Jessi's Outer Child and Former Self
2/22/00


I am a teenager, first of all.  I just feel it's important for you to know this in case my raging hormones hadn't tipped you off.  I'm also of above average intelligence--fairly brilliant, according to my elders, although I must admit that I don't really see what they do, apparently. Especially considering the fact that my emotional security seems low right now, along with my decision making skills.  There's this guy at my school in several of my classes whom I have deep feelings for.  I know at one point he had deep feelings for me too, and there are strong signs that he retains them.  However, he is brilliant and somewhat emotionally sadistic ...restrained...rebellious...sweet...smart...sarcastic...musically-inclined (he plays the bass with severe expertise)...and hot.  Very very hot. However, like I said, he's terribly sadistic and right now he and I are engaged in a game of cat&mouse.  It's relatively awful by now, because I feel so strongly for him, and he knows it and is torturing me.  But in a good way....  Anyway, what should I do?  And why is he doing this?  Is it fear of rejection, and if so, should I make the first move?  Is it just cruelty?  Is this going to cause my death?!?

Yours, always,
Alyssa


Alyssa,

I cut out the beginning of your letter, mainly because you should never apologize for how your letters sound.  WRITE what you feel…everyone else does.  And now…THE ADVICE.  Alyssa, sadistic is such a strong word…a really strong word, and since I've just recently taken to reading the works of one Mr. De Sade, it's a word I will not use very lightly in the future.  And just as we have encountered Chris' former life earlier in the run of this column, I strongly feel that you are me (if only because you speak of torture of yourself as "in a good way").  Not to toot my own horn, but I was also considered by my elders to be of above average intelligence, I was musically inclined, creative, clever.  But, and this is the key, it did nothing to improve my social or emotional skills, nor did it help to build my self esteem.  From DAY ONE of Freshman year of highschool, I pined after Jim Bacon…also a boy of above average intelligence and talent who was hot.  The difference between your life and my life was…he was insanely popular for some reason, and I was a loser who refused to voice how I felt.  I mean he lived less than three blocks away from me for the love of God.  It was not until my SENIOR YEAR that I ventured to get to know him and to find out that we had a lot in common, and by then I was dating a REAL HONEST TO GOD SADIST, so it was all for naught.

If my past experiences are to prove anything though, it's that by holding you in a game of cat and mouse, he's testing the waters of your true feelings…I think.  The torture he's putting you through is a grown up version of pulling your pigtails (unless he's really pulling your pigtails, if that's the case…it's something different entirely((I really hate giving advice, because what if I'm wrong, I mean, take Prope for instance, God knows what happened to him.  I gave him advice and now he thinks I'm a stalker…PROPE!  Where are you???)))  You say that you have evidence that he likes you, so I say run with it.  Think of the classic cat and mouse game, Tom and Jerry.  Jerry didn't take much shit and I don't think you should either.  If he's as brilliant and sophisticated as you say, I would suggest calling a stop to the cat and mouse with a brilliant one liner that lays everything on the line…I'm going to try and think of one for you…but you'll have to give me a minute.  No luck. My cleverness is sapped for the day.  Brilliance appreciates brilliance, and if you can level him with one line, he'll love you forever*.  But Alyssa, don't, please don't sacrifice anything that you feel is important to you for the sake of a bass player.  I can't emphasize this enough.  If this "fun" torture crosses the line to emotional meanness, or true sadistic disrespect of your character or the things you think are right, walk the hell away.  I don't want to bring the letters column down here, but I damn near ruined my life for the sake of a hot hot brilliant guy who knew that I loved him dearly so he treated me like SHIT, and I would give anything to have those four years back.  PLEASE, be sure to find someone who makes you feel happy and secure and GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF.

Jessi


Dear Mail-Whores,
   So, Maude Flanders died.  Whoa.  I for one was shocked.  Especially because the actress who did her voice left the show a few months ago. Granted, when the last actress left they just stopped giving Lunchlady Dorris lines (think about it, the last time she talked was like 3 years ago).  I suppose a surprise character dying was out of the question but it also could have been worse, we could've had to endure that ungodly new voice for the rest of the run.  Or they could've copped out and killed off Marvin Monroe's son or something.  Oh, and in case you're curioes, they never actually mention Marvin Monroe's death, you were just supposed to assume it the first time they mentioned "Marvin Monroe Memorial Hospital"  Oh yeah, I almost forgot, (insert Valentine's day rant).

Kyle

Kyle:

First of all Kyle, it would be hard for us to be curioes, because I think that would mean we had turned ourselves into cabinets…something I'm not inclined to do.  Anyway, there was no way for the Simpsons to win with this episode.  In fact, I've noticed that the Simpsons simply cannot win this whole season.  I am one of the biggest…BIGGEST Simpsons fans around, and I sit and laugh at these episodes every week, then I wake up the next day to hear everyone tell me that it sucked.  I don't get it.  The plots are very disjointed this year, I'll give you that…and Homer just gets dumber and dumber with every passing minute, but the Simpsons still makes me laugh a lot harder than anything else on television.  LAST week's episode with the racehorse was fantastic, simply because of the running gag of "worst episode ever".  You know that the creators are getting some flack, but I'm going to cut them some SLACK, JACK.  I mean, the show HAS been on for about sixty years, we can't have every episode be as good as Homer And The Sugar Pile.

I appreciated Maud's Death because it was very funny but also very sad. There are about five episodes of this show that actually make me cry!  I mean Touched By An Angel type crying, and I think that's great because they're able to achieve it without doing "a very special Simpsons", which was what I was afraid Maud's Death would be.  The ending, like all Simpsons endings this year, was odd, but I liked it.  I hope the Christian Rock Band returns, maybe with Amy Grant instead of Shawn Colvin…Amy needs the work.

Jessi


Dear APP,
Tell me, what do you guys think about pop music?  Personally, I hink it's hit an all time low.  ::looks around for hate letters from teeny-bopper APP readers:: I mean, what kind of business is it when any bunch of guys who know how to harmonize (and sometimes those who don't) can take a bunch of love songs that they didn't even write and turn them into top-selling albums?  Wow!  That Kevin from BSB is a real dreamboat!  Forget the fact that he can neither sing nor dance for his life... And don't even get me started on this sudden wave of blonde, ditsy, sixteen year old blondes who can only seem to sing about the love, sex and heartbreak that they've never had to face in their entire life...not to mention what they represent.  "It was a sudden growth spurt!  They'renatural!  Really!" But mayhaps I rant to much.
*Fishy

Fishy:

MAYHAPS? MAYHAPS YOU RANT TOO MUCH?  When have you NOT ranted?  But seriously, Fish, I like to think of music as a meal, as my many mix tapes would dictate, and to me, the heavy, meaty entre of Metal and Industrial is well coupled with the light sorbet of Tearin' Up My Heart.

You're right though Fish, the boy band, girl crooner situation has gotten way out of control.  If it were up to me we'd trim it all back. BSB and 'N Sync, Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera.  These four put out enough pop to satisfy even the hardest core Tean Beat readers.  We have no need for Mandy Moore, 98 Degrees, LFO, Jessica Simpson.   And who is this Hoku or whatever?  Shouldn't she be in class?  Sorry kids, we've got all we need.

And if you could step outside your dislike of these bands, I would urge you to really listen, WITHOUT MALICE, to an N Sync CD.  Whether you like them or not…they CAN sing, and they CAN harmonize, and the songs that they cover (Sailing, Everything I Own…) they do fabulously…and, miraculously boy bands aren't the first bands to sing songs they didn't write.  AND…AND…they CAN dance.  I have the Bye Bye Bye video on tape and I'm trying to learn the routine…and I nearly killed myself doing it.

Boy and Girl Bands are easy targets, and some of them deserving…but pop DOES have its place for those of us who are tired of listening to Korn.

Jessi


Dear APP:

Was I the only one reminded of the Roman Colliseum by Tuesday's "pageant" on Fox?  Sure, it started out as normal entertainment to keep the masses happy and civil, but they started to demand more and more until they ended up with gladiators killing each other.  We started with Lucy and Dezi and now have people getting married sight-unseen for money.  I'm not saying t.v. should revert to the 50's, far from it, I love the Simpsons and Malcolm but there is still such a thing as good taste.  Next thing you know they'll have the "Rubber-necking" channel so you can see accidents up close and personal from the comfort of your couch.

Kyle

Dear Kyle:

I can't agree more.  I was actually standing up screaming at the end when they performed the marriage ceremony and the judge said, "these rings are a symbol of your unending love".  WHAT THE?  They just met two minutes ago.  How can we be sure that this guy isn't Jack the Ripper? Or an internet hacker named Coolio?  WE CAN'T!  That woman is an idiot. I tell you Kyle, without a hint of sarcasm, we are about three years off from actually seeing The Running Man come to fruition.

Jessi


*assurance of love not guaranteed


 

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