For a free color brochure:
reply to: mailto:blrk@enotify.com?subject=brochure


Dear West (if that's your real name):

I thought that once I stopped receiving mail at my aol addresses I would be rid of the crazy porn and get rich quick schemes.  How little did I know that now I would be receiving GET RICH QUICK WITH PORN schemes. Admittedly, this one sounds a little better than the one I got on Saturday which promised me…ahem…more FUCK for my BUCK.  I see in this letter that NO expertise is needed, and I like the no nonsense, specific promise of $$$.  I'm making $$$5.00 off of our affiliate programs so far, so I'm going to have to see some solid numbers before I venture into the simplest and most exciting business I could ever start.  What about selling my body on the street for $20?  That seems a little simpler, and it would be exciting to dodge the cops and diseases.  So maybe you should say "The Simplest and Most Exciting Business You Could Ever Start Outside of Prostitution!!!!!"

Either way, I'm going to have to think about it.

Jessi


Dear APP:

Okay then,

I'm taking a major leap of faith here.  If this sees print, you had better damn well be the one who replies, Chris.  The prescence of Jessi might  shatter me.

ZarkXain@aol.com

Dear Zark

I can certainly honor your request that I be the one to reply - but you should note that it is still not technically "seeing print," unless you count the pixels in your monitor as "print."

Although if APP ever hits it big, we MAY well do a print retrospective of the early Mailbags*** some day.

Chris


Dear Jessi:

NOW......  WHERE'S MY PRIZE?!?!?!?!?!

http://www.rankinbass.com/rudolph10.html

TheBoy

Dear Boy:

Well pieholes, this link brings us to a Rankin Bass webpage which strives to answer…What is wrong with the doll on the island of misfit toys?  In my humble opinion, this explanation is a load of crap. There's a lot of toys on that island that don't have any lines at all, and they're all clear misfits.  To say that the doll's problem is "psychological" is not only…ridiculously stupid, it's…and I don't use this word very often, because very often it's not true…but it's SEXIST. The people of Rankin Bass and Rick Goldschmidt of rankinbass.com (a website I love) naturally assume that a girl who is unloved must have some sort of psychological problem…hmmm…sounds a lot like "hysteria" or "the vapors". Psychological problems my ass.  Maybe she's just Moonracer's bitch…like I've suspected all along.

Your prize?  Your prize is nothing.  Prizes only go to the piehole who supplies the long lost Dog Joke, a project that obviously NONE of you are working on.

Jessi


*But I CAN give you a link: http://www.angelfire.com/co/bestrafemich/till.html

**Thank you for that
****

***Try as I might, I can't NOT call this a Mailbag.

****Don't try to get on my good side - I'm still calling an editorial meeting.

 

Write to APP: - HOME

______________________________________________________

©  1999 Absurd Pamphlet Press