20%
Applefeed, 80% Pure Mailbag Goodness
10/1/99
From:
IamAtnegam@aol.com
OK, I have a few questions. First, even though this isn't the Heckler's
Mailbag, can still I expect the same quality and style that I first fell in
love with so long ago? Next, what's with this two people thing? Where did the
extra person come from? I don't remember any asexual reproduction in the legend
of the phoenix. Or were you really always two people. I don't know if I can
handle another Q&A column scandal. Help me to understand. Lastly, does this
skirt make my ass look fat?
Many happy columns and a long and wacky life to you. Viva la Mailbag!
Yours Once More,
Stephanie
Dear Steph,
Let me put some rumors to rest right now. Most importantly, NO! GOD, no! That
skirt does not make your ass look fat.
Secondly, no, the Mailbag was not TWO in the HO days - it was but one. It is
two now because APP is a joint effort between we two writers, Chris and
Jessica. And you can expect all the
quality of before, times four.*
Viva La Stephanie!
*Two
because there are two of us now, and we'll each be working twice as hard as I
did in the old Mailbag.
Dear APP:
YOU USED THE WORD "THARN"!!!! I AM EXULTANT!!!!
MichaelH@lyonhealy.com
Dear Michael:
HUZZAH! Let us join hands and dance a caper to the tabor and pipe, for I, too,
am exultant. The harvest is plentiful with tubers and squash that will be
stored for the winter and eaten with salt preserved meats! The Lord of the
manor will surely find favor in our revelries and the music shall play late
into the night as we drink mead and port. Again I cry HUZZAH and Halloaloa with
a hey nonny nonny hi ho!
By the sword of Saint George,
jessi
From: InOcEnSe69
hey there slugger
do u feel bad for yourself when people send u mail saying they hate your new
mailbag? i would if i were u. just
thought u would want to know.
ps whats up with the 20% applefeed screenname?
Dear Innocent,
I WILL feel bad, when it actually happens. And then I will probably remember
what it was like to do that other Mailbag, and get over it. Maybe I'll name a
stupidity award after you, or something, to make myself feel all better.
Cheers.
P.S. Re: The 20% Applefeed - I suspect the email link was creating some sort of
discombobula, which I hope is now fixed, but if it isn't let's all try to be
strong about this.
Dear APP:
How did you get material for this first mailbag? It baffles me. The least you
could do would be to let us all know about it, and try to get into the first
mailbag... Well, I supposed the least you could do would be to do nothing at
all, but the next least think to do would be to let me try to get into the
first new and yellowed up mailbag. Thank you and good night.
FatmanHC@aol.com
Dear Fatman:
You bring up several good points which I’d like to address with frankness and
candor. The material for the first mailbag was an issue that Chris and I
wrestled with for days and days. He wanted Burlap and I wanted Canvas, which is
naturally water resistant and far less itchy. We settled on fleece lined baby
blue satin, because his cat likes to
sleep on it. You then state that you regret not being able to get into the
first mailbag, to which I must say, it’s not that big. I mean, it can’t be more
than two feet square, and it doesn’t have TOO wide of a pocket. I mean, it’s
not a sleeping bag, it’s a MAIL bag, so you can see where getting into it would
be difficult, but I’m just going by your screen name at this point. Lastly, as
I write this, it is late morning, so thank you, and guten TAG.
Tschüss,
jessi
From: Shan83181
Do you guys like Shakespeare? I'm just curious.
From a big, Shakespeare fan.
Dear Shan,
No - I only like plays where they talk RIGHT.
P.S. Just trying to be controversial. I'm kidding. We both dig Bill.
Dear App Mailbag,
Would I finally be able to get a question answered here?
Prope6310@aol.com
Dear Prope:
No.
Fondly,
jessi
Dear Prope,
Sadly, I'm going to have to concur. This is one of the things that has NOT
changed from the old days.
Dear APP:
Finally, you have rearose from the ashes like a Pheonix. I have awaited this
return for a while, anyways my question, I have a really hot blonde big
breasted mail lady, she's like 20 something and i'm 16, should i go for it?
Your Long Lost Friend,
I3lckDeth@aol.com
Dear Deth:
First of all, rather than thinking of yourself as a long lost friend, you can
simply be MY brand new friend, as I’m sure I’ve never written to you before.
The closure to your letter indicates a sort of melancholy that the mailbag
cannot abide. But enough! ON TO THE BREASTS! There’s a fact in this story that
MUST be clarified. You say she’s twenty SOMETHING. Does that mean, 21 or 29?
It’s important. As you know from reading my articles at APP, and if you
haven’t, I would like to assign my review of MATT, I think that women in their
late 20’s are sometimes attracted to teenage boys because it reminds them of
their fleeting youth. So, your first step is to find out if she’s a woman of
odd proclivities who wasted her teen years on horrible boyfriends who collected
box turtles, like myself, and also to look in the mirror. Are you cute? If so,
I’d go for it, but I hold no responsibility for what happens when she gets
fired.
Love always,
jessi
From: Centauren
You and Metaworm aren't the same person, are you? Because you always were
pretty cool, but Metaworm always really sucked.
Dear Centauren,
Gentle Centauren. Good Centauren. Perhaps I shouldn't tell you this. I don't
want to burst any fantasies, but... Metaworm@aol.com is just one of my screen
names. I had Mailbag mail sent there because it was clogging up the Ho
Chicago@aol.com screen name. I hope this doesn't shatter your world view.
From: Coat10
So this is the new mailbag? Hmm... Nice, a bit drab, but nice.
Dear Coat,
I beg your
pardon? We paid a focus group company thousands to come up with this color
scheme for our web site! It’s all deeply symbolic, you know.
—–
And now, we'd
like to announce the Name That Section contest. We need a better name for our fiction section than
"Fictionarium," and a better name for the feature section than
"Featurama." I... can only assume someone else came up with those
titles. Send in a name we think is great, and you will not only receive great
praise in this very column, but a warmly-written letter of thanks as well**!
**Supplies
limited.
Also, note our new individual email addresses: jessi@abpam.com and chris@abpam.com! And the new Mailbag email, DearAPP@abpam.com!
Write
to APP: