Now You've Done It
1/21/00
First, a montage of the many mails received regarding the fiction contest:
Dear APP:
You mean NOBODY submitted anything? Had I known that there was a fiction contest going on, I would have sent in something, despite the fact that I am an aspiring Arch Nemesis.
Could... could I still submit something?
mr. dead
Piehole:
NO, dammit, you can't. Now look, we put up a huge article on the front page, right at the top that said, OUR VERY FIRST CONTEST. It outlined the rules, the prizes and the deadline…you have no excuse. I don't want to sound mean, or even abusive, because I like you, and your letters and thoughts are important to this website (and as you'll see in the
following letters, yours was the nicest we received), but cripes, when do we get a little respect in return????
Jessi
Dear APP:
Perhaps you shouldn't have taken such a pompous viewpoint of the thing. What makes you think ANYONE would want to squander any pinprick's worth of genius they have on writing about YOUR web site? I know that's the reason I haven't contributed anything.
PS No accusations of hypocrisy, since I'm just asking you to judge my site, while you're providing us with the HONOR of completely creating a piece of fiction from our own inspiration on a subject that wasn't a product of our inspiration in the first place. And I'm sick of being a Piehole.
Delavine@aol.com
Piehole:
Watch me count to ten, very slowly. You know, I'm going to write a letter to The Onion, The Brunching Shuttlecocks and, hmm, maybe HECKLERS ONLINE and ask them if they get anally raped like this by their readers on a daily basis. If you don't want to submit fiction about the APP then just sit in the corner and pull your dick for an hour, it makes no difference to me. But DON'T tell ME how to pick contest topics or how I can best inspire you to grant us with your infinite creativity. The reason I picked the Mysterious Origins Of The APP (not that it's any of your business) was that we've gotten a small deluge of letters asking about Chris and I and APP and who we are, so we thought we'd come up
with a creative way to answer it. Besides, I wanted to avoid the onslaught of letters saying "I couldn't think of anything to write, what should I write, blah blah blah. It was just a fucking starting point, Del, allowing your imagination to run wild beyond the simple, non restrictive boundaries of THREE SIMPLE ITEMS.
Jesus CHRIST, your letter was mean. It was mean. It hurt my feelings and made me genuinely sad. I'm not even kidding. Only three letters have ever made me actually hurt and sad in the history of APP, and the third one is down the column a little bit.
Oh, and guess what? From now on, you're the only piehole, DELAVINE, everyone else is a human being.
Lovingly,
Jessi
P.S. If I even thought for a second that you sent this letter in jest, just to get my ire up, all would be forgiven, but I sense from the full text that you hate me, and love Chris…I hope you're happy together.
Dear APP:
About your lack of responses to the fiction contest...I have a theory. Just a theory mind you. What if a large majority of your readers suffer from Alien Hand Syndrome and the aliens, having been discovered, abducted them all, removed their hands, and sent them back to Earth, now only able to type with a pencil in their teeth, their extended external genitalia, or the stumpy wrists where their hands once were, leaving them helpless to write 1,000 words by the given deadline?
Me, I was just lazy.
Psykofish
Psyko:
Your honesty is refreshing, if not typical, and your theory is valid, if not terrifying. Based on some of the spelling and grammar of some of the mail we receive, I can only assume it was typed by flaccid penises.
In other news, it occurred to me that perhaps the gentle readers didn't know what Alien Hand Syndrome even was…and for that, I'm sorry (although you COULD have asked). I thought it was a well regarded fact, seeing as it had it's own special on The Learning Channel. Alien Hand Syndrome occurs when one believes that their hand is possessed by an outside force, resulting in the hand acting ON ITS OWN ACCORD. In one case, a man said that the alien hand used to try and strangle him in his sleep, and in fact slammed doors shut on his OTHER HAND -- chilling. It's quite fascinating…and certainly something that a creative writer could do something with.
But your theory has been considered.
Jessi
Hey, Gang!
You know, I for one liked the old Hecklers mailbag better. Ever since you adopted that color scheme, and found that harlot, the quality has seemed to go downhill.
What am I saying? I am saying that the APP has become a breeding ground for pop culture that I don't understand. In fact, I make an active effort to avoid pop-culture. But, being the humor enthusiast I am, I am drawn to your site like moths to a fire. The mailbag sucks. It's Chris fans saying why they hate Jesse, Jesse fans saying why they hate Chris, Jesse answering letters about pop culture, and Chris staying seemingly silent. It's a sign of the apocalypse, I swear.
And for your humor contest, I tried to think up something, but I have little free time for frivious things like that. My time is better spent complaining to editors, and continuing my mission to be the greatest Pokemon master in the world, with or without an APP grant.
-Zark Xain
Zark:
GOD! GOD! I just got over being pissed about Delavine and then I get called a Harlot and am accused of ruining the letters column. MY NAME, first of all is JESSI with an I, Zark, and the battle of who likes who was settled months ago. Why don't you go back and reread the columns. We've been discussing fabulous things in your absence, and you should catch up.
And seriously, how long has it taken you to realize that this site is about pop culture? MY WHOLE LIFE IS ABOUT POP CULTURE, and I venture to say that a big percentage of Chris' life is about pop culture. THAT'S WHY IT'S CALLED POP CULTURE…BECAUSE IT'S POPULAR.
Don't tell me Zark, because I've already got you all figured out. You're me, ten years ago. The anarchy symbol on your notebook, a deep hatred of the 'mainstream', you praise communism, think God is dead. Nothing is cool unless it's Tarantino.
Your letter made me sadder than Delavine's because you just came right out and said that I sucked. Thank you….thank you so much. It's nice to see that you give others a chance.
Jessi
Dear Jessi,
I cannot help but be sad for you. You have not built up the resistance that I have against a steady stream of ingrates. I have been conditioned to it from years of being bombarded with them at Hecklers. "Although we, the users, provide content for most of your areas, we're complaining to you about the quality of that content," just about sums up the complaint I have been dealing with for four years or so. I cannot relate to you the many times I have looked at someone's throughtless comment about a contest or column at HO, and said GOD! GOD! In the same way that you just did.
Don't forget: some people complain because it is the only thing they are good at. Have you actually LOOKED at some of the websites these complainers have set up for THEMSELVES?
Chris
Jessi and Chris:
Believe it or not, I am not dead.
I for one think that any mail that starts out with those words HAS to be a good one, don't you? But no, sadly for you, I am not dead. Nor have I been lurking, reading each mailbag with anticipation. To put it in a nutshell: I have not cared about the AbPam since I was shunned from its pages.
But I am not bitter. I do not conspire against the fine folks at AbPam. Chris and I have a history (Chris: you probably don't recall most of my submissions to the Mailbag That Shant Be Mentioned In The AbPam, but smile and nod, okay?), and Jessi makes me laugh, so... Well, I'll hang out in the Review section, and... get this... OFFER TO CONTRIBUTE. I know that you're upset about the lack of fiction entries, but I can't write fiction. So, if you'd like reviews of some movies every so often (I'd LOVE to do one on Man on the Moon...), just drop me a line. I'll be happy to "ride bitch" and work for free.
Thus, you have two things from this: 1. The return of a mailbag fan, and 2. A possible contributor.
Yea, the Gods smile upon ye this day.
Regards,
RedShoes60@aol.com
Dear Red Shoes,
First of all, it's not "The Abpam." It's "APP." Second of all, I don't even remembering shunning you. I admit that sometimes I tend to shun people, reflexively, unconsciously, and then not even recall doing it. I'm what they call an "autoshunnist." Thirdly, of course I remember you over in the HO mailbag. You were a regular and valued contributor.
Fourthly, we're not accepting reviews at this time. But thanks for the offer. Yea, the APP Mailbag has smiled upon you on this day.
Chris
Now: This was the OTHER part of Delavine's letter to APP this week:
<<Thanks for the compliment about the Bob Tallmadge index. I suppose I should really be taking any and all suggestions you'd like to see implemented in it, since YOU, JESSI, AND MYSELF ARE THE ONLY ONES READING THE SERIAL>>
How wrong you are! I only wish it was moving more quickly, so I could better devote my attention to it. But then, since I'm not getting anything written too quickly, I'm no one to judge.
Dear Delavine,
Thanks so much for the enthusiasm. It's kind comments like that, and encouragement from Jessi, that keep Bob alive. Remember, folks: Bob Tallmadge is like Tinkerbell. In order for him to live, we must show that we believe in him. Please. If you love Bob Tallmadge, clap! CLAP! CLAP!
Chris
Jessi,
Thank God for you.
You, and all that you live for, are the main reason I go to this site daily. You're feelings towards this site and those who read it actually COMPEL ME to read the Dear APP. For instance, the fiction contest. I know how it feels to put out something that you're sure will get a lot of responses, only to have your face shoved in the mud while everyone laughs and points. My only guess as to why no one sent in any stories is that they were intimidated. They were afraid that you (or Chris) would criticize their tales, not realizing that some criticism is actually GOOD for a story.
I honestly think that Chris doesn't pull his weight around here. While you spend your time answering all these letters, having your heart wrenched by letters from internet junkie assholes, Chris is doing God-knows-what in Hecklers Online, which sucks now ever since Playboy took it over.
(Although I feel sorry for Chris for having to screw around with the Zealot kids way back when ... but that's another story)
Jessi, you are the reason I check on "Dear APP" every day -- sometimes twice a day. The fact that you are so damn opinionated is refreshing. While Chris tiptoes around his opinions, you are THERE, rummaging around in the middle of it. I find that very, very admirable.
I like you a lot, Jessi. Don't take that the wrong way; I don't want to stalk you, I don't want to break into your house and steal your underwear (you live too far away from me anyway). I respect you. I feel that it is your RIGHT to be happy, and every time that you are not happy, I want to maim the person/thing/belief that has made you unhappy. You are the kind of person I want to take time out of my schedule to TALK to, because you're just so damn interesting.
But I digress.
You ARE this website, Jessi. You have the power to hate anyone who writes to it.
Sincerely,
Josh Belville [zornog@hotmail.com]
P.S. I like you too, Chris, even though you're an ass to the Random Gamers.
Dear Josh,
I feel so much better knowing that you like me. You LIKE ME! YOU LIKE ME! Tell you what, Josh! Take all that like, and stuff it up your ass! OK? Wow! Now I feel even BETTER!
Let's get one thing clear, dipstick. You don't know WHAT weight I pull around here, just like you don't know much about Hecklers, as evidenced by your Playboy comment. I'm happy that you like Jessi's writings as I do, but other than that one glimmer of taste, you seem like a real idiot.
I'll say to you the same thing that I say to all the ninnies at Hecklers, which sometimes includes you again: If you don't like it, let's see you do any better, jackass.*
But what am I wasting the color red on you for? You're one of those random game people.
Chris
P.S. to Zark Xain: The same goes to you. I hate to take your attention away from that dead horse you so like to beat, but Hecklers and Playboy haven't been in business together for about six months. You're the kind of guy that equates any kind of change with "selling out," aren't you?
P.P.S. Sorry for taking a letter meant for you, Jessi.
Chris,
I've decided in my extremely limited and spelling impared wisdom that we don't know about your personal life. Now we all know you're the ever busy HO Chicago in addition to running this fine site in your spare time. But the other day I was talking to our mutual best buddy, Carc, about how much you have on your plate right now, hence the infrequent updates. Now I know that HO pays, and I assume that for the WG's, that's their job, but what about the poor, lowly HO's? Is being a HO your job, or do you have a real job, then HO in your spare time, then do APP in your spare-spare time? I'm guessing you at least get paid by HO, seeing as your name seems to attached to freakin' everything (or at least it used to, I haven't been there as much recently). What do you they do over there, just assign you to every new area they dream up?
Kyle McCowin [CortJstr@virginia.edu]
Dear Kyle, Constant Kyle, Kyle, Lifeblood of APP, Kyle, O Great Kyle:
Here's the way the Chris revenue stream breaks down, Kyle: HO is my day job. I get paid to heckle, which is a nice life, I'll have to say. Then, in my spare time, I channel the HO revenue into filmmaking, which is my secondary job and hopefully one day my primary. Then, in my spare-spare time from THAT, I do APP.
And don't forget that I also have two wives (bigamist), a mistress (just lucky), a dog, and a cat. So I stay busy.
The way it works at HO is that I am the "creative guy" over the Hecklers area - others do Zealot, and yet others do Antagonist, Inc. Together with the WGs, we develop the weekly schedule, and I either write the features, supervise, or just contribute. I wouldn't say I'm the backbone of HO (anymore), but I am at least an important bone that is needed to stand up straight and walk and not collapse into a pile of guts.
Chris
*Although I'm not always allowed to use the "Jackass" part at Hecklers.
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