Dear APP 21: I Dare You to Do Better Than This Column

I Dare You to Do Better Than This Column
2/11/00

Dear Jessi,

Although I have had no qualms about any of your past work, having liked pretty much all of it, I've recently noticed something that rather bothers me.

You, like everyone else, have your sudden bursts of sarcasm and enjoy finding fault in the letters of those who would like to antagonize. There's nothing wrong with that. However, you only seem to find it useful to be calm and respectful when you know it'll make you look like the better person to your readers. You can notice this in Carcazoid's letter about your reaction to the lack of entries in the Fiction Contest, Morten's letter about the Misanthropic Bitch page, and a few others. I still can't decide whether you're trying to run a funny and intelligent column or a lesson in manners and how to please the hosts. Yes, I know Chris used to like to blame the quality of columns on the people who provided the material, saying that if they could do better then he'd like to see them try, but really now. As the owners of this page, you decide what to put up, sifting through anything exceptionally bad instead of posting it and later blaming it on the person who wrote the letter. Not everything you put up has to give you a chance to defend yourself in one way or another. Having said that, maybe you'll just pass this letter along, a decision I'd fully support, seeing as it's just another whiny letter about the caliber of your column. At least I'll know you read it. Or at least the "Dear Jessi." I think I've touched on a few more topics than I originally meant to. Oops.

~Punzter~

Punzter:

I really just can't seem to win can I? I so desperately want the letters column to go back to that crazy, fun filled discussion that I originally intended, but each and every week I get someone writing in complaining about how I wrote last week.

Sometimes I answer letters intelligently, and sometimes I swear and bitch and cry, because…and follow me…sometimes people write me intelligent letters, and sometimes people write in swearing and bitching and crying. I'm reacting to what I'm sent. This is how human beings are created. Sometimes we're funny and sarcastic and nutty, sometimes we buckle down and get serious. Can the letters column be both or must I choose a standard template and never stray from it? If someone writes me a letter that says "You PAGES SUCK!!!!!" do I have to answer in an intelligent and thoughtful manner? Or can I just make fun of that one sentence all day, (which I could). Carcazoid's letter was intelligent, but I could also tell that he was simply ITCHING to get me to go off on him, just to give him more fodder to write back, hence my intelligent reply. Morten has been writing back and forth with me all week regarding my reactions to Misanthropic Bitch, and not once has he told me to "burn in hell" or "take my page down because you suck", so he deserved a good answer to the points he brought up. Conversely, the hanged man's email threatened my life in a cryptic manner, so he deserved a flip, sarcastic reply, or didn't you think so?

You're right, not every letter I put up has to be a chance to defend myself, (and they usually aren't, did you see the letter from Dylan my lover?)…and I wouldn't do that unless a letter represented how a bulk of the people were currently feeling. Let's just say that your letter may represent several people just as Carcazoid's did. And as a side note, let's call a moratorium on the Chris quote "if you think you can do better let's see it" OK? We all know that it upset every single one of the readers. All of the sudden this quote has turned into the battle cry for anyone who would criticize us. It's so sad that neither Chris nor myself can defend ourselves against mean spirited letters (WHICH ARE DIFFERENT FROM CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM) without being labeled whiny or thin skinned.

And finally, I'll tell you that it's interesting that you think I'm such a small minded, selfish whiny person that I'd pass up this letter or not read it. I read every letter I receive, and I'll tell you what, I get a lot of letters basically telling me that I rock the house, and you don't see those up here every week, do you?

I don't want this letters column to be the column of hate every week. Let's just all agree that sometimes YOU aren't going to like what I say, Carcazoid is NEVER going to like what I say, and some people are just going to read it and move on. What do you say?

Jessi

Dear Puntzer,

If you think you can do better, LET'S SEE IT.

Chris

P.S. Just kidding.

P.P.S. Sorry, Jessi.

Dear Chris,

Note to Jessi- Funny thing, both here and back in the old taboo HO Mailbag days, the arch nemeses are actually nicer, more creative, and funnier than the fans. And they usually seem to have the most respect for one's work. It's amazing how palsy people get when antagonizing each other. But I kinda like it. :)

-Stephanie <3

IamAtnegam@aol.com

Dear Atnegam,

Although you wrote this letter to Jessi, I am replying. Why? Because I am the tyrant of the APP Mailbag. I do as I please, not caring who might get hurt.

I agree - sometimes your arch-enemies can be more fun that the sycophants. Although it IS fun to send the sycophants on outrageous, impossible errands just because I can. It's also fun to see the look of puzzlement on their faces when I refer to them as "sycophants."

That said, I don't find a lot of "palsiness" going on right now in the APP mailbag. Unless you're talking about that strange minor shaking that occurs in my hands after having my second cup of coffee. I find the Mailbag to be a hurtful, vindictive place these days, and I'm pulling the plug as of now.

OK, not really. But, as tyrant, I COULD do that if I wanted.

By the way - you can speak about the old HO Mailbag days if you want.

Chris

Dear Chris and Jessi:

I work in a completely thankless, miserable, horrible job. The people I work with are all miserable as well. We all eat lunch together every day and the conversation is dominated by how stupid our bosses are and how we have to "get out of here". I occasionally turn to APP as a means of lightening my mood, however every time I read the letters section, all I find are angry hateful people writing nasty, mean letters which
provoke you two to write defesive retorts. All of this cynicism is bringing me down, and I can't help but wonder if it is not bringing you down as well. I am sick of this self righteous, slam-book mentality. You're readers are a pain in the ass.

So I am writing to ask if either of you have any hobbies you enjoy?

Sincerely,

A depressed worker.

Dear Depressed:

I have to be very careful here. It's become very clear that every word I type has consequences of chaos-theory type proportion to some of our readers so I will not speak to anything in your letter but the very last question, except to say...I'm glad that we can brighten your day. We seem to be doing that for a good five or six of you, and the rest simply come here to find things to hate. Have you ever gone to a restaurant with someone who sits down and begins LOOKING for something to complain about so they can get a free meal? Why do I ask? No reason, just to say that if I was so unhappy going to a restaurant, I probably wouldn't go to the restaurant, you know? I'm not saying that the restaurant should change it's whole menu or staff or anything, and I'm not saying that I could run a restaurant better, I'm just saying, why hang out in places that you know you don't like? Oh well.

Anyway...I have a lot of hobbies. As you know I'm a writer, so one of my hobbies is writing to publishers begging them for that big break...which leads to my second hobby, filing away rejection letters. I collect old romance comics from the 50s that I buy off of ebay...I look for good pictures of Lance Bass on the internet, I read old Peanuts books, I research DiD and SM for the things I write, which leads to me getting odd looks on the bus, I like to make up recipes for my repetoire since I very often cook, I like to do yoga, I swim about three hours a week, I play with my dog, I'm trying to teach myself German, I like to make Mix Tapes, and I listen to talk radio. So you can see, I'm a
multimedia hound, filled with useless knowledge that one day will maybe save my life.

Jessi

Dear Depressed:

Hobbies? Sure! I currently care for three seperate ant farms. That's hobby enough for me!

Have you considered putting up one of those humorous xeroxed messages on the company bulletin board? Something along the lines of "Answers - $1, Answers Which Require Thought - $5, Dumb Looks Are Still Free?" Those are GREAT! Nothing cuts through the doom and gloom faster than one of THOSE!

Chris

Dear APP,

Can either of you fit into the trunk of a car? I mean, if you wanted to. Maybe that thing turns you on or something...

PsykoFish@aol.com

Dear Psyko,

NO, I can NOT fit into the trunk of my car. I happen to drive a COMPACT car with lots of stuff in the trunk! But if you think you can do better, I'd like to see you TRY!

Chris

P.S. Whoops - I did it again. Sorry.

Dear Chris

I finally figured out what that line was from - it was Hobson's line from "Arthur!" FINALLY! Pay up sucker...

HO che min@aol.com

Dear Che,

Bastard. I'll pay you your ten dollars, BUT MAY YOU NEVER HAVE A DAY'S LUCK FROM IT.

COMMUNIST!

Chris

Chris,

Why didn't you write the review of Hannibal this week the way you meant to?

Chris

Dear Chris,

I didn't want to be seen as contributing to the climate of cannibalism so prevalent in today's society. I think it was the responsible thing to do. I WILL tell you that I thoroughly enjoyed the book. It was just as hard to put down as Silence of the Lambs. I can always tell when I REALLY enjoy a book when I have to find places in the house to hide while reading it - so that no one can possibly disturb me. Hannibal is such an intriguing character, and I'm glad that Thomas Harris resisted the urge to totally demystify his almost supernatural predatory nature.

I found the ending somewhat bizarre, if not totally implausible. I don't really blame Jodie Foster for not taking the role in the proposed film, if the screenplay closely follows the book. Not that Jodie* minds whether I blame her or not; so far she has shown no signs of worry that I blamed her for the boring Sommersby**. I DO think someone should have the good sense not to try to make a Silence of the Lambs sequel without her, though.

Anyway, I got busy, that's why I didn't write the review. If you can do any better, I'd like to see you try.

Chris

* NOTE TO JODIE: I had a dream about you the other night. But don't worry, it was perfectly clean, and I'm not obsessing on you. Don't worry that I'm going to try to off a politician on your behalf, or anything! Ha! HA! HA!***

** I didn't really blame her for this, I just needed a transition there.

*** Unless... unless that would impress you?

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