Dear APP 17: Mission: Make Jessi Cry

Mission: Make Jessi Cry
1/14/00

Dear Jessi:

Yes, I'm "The Woman."

Heh.

As for my previous hate, it was only jealousy. My psychiatrist said that in order for me to understand my feelings, I must go to the roots of the problem. And my root was, well...dammit. I was jealous. That you're DAMN funny. ::sigh:: But now, yes, there is respect involved. Ixthia is damn good, and after following the first few installments, realized that you're pretty talented with writing. Unlike myself. Thus the jealousness turned respect...see? You don't? Oh well. At least I can go back to hating you for being stupid.

And *I* wanna be able to download on the road, too!!!!!! That's fucking cool..

I said "load."

Heh.

Jen

p.s. Are you still confused? Poor thing.

Dear Jen:

Don't…say…load anymore, OK? Let's make that our little pact. Don't ever be jealous of me…because I find that when you are jealous of someone, it's best to think of what you'd have to take ALONG with the good attributes if you became that person. If you became me, you'd have to inherit two bulging disks (heh…I said bulging), migraine headaches…and all of Prope's day to day problems. (I'm just kidding Prope, where've ya been?)

I'm not stupid…trust that. So there's no need to revive the hate…and I'm no longer confused about the issue either…because this probably explains why I hate Charlize Theron…it's because I secretly love her.

Jessi

Dear Chris,

Im just wondering, when exactly do you think we'll stop seeing and hearing "Smooth" by Santana and Rob Thomas? ::looks down at it's welcome mat:: SEE, it is so worn out. For that matter, although Lenny Kravitz does kick ass, do
we still have to hear "American Woman?" Everyone knows that song is best performed by the Guess Who.

Prope6310@aol.com

Dear Prope,

I'm sorry to say that I don't have an answer to your question, Prope. Since the album has been selling so well, I suppose the radio stations feel we need to be able to also hear it all the time over the airwaves so that we won't wear out our personal copies. Also, someone high up in the MTV / VH1 ranks has decided that, just in case we forget what the video looks like, they're going to pretty much show it on the hour.

The thing is, it's actually a good song. To give you an idea of how hard that is for me to say, I don't really care for Poser Rob Thomas. I'd really like to be able to hate the song - but I can't. So naturally, it has to die the Death of Overplay.

But Prope - don't break bad on Lenny.

Chris

Jessi--

Okay, first of all, gotta say: I luved your column sans Chris. Y'know what you should really do? Join sides with Liechtenstein & Guam who are already plotting to take over the world via mass confusion and an anti-love-in, take over the world with them, then overthrow them and rule all. Then you could hakle Chris up and throw him in a closet, only to write his pieces for AbPam, then be closetbound again. Okay, wait...I'm late for my Megalomaniacs Anonymous meeting. Pardon.

::whittles away the time::

Anyways, I really just wanted to let you know the odd circumstance of me dreaming about you the other day. Yeah...really. Y'see, I dreamt that I was in a theatre where a bunch of prestigious, scientific assholes were lecturing about how great they were. Then, at the end, this guy announced that for the ::ahem:: hefty fee of fifty cents, anyone could get up and just *talk* First the object of my affection (for now) gave a fascinating monolouge on being gay in today's society. Then you got up on stage (I swear to Goddess it was you...I mean, you may not have looked like you, but my subconscious knew it was you...besides, she was a total babe, so it was a compliment either way) and first began talking about wilting, which switched to a really kickass performance piece, which consisted mainly of a one-woman Romeo&Juliet mass suicide scene. After that, I was driving my mom's wood-paneled 1971 Volkswagon onto the busy Las Vegas highways. A penguin in a lemon-yellow Jag ran into me. Then I woke up and realized that I was about a half-hour late for school.

Anyway, that's it, so keep up the excellent work, tell Chris that I still luv him, even though he *does* seem to offend me constantly on a telepathic (telepathetic, maybe...) level that only I can pick up on. He's probably a great guy, though. I trust your judgement. So, like, have a nice day.

Yours, always,
Princess e

P.S. I was only kidding about the LIechtenstein/Guam thing. Really. I'm not part of their sinistar plot at all...::looks away quasi-guiltily::

P.P.S. To the alleged "Ben"-- sure, we covered Malkovich before that, but some of us don't have the attention span of chimps. ::snig::

Dear Princess e:

What? You lost me after you suggested shackling up Chris in a closet.

Jessi

Dear APP:

Mr. Dead won't be able to send a letter to the mailbag today, as he was abducted by aliens and is still recovering from the rectal probe and DNA sampling.

Signed,

Epstein's Mom

Chris D McMillan [mr_dead@juno.com]

Dear Ms. Dead,

We send our best not only to your son, but to the unfortunate extraterrestrials who were picked to perform the probe. Here's wishing a speedy recovery to everyone involved in the incident.

Chris

Dear APP:

from now on CortJstr@hotmail.com is my primary e-mail address, please discontinue use of CortJstr@virginia.edu;

CortJstr

Dear APP READERS (pieholes):

Looks like CortJstr's TOO COOL FOR SCHOOL! Maybe he's starting a band. Drop him a line, and wish him luck.

Jessi

Dear Chris,

I like the index, although frames are generally evil, you have used yours for the purposes of good, you deserve a cookie.

On a more solemn note, I'm not sure if the news in your neck of the woods has talked about the Dorr girl, but she was murdered either 13 or 16 years ago, I forget which, and just last week the killer led the police to her grave and when they dug her up, she was indeed skeletonized, so I guess that's a rather grim answer to my quesiton from Sleepy Hollow.

"Winter is nature's way of saying 'up yours'."
Kyle M. McCowin (CortJstr@hotmail.com)

Dear Kyle,

Thanks for the compliment about the Bob Tallmadge index. I suppose I should really be taking any and all suggestions you'd like to see implemented in it, since YOU, JESSI, AND MYSELF ARE THE ONLY ONES READING THE SERIAL.

::looking meaningfully at entire world, with exception of us three; world awkwardly avoiding my gaze::

Maybe one day I'll write us all into the story.

I don't know about the Dorr girl. I will only say - it is uncanny the way life imitates art.

Chris

Dear APP:

I find my life lacking. I have a witty, charming wife and an adorable baby girl, but something is still missing. I'm in the process of joining the military, which would solve so many of my family's problems and insecurities, but I'm still bored.

Can I be your arch-nemesis? I know you've got a few already, but I really need something to do. I think I'm qualified. I like to wear leather, and ... ummm ... I've got a tattoo, and I ... errr... swear a lot, and have some piercings, and scare little kids, and ... ummmm .... before I decided to join the service I had really long hair ... oh! I even have a maniacal laugh, how's this: Bwahahahahahahahahahaaaaa!

So whaddaya say, do I qualify?

mr_dead@juno.com

Dear Mr. Dead,

An Arch Nemesis position would be fine, but... I really think this is just the side effects of the probing talking. Let's give it a few days and see how you feel then.

Chris

Dear Readers:

Hey guys, thanks so much for your thunderous response to our fiction contest! WOW, I can't begin to express what total slackers you are. I know that the talent you witness from Chris and I on a weekly basis is daunting, but trust me, you can write things too. Your response to our contest, (zero) let's us know (a) that we never need to open up the APP to contributors and (b) that you don't even care about us.

Kudos.

If your mission was to make Jessi cry….MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

Jessi

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