Dear APP 16: The All-Yellow Mailbag*

The All-Yellow Mailbag*
1/7/00

Dear Jessi -

I'm addressing this email to you because ever since I discovered the APP I have been obsessed with your deliciousness. I know that I have never met you but I am so in LOVE with you. I am younger than you, but I am determined to get you to leave your husband and marry me. I go through the newspapers and pick out what our house will look like, Ive even thought of names for our children. I promise Im not a weirdo, but I dont know how to express my true feelings for you. I hope that you write me back. If you can, please send me a picture of what you look like and I'll send you one of me. Im dying to see what you look like, please, please, please. Well, Ill go to bed now but I know that I will only be dreaming of you.

xoxoxoxoxo

Dylan

Dylan!

DYLAN! This is very exciting, I'll admit that right away. I've never had a "fan" before, if you know what I mean. It's amazing to think that someone is dreaming of me, without even knowing what I look like, or what I sound like or anything! What about me do you love (she said, modestly)? I can only imagine what sort of attributes you're assigning to me, both physically and otherwise. Let me picture Dylan…strapping young baseball player, lover of dogs, has all the Blink 182 songs memorized, short brown hair, green eyes…right?

I can't send you a picture, nor I can I tell you who I really am, because I'm 27, and my parents STILL think I don't swear…so if word ever got around as to my true identity, I'd be fucked.

Write back Dylan! Send me a poem, won't you? Wow…an arch nemesis AND a stalker!

Jessi

OPEN RESPONSE TO THE GIRL WHO SENT ME THE LOVE/HATE LETTER:

Dear Woman…

I lost your email because I downloaded it ON THE ROAD in the thriving metropolis of Oswego, New York, and neglected to save a copy of it to the server. That's a lot of internet gobbledy gook that you needn't bother yourself with…but suffice it to say, your letter both confused and flattered me. You said that after reading Ixthia you liked me and my writing, and I dare say you respected me! That's great! I can't say this enough: thanks…it means a lot. The confusing part was that you admitted to "hating me" for a long time. HATING ME? And your reason for hating me? That I HAD NO SENSE OF HUMOR!!??!?!?!?! What the? This whole website is…in existence solely as a vent for our senses of humor. If you've misinterpreted anything I've written as serious, I'm really sad about it. I try to have a sense of humor about everything under the sun, and frankly, Ixthia is the least funny thing I've written (or was intended to be as such). I hope you'll send me another letter to explain your previous hate, because as a Libra, I cannot stand conflict like this. CAN'T EVERYONE JUST BE HAPPY?

Jessi

Dear Chris:

I purposely answered Carcazoid's letter in the last column because his ban from the site was for THREE WEEKS, and I think you'll note that three weeks had gone by…besides, he knew my weakness, he challenged me on a Rammstein issue! I'm weak ok? He knows it, you know it…and the ban was over.

Jessi

Jessi,

I'm wondering, have you followed me around my Chicago suburb?? Something very odd is happening around here. I remember you saying the old friend would be there for me around prom. You remember that right?? Well, have you been talking to people from my school?? This is all too odd.

Prope

Prope,

First of all, I didn't know you lived in Chicago…but now that I do…watch it. My proclivity towards teenage boys is growing at an alarming pace. Over the holidays I got to see where my young flame Matt lives…a cute little suburban home, with a dog. SIGH. Matt…Anyway, odd things are happening? Could it be that perhaps your whole high school is reading the APP and therefore telling that girl that she should go out with you? Or is it that subliminally, my John Hughesian advice has caused you to look at her in a different light, making you interpret what she says and does differently? Did the cool girls give her a musical montage makeover ala Clueless? Use caution young Prope…don't move too quickly on this issue…the prom isn't until May, right? Just treat her nicely until about April 10th, and then ask her to the prom. If Jennifer Love Hewitt calls before then, meet her for coffee somewhere other than prom.

And promise me this: that I can come to the wedding.

Jessi

Dear APP:

Ok, i feel the desperate need to address 2 things, both of a,...different...content, and this seemed like the perfect place to do it.1. Maybe i missed the poll (im at the store a lot) but when did we start bowing to the lemmings(def.those people who wear the "kool" clothes and say the "right" things, and those people who go about there life never questioning, and accepting whatever is placed before them, also never try to act themselves or strive for true happieness*.) Why aren't the people who are themselves and have brilliant thoughts regarded as whatt they are? Why are they just called weird? I mean, lemmings invented wrestling!!!**Sorry, just had to say something.2.Why do we have the letter C?If we all agreed ch=kh c=s or k, there would be no point for it, and we could make f=ph as well. Think of the time saved when reciting the alphabet.3.(im making it) Just like to point out that princess e., we already talked about malkovitch.4.(see my point adding power)its ok to be skitzophrinic. Fear the beep!

Ben

Ben:

Why do you sign your letter Ben, when your email address clearly states your name as PETER?

Ben, Ben, BEN. All spelling errors aside, I can sense that your anger at society is laced with a little bit of jealousy at the kool kids. And I am only able to say this with confidence because at the ripe old age of twenty seven, I have just recently pulled myself from the quagmire that is "unkoolness", which I suffered throughout my highschool and college years. I was a skater chick in highschool because the lemming girls wouldn't accept me…the boys didn't like me because I didn't play field hockey, and instead of admitting that they had hurt my feelings by doing that, I became a card carrying freak of nature, shaving my head and wearing Oakleys because "I wasn't going to bow to the lemmings". Everyone wants to be popular, that's why we want to be rich, and powerful, and famous…because it all leads to sex and popularity. Your argument that we're all following those people really only applies to people even stupider than the lemmings and, sorry to say it, teenagers. I don't follow anyone anymore, and honestly, it's made me a more relaxed, happier person…but trust it, it took me a long time to do it.

Your idea to do away with the letter C and PH sounds mysteriously like a language I like to call: GERMAN…the most sexy romantic language around. For more information about German, consult your local library.

It IS ok to be skitzophrinic…but schizophrenia is something that your doctor should be informed about.

Love always,

Jessi

Dear APP,

I'm wounded. I do not go about preaching the merits of pot, nor do I go about pushing for its legalization. Hell, I don't even smoke it. I was simply watching a Chia Pet commercial the other day, and the thought struck me. The 'drill a hole in its ass, light the head and suck' thing was just too good to pass up. I thought you'd be amused, but, not only did you not find it amusing, thereby shattering my illusions yet again, you said it was ... stupid. Now I fond that there are other mailbag denizens tearing into me for things that I have never even done. Why do you hate me so? I've done nothing to you! I like the mailbag. The mailbag is my friend. And you have rejected me! ::sob::

mrdead

Dead:

I'm sorry…I took my pot and/or chia pet anger out on you, but both of these things have been done to death on the comedy scene. Why do you think that Jim Breuer no longer has a job? HE CAN'T DO ANYTHING BUT POT JOKES. I mean, it's 2000 now. Let's lay a lot of things to rest, pot, chia pets, Clinton and his cigars, Gore and his internet, O.J. Let those things go, alright? There's a plethora of things to joke about, things that are fresh and new…like how about all the people who spent last weekend in a bomb shelter! Let's make fun of them for eight months, ok? Deal.

Leave mrdead alone, pieholes…he's suffered enough.

Jessi

* Except for this one little bit of green, in which I explain that Hecklers kept me so busy this week that I barely had time to leave my cubicle, much less keep up my end of APP. Mea Culpa!

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