Dear APP 24: Hot Hot Princess E Action

Hot Hot Princess E Action
3/13/00

Jessi-

Anyway, here goes: are you hot? And I don't just mean, like, quasi-hot or sort-of-sexy-when-you're-in-the-mood, but, like, are you hot? Can you pull off wearing one of your husband's old shirts over boxers, hair up in a sharkie clip, and still look every bit as sexy-but-different as if you had spent all nite preparing? Because it sounds like you are. Personal opinion, anyone who can write like you and spin off a quick, audience-fulfilling rapport like you must be extremely, extremely hot. I mean, even if you're not Sharon Stone (whom, actually, you sound like you resemble...) you sound incredibly hot. In fact, if I swung that way, I'm pretty damn sure that you'd be -- cliche coming -- My Type. Anyways...just a little food for thought.

Your willing slave for now and ever,
Katrina e Lewin

PS--If you're honestly considering dyeing your hair and looking for options, perhaps a nice, non-slutty auburn would suffice? Hell, you can go slutty too, if you want to...slutty girls have their own definite charms...

Dear Princess e:

Food for thought? Good Christ! It's an Old Country Buffet on Ribs Day for thought. First of all, just thinking about this whole situation I am HOT…and I mean, my cheeks are hot. I'm hot…temperature-wise. But we're not talking about that, are we, or are we? I'm totally flustered. Is it hot in here?

Now listen e, I've received a minimum of six letters inquiring as to my degree of "hotness" and I've always made a joke out of it, because I have extremely poor self esteem. Like I've said before, I'm a big talker, an arrogant writer and I like to make people THINK that I'm the greatest thing since Olestra, but the fact is, I just don't know. It's not fair to ask my husband, because of course he'll say I'm hot, it's not fair to ask Chris because he's afraid I'll hurt him….I think it's best to just go down a list of pros and cons regarding ME, and then you can decide if I'm hot or not…because I'm not going to put a picture up. We must maintain an air of mystery…that's hot, isn't it?

Pros

* I have big blue eyes that turn gray or green depending on what I'm wearing.
* My dentist says I have the finest set of teeth she's ever seen and I should do toothpaste commercials
* I'm a swimmer, and my biceps are becoming very nice, if I do say so myself.
* My hair always looks like I've just been…ahem…in bed.
* I just dyed my hair a brownish auburn on Wednesday and it looks…well, fantastic.
* I do wear boxers and tank tops around the house.
* I own leather pants, low v neck t-shirts and a black vinyl minidress
* A man described me as "striking" on Thursday
* I have no tattoos and only my ears are pierced

Cons

* These big blue eyes have been noted by my doctor as being "strangely big"…so, they're STRANGE. What's really strange is that I think my right eye is a little smaller than my left…an affliction that my family likes to point out in pictures. "AHAHAHAH….look at the small eye!" It's like a game for them.
* My biceps and calves are very nice, but my stomach is still not perfectly flat…it's far from flat…I hate it, I hate it, I hate it, stupid stomach…burn in hell.
* My butt, unlike my stomach, IS perfectly flat…it just blends into my legs…it's bad, very very bad. Naughty butt.
* Sometimes Chris can make me laugh so hard that I can't breathe, and I start snorting and squealing and acting very unladylike, very NOT feminine. I don't giggle, I laugh very loudly…it's almost like a convulsion, and that's not very hot.
* I have no tattoos and only my ears are pierced

I guess that's all I can think of right now…what's your final vote, e? I can't wait to hear what you think you naughty girl.

Your mistress,

Jessi

Dear Jessi:

Dude, pieholes, one word : shutyertrap. I personaly still hold the belief that the world has a few real people that rely on the true things on life. People who cut out funny comics for their friends, people who host monopoly marathons, people who watch Dilbert(yes there is a show), people who use double colons for everything, people who laugh at their own jokes, people who make those band nerd quizzes, people who aren't afraid to be different, people who don't notice a run on sentence till waaaaaayyyyyy too late. ::in enthusiasm falls off soapbox:: ow ::kicks the box away and just talks to the people "normally":: Wait, ::ponders::, I wrote to complain about the whiners. Oops. Ummmm.....::complains:: There, that's generic and can't be offensive to any tight-ass.

Faithful reader/complainer/soapboxfalloffer
Ben

Ben:

In my slow moving to quest to take over the world, I would like you to sit beside my throne, on the floor with a little collar and leash on. While sitting there you will go through all of my CDs and pick good songs to go on a mix tape. Between every three songs will be a movie quote and then we'll wrap up each side with a cut from Dennis Miller's Rants. Please don't write the names of the songs on the case because then it's not a surprise when I listen to it. Also, not more than two songs from any ONE band on each tape. These tapes will be given fun kicky names like "Holy Mixamoly" and kept in a good rotation. You also have to cut out comics, download jokes and find pictures of sexy men for me on the internet.

Why do you get this job? Because I like you…because I used to go out with a guy named Ben…because I can't find one person in this world who will play a game of Monopoly to fruition, because you and I, we are soul mates, except that I don't watch Dilbert…that's just dumb.

Enforcingly,

Jessi

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