The
Special “October Eighth” Edition
Dear APP:
As a frequent contributor to the previous mailbag, I'd just like to start off
by saying that I'm really glad to see the grand, wonderful, triumphant, and,
somehow, oddly aromatic return of the Mailbag.
Now, here's the question for you: Since you're not long affiliated with
AOL, Playboy, or Heckler's, does that mean I can say fuck?
Yours,
RedShoes60@aol.com
Dear Red:
Sure, I'm SURE that you CAN say Fuck, but the question is - MAY you, and the
answer is NO. Only the editors of APP may say Fuck, and be assured, we¹ll
only use Fuck if it is essential to the integrity of the story or if we speak
of injustices so heinous that only Fuck can express it.
We welcome your letters, Red, but ask yourself, is Fuck the best you can do?
I think it shows a little lack of effort and creativity. Think about it,
and write again.
Mine,
jessi
Dear App:
How about
some graphics?
Brianm
Dearest Brian M,
We here at the Absurd Pamphlet Press wanted to do a website that didn’t feel the need to have tons of long-downloading graphics or pop-up ads or web counters or pages that opened by themselves after you closed ours. In short, we wanted a web page that we wouldn't have to pay a geek to create for us. But - I'll tell you what. What if we just started adding some really graphic descriptions of things? One per mailbag?
The graphic description for today is: The Egg That Hit My Wife's Car
A bit of the off-white
shell was still stuck to the windshield, in a spot where no amount of
windshield wiper activity would ever get it. The rest of the crème-colored thin
shards sat lazily about the hood of the Saturn, glued there until the next
heavy rain. The yolk radiated outward from the point of contact in diminishing
lines of deep orange tending almost towards red, like an explosion of ooze.
Dear APP:
Did you ever get that dog joke you were looking for?
Tierliebe@aol.com
Dear Tier:
Nope - and the contest still goes on. If you send me the dog joke I¹ve
been searching for for lo these past five years, I will write a love poem in
your honor and post it on the front page.
Good luck!
Jessi
Dear APP:
Hi Chris,
I thought I'd ask you a question here, in the mailbag, and that question
is...does everyone bitch this much in every other mailbag? I mean, they're complaining about the
colors, the content, the formatting, the email address...you don't answer my
letters...yap yap yap. Is this how
mailbags always are? Or do some people
just say, hey, thanks for all the hard work that it took to just put the DAMN
THING UP? Do they? I don't know.
Jessi
Dear Jessi,
I don’t know about every OTHER mailbag, but I seem to remember a lot of it in the last one I did. Wait a minute, let me read over some of those archives.
(Hours pass)
Good GOD. Did they bitch, or what? I'd forgotten just how much bitching there was! Maybe THAT'S why Hecklers cancelled it!
What do you think, should we start trying to move "Dear APP" towards a contructive dialogue? I'm warning you - we'll cut our audience in HALF if we do. And that will leave about 1.5 people to read it.
Don’t worry, you'll get used to it.
Dear APP:
Fiction Section
Fictionabooboo
Fiscal Fiction
Fiction Friction
Feature Section
The Frequent Feature Whirlwind Of Power
well I hope this has been very helpful in picking out a
new section name,
cya
Coat10@aol.com
Dear Coat:
You’re killing us here - KILLING US. And not in a funny, stand up comedy
sort of way, either. Yes, this does help us pick a section name, in that,
we’re slowly realizing that Fictionarium is pretty damn good.
Exasperatedly yours,
jessi
Dear
Absurd Pamphlet Press:
I take
the gravest offense to your poem "Anime Shanime". You may not be aware of this but many people
due to a rare genetic abnormality, do in fact, have enormous eyes, sometimes
10-12 times the size of an average human eye, small dots for noses, and a wide
variety of mouth shapes. Because of our unique and striking looks we are under
heavy scrutiny from just about every one.
This causes many of us to suffer
from nervous disorders the side-affects of which are often uncontrollable
shaking, and a sense of deep anxiety which distorts time and speed.
It is
because of Anime's accurate depiction of our condition, that we as a people
have found acceptance, and so to speak our "niche" in a society
utterly consumed with surface appearances.
I would
ask you to reconsider your evaluation of Japanimation when you say it makes you
"weep with fear". We are
people just like anyone else, and would like to be treated as such. The only difference is, we have very big
eyes which can see through to your shallowness and insensitivity.
Sincerely,
Trixie W.
Lawrence
Trixie,
We stand before you, humbly corrected, and very apologetic. The editors at APP are just coming to realize that our audience is made up mostly of people with vast, grotesque physical and mental deformities like your own. We will make every effort to act with more sensitivity in the future.
Yours in contrition,
APP
Dear APP:
I find it disturbing that you are advising a 16 year old boy to pursue a
romantic relationship with a "20 something" woman. Either you
are encouraging a romantic interest that could not possibly be reciprocated or
are setting up an exploitive, emotionally destructive relationship.
Rejection at any age is difficult, but at 16 when one's self esteem and
worth is so closely linked to the perceptions of others, a non-reciprocated
relationship is far more painful: especially when the focus of that
unrequited infatuation is not a peer, but an adult that is idealized.
Further any "20 something" who would actively involve herself
in a romantic relationship with a pubescent minor is emotionally, mentally, and
physically abusing an unsophisticated youth. In fact, your response supports an
illegal activity.
Citizens for Responsible Comedy
Dear CfRC:
You see Red, this is a perfect example of when I COULD use the word FUCK, but
I'm choosing not to. First of all, I never advised this 16 year old to
have SEX with the 20 something mail carrier, I simply said he should "go
for it". "Going for it" could mean he would write her a
nice note, send her flowers, sing her a song like For The Girl Who Has
Everything by N Sync - and so on - none of these activities are illegal.
Rejection at any age is difficult, but I would venture to say (and slay
me if you must) that a sixteen year old, hormonally charged boy isn't really
looking for his LIFE PARTNER in the form of a twenty something mail carrier, so
much as he is looking to manifest his daily masturbation fantasies. I
perceive this from his original letter which could describe her no further
except to say that she had large breasts. So I'm pretty sure the
rejection wouldn't be TOO extreme. Furthermore, I, currently, am in love
with several teenage boys, but I'm also in love with a couple of forty year
olds, while at the same time being married to a twenty something, so it all
comes out in the mental stability wash basin, if you know what I mean.
Besides, your idea that I would physically abuse an unsophisticated youth
is preposterous, seeing as I am, by nature, a submissive.
Always a pleasure,
Jessi
Dear APP:
May I
suggest that the mailbag have a different backround according to the main Idea
of each mailbag (or just whatever you want) for each new mailbag, That would kick ass.
Coat10@aol.com
Dear Coat,
And may I point out that we already do this - it just so happens that the main Idea of each edition of the Dear APP has been the utter blackness of despair and hopelessness. Hence the black background.
Good to see we're thinking alike, though!
And congratulations on your second letter today.
it makes
me feel all hot and bothered when i think of the fact that even though you are
the same person it seems as if you have changed and became somewhat not funny.
please help.
InOcEnSe69@aol.com
Dear Innocence,
I do not deny the fact that I have changed... but as to your "not funny" charge, I simply cannot go along with that. Perhaps it is YOU, Innocence, YOU, that have lost your sense of humor! Did you think of that? J'ACCUSE, Innocence!
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