Dear APP 19: Post-Storm Calm

Post-Storm Calm
1/28/00

Dear APP:

Ok, long story short, my site producing fans were a little hurt by the "you guys want to fit in" comment (that and the relentless jab at my creative spelling habits.) so we decided to make Jessi earn the J and the i in her name, making her "ess" until we felt better*. Your piehole-name-calling (it's a new and improved 1 word phrase!) always makes us smile, that and you proving the majority of us right about supernova(max thought that it looked good, but the rest of us said it
looked like the Nintendo 64 Superman game**)any hoo, you have earned all your letters AND your link.(you have free advertising by a professional, you're welcome)

sincerely,

Ben***

*Chris didn't have to earn letters only because my computer froze while writing his stuff down, and I was too lazy to try again, I am such an American.

**That game deserves a -32.6 out of 100

***I sign it Ben, because that's my name, I'm sending this from my family's address, my dad is Peter.

Ben,

Thank…you very much?? ::looking around, nervously, a little teary eyed::

Who are you? What is the long story? Who are your fans? What comment? When? What game? What name? What site? What link? Who's max? I earned my name? What made you feel bad? Who are you talking to about me or Chris or APP?

I liked this letter, and I like the idea of people talking about me, and I really like the idea of having our link somewhere…but I'm totally lost, it makes me go fetal with worry.

Write back with further details.

What? WHAT? WHAT?????

Jessi

Dear APP:

Well, cry me a river ...

Correct me if I'm wrong, but if a contest fails to draw entries, is it the fault of the readership or the people who came up with the concept? If a publication (print or cyberspace) elicits negative criticism, is it the fault of the readers - or have the publishers failed to provide a level of quality that would have prevented the negativity?

Yeah, you can say, "If you think you can do better, blahblahblah," but didn't you create APP because you thought you could do it better? Wasn't that the point?

If the people who read your website aren't giving you the kind of feedback you were aiming for, is it their fault? Or is it possibly because the content provided just isn't quite up to the readers' expectations?

As for the content at Hecklers, Chris, do the readers decide which submissions will be published? Is there any kind of editorial standard, or do you HOs just sift through the pile and use whatever sucks the least? Is that the fault of the people who come to the site to be entertained?

Criticism, positive or negative, serves a useful purpose: to show you where your strengths and weaknesses are. It's the nature of the business, and insecurity has no place in it. If you can't take the slams without getting your feelings hurt, maybe you shouldn't put your work out for public consumption.

Sorry if we're messing up your Mutual Admiration Society.

Have a nice day,
Carcazoid

Dear Carcazoid:

How you doing today? Feeling good? Good. Me too. I've just gotten some more steroids for my back. Now listen, I would have no qualms about nobody entering the contest if I didn't get mail every single week from people asking if they can contribute to the site! Now, we could be selfish, self centered editors and say NO, no contributions, no letters column, no contests, no arch nemeses…nothing, but instead, we've decided to have contests every once in a while (or maybe NOT) to allow our creative readers entry into the site.

I don't know if you've done any professional writing Carc, but in the publishing world, there's a huge book called THE WRITER'S MARKET which lists magazines, publishers, websites, blah blah blah…but the interesting thing is this…every single one of those publications has guidelines for contributions. EVERY ONE. To think that you can send
whatever you want, where ever you want is ridiculous. You wouldn't send a Penthouse Forum letter to The Saturday Evening Post, would you? If you did…it would be thrown out. The APP is open to a lot of things, but SOME THINGS don't interest US, or our readers. So to say "JUST WRITE WHATEVER POPS IN YOUR HEAD AND SEND IT IN" would result in us getting things that weren't appropriate, trust me.

Criticism, is welcome ALL THE TIME…I've received criticism from readers on every single thing I've written, UA, Ixthia, Letters Column, Reviews…and I take it. I've received criticism from THE CHICAGO TRIBUNE WITH MY NAME THERE IN BIG PRINT, saying that I could have done better and I wasn't very sexy. I took it, and used it to improve my performance. However, The Chicago Tribune did not say "you suck" or "you're a harlot". That's not criticism, that's insulting, and immature…and THAT's what started my anger.

No fears about the mutual admiration society. Someday you'll learn that there's a difference between being proud of what you do and defending it, and being arrogant…which we most certainly aren't.

I know you were trying to get me pissed and you wanted me to give you further fuel to write these kinds of letters, Carc…but I decided to act my age for once, and just use logic and intelligence to counteract your arguments. And that is the last word on the subject of the contest.

Good night.

Jessi

Dear Jessi:

In response to your post script, I just uh...didn't like the patronizing one in the contest entry.

If I sounded overly affectionate over Chris, it's mostly because I like the Bob Tallmadge series along with just about every other thing on the site.

Well, that and there's still the possibility of me being a past-self of Chris.

Well, uh...sorry. I was being an ass.

And I hate writing apologies, so be assured that I mean it when I acutally do write one.

DELAVINE@aol.com

My sweet, sweet piehole:

Thank you very much for the letter. It DOES mean a lot to me, and I accept your apology, (although I picture you not really looking me in the eye and kind of kicking dirt when you say it).

I'm so glad that you like Bob Tallmadge! I love Bob Tallmadge, Universal Assistant! Especially Kyla, the 'willing prisoner'. You know that's my favorite part of the story. We can only hope that this turns into EROTIC SCIENCE FICTION soon, right Chris?

If you are a past-self of Chris, how could Chris be alive at this moment? Don't your past selves end when you begin? DOES THIS MEAN CHRIS IS A ZOMBIE?

Tune in for more details.

Jessi

Dear APP:

I was just thinking about what percentage of the non-porn e-mail you recieve every week is from me, I would guess around 30%, but it's just a guess

Kyle

The ever present, effervescent Kyle:

This is a tough question. I never thought I'd say this (being someone who actually does NOT like computers), but I actually have FIVE email addresses! Interestingly, my three AOL addresses are composed of almost EXCLUSIVELY porn solicitations and sometimes golf tips or stock suggestions. The abpam address that I keep receives about 20% porn email, and my real work address rarely gets any. I guess the real question is, HOW MUCH OF IT IS UNWELCOME. I'm always looking for HOT HOT HOT BARELY LEGAL TEENS, so advice on where to find them is right up my alley. So let's say that both unwelcome and welcome porn solicitations make up about 45% of my total email, and you send it about 64,000 letters a week, so that would put you safely above it, at 49%, leaving 6% of my email for constructive things like work communication and letting relatives know I'm alive.

Jessi

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