A Column About - What Else - This Column

 

Dearest APP:

 

May I make a tiny request? The way things are done now my tiny screen can't hold all the text and I have to scroll side to side to read each line. Maybe if you could put everything in the center so I'm not getting dizzy trying to read the mailbag I so love?

 

Also, may I make a suggestion as well? Can you have an automatic subject line? It's really simple to do. After you do the a href="your e-mail" put a ?subject="Subject_Line_Here" - the ? is what makes it work. You have to put those stupid _ between cause spaces make that stupid 20% thingie.

 

CDeVillon@aol.com

 

Dear Cde,

 

My God, is this YOUR Mail column, or ours? You people don't like our margins, our no subject lines, our color scheme, NOTHING! Write your OWN subject line! That's how I know if you're interesting enough to respond to! And doesn't your browser have that function where you can reduce the font? Reduce, woman, reduce!

 

Dear APP:

 

Just a note to let you know I enjoy the website.

 

Gary

 

Gary:

 

Gary.  I… (shaking head, wiping two tears away, chin quivering like Claire Danes)  Gary.  Thank you so much for your note.  It may seem small to you.  It may seem like you just shot that thing off and pressed send and it was nothing, just a method of killing 15 seconds.  But it was more.  Much more.  It made me smile, it made me…weep.  YES.  YES.  I’m not afraid.  Because you see Gary, I’m a real person.  There are people who frequent this mailbag that think several things about me.  They think I’m fake.  They think…I’m Chris…or if I’m not Chris, they think I’m some sort of mailbag apprentice, or that I’m CHRIS’ BITCH or something.  And I’m not.  I’m a real woman, with real needs, and Gary…you understand that.  And I love you for it.

 

This IS Gary Sinise, right?

 

Yours in Christ,

 

Jessi

 

Dear APP:

 

I don't like you anymore. You make me sad, not happy. The old mailbag made me  laugh. But I'm not laugh. Dear GOD, why am I not laughing???

 

Rabbit1414@aol.com

 

Dear Rabbit,

 

The old mailbag, the old mailbag. Old mailbag, old mailbag, OLD MAILBAG, OLD MAILBAG! People, PLEASE! Can we not simply let the past be the past? This is a NEW mail column! And a mail column that is, by the way, no longer tied to any "comedy" site!

 

I mean, look around you! Everything's BLACK! We're a morose people! We're nihilists! We believe in nothing! We're HERE to make you sad! Why are you not laughing? Would everything be black - with specks of green and yellow - if we were interested in making Rabbits like yourself laugh?!?!? THINK ABOUT IT!

 

Dear APP:

 

I recently read your latest updates at app, but only have the one comment.  That tag line hurt.  You know, the one under the page's title banner?  Just because we aren't writing to you, you should not take offense.  A letter unwritten could also be a potential complaint you did not receive.  Am I to feel obligated to write you every time you stick out your lower lip and get all pouty?  Well, it worked and I did.  Congratulations.  I hope you're proud of yourself.

 

Bunny

 

Dear Bunny:

 

First of all, have you read The Secret History?  You might want to change your name.  Second of all, I’d like to take this moment to explain the Quote Of The Moment feature of APP.  The quotes mean nothing.  At all.  They are simply extractions from IM’s that Chris and I share.  The reference to the empty mailbox was actually part of a conversation I had with Chris regarding a book search I was on, and I was waiting for an email back regarding the status.  OK?  Mr.-APP-Readers-Are-The-Center-Of-The-Universe?  Of course I enjoy mail from the readers, and I am saddened when I don’t have a mailbox overflowing, but you’re right, I’d rather have no mail at all than 10 letters from Coat10 complaining about the site, so I guess I’d like to say, you’re right, I’m right, we’re all right, so let’s move on.

 

Love,

 

Jessi

 

Dear APP:

 

Ah, why did they take Owen AND the mailbag?  Thank all that is fair to middling (or at least mediocre, but good would be stretching it an holy is right out) that you've returned.

 

This is more of an Owen question, but eh...

 

Do you suppose that big-time published authors come up with plotlines first and play mix and match with those and themes, or do they start with pure, unadultered theme and build up from there?  Or are themes just made up by English teachers to torture students and make them write nonsensical essays?

 

Thankee,

 

or  no thankee if I don't like your answer,

 

delavine@aol.com

 

Dear Delavine, (at Aol.com)

 

MUST you people keep rubbing my previous incarnation in our face? (YES - that sentence IS grammatically correct, all things considered, you nitpickers) I won’t answer why they took away the old Mailbag AND Owen, because it was not my decision, and this site is not affiliated with THAT site. AT ALL.

 

NOTE TO NEW READERS: Confused? Don’t worry. It's not worth explaining, really, and anyway, we're hoping this theme will go away in a  few weeks. HOPING.)

 

As to your second question, I don't think big-time authors play mix and match with those and themes. I don't really know HOW big-time writers think of writing, but I'll bet they don't really worry about being able to discuss their theme in 500 words or less on essay tests. I think "themes" are sometimes silly things that silly English teachers make up, and that the writers themselves are sometimes just writing without reasoning through the whole process first.  Much as we do this column.

 

Dear APP:

 

Why are you SATAN?

*Fishy

 

Dear Fishy:

 

First of all, I have to take a minute, sit back and just breathe.  The fact is, I didn’t KNOW I was Satan, or that Chris was Satan, or that the two of us were some sort of unholy syndicate.  So, before I can answer WHY, I must first apologize for several things which we must be responsible for, seeing as we are, in fact, SATAN.  About that Jon Benet thing, sorry.  Sorry about all these earthquakes and wildfires and El Nino and other weather disasters.  Sorry about O.J. and the movie Son In Law, and of course, the continuing success of Gene Schalit.  These are things that are inherent to my nature, being Satan, and I can’t help but do them.  As to WHY we are Satan, I may have to turn that over to my colleague, Chris, who knows more about the origins of evil than I could ever dream.

 

I think the REAL question here is not why are WE Satan, but why are you NOT?

 

Note to Jessi: Sorry. I really dropped the ball on this one. It just caught me off guard, is all.

 

Dear APP:

 

The world, an entity out of everything, was created by neither gods nor men, but was, is, and will be eternally living fire, regularly becoming ignited, and regularly becoming extinguished.    -Heraclitus

 

FlamesRage

 

Dear Flame:  (And I mean that affectionately)

 

Are you sad that I cut out your entire letter and focused only on your “signature quote”?  I hope not, I wouldn’t want to incur your FLAME RAGE.  As you can assume, I love fire myself, and I found your quote to be fascinating, if not packed with hopelessness and despair.  After reading your quote I would like to offer you one piece of advice…I hope you’re a happy person Flame, because Anger coupled with an Admiration of Fire can only end in tragedy, but Anger coupled with Fire and mixed with MUSICAL TALENT, can end in a Kiss Tribute Band.

 

Thoughtfully,

 

jessi

 

 

Dear APP:

 

I suddenly feel the urge, nay, the need to make a rant.  This rant is of course against people who use the word "phat."  These people, I'm convinced, are the cause of most aneurysms.  There is just something incredibly, inherently wrong with this; I'm sure this would have been mentioned in the Bible but at the time it never occurred to God that anybody would ever be so stupid.  Furthermore, I'd like to suggest that anybody who goes so far as the specifically SPELL it should be put to death immediately or possibly injected with some sort lava.  I'd suggest some form of torture involving the Backstreet Boys, but the these people would probably just enjoy it.  And I won't even discuss people who use "money" as an adjective . . .

 

"My ability to remain humble in the presence of my own greatness is an inspiration to others."

Kyle M. McCowin- JOATMON

 

CortJstr@virginia.edu (Kyle McCowin)

 

Dear Jester,

 

I'm sorry, I can't concentrate on what you said because of the SHEER VOLUME OF TEXT THAT FOLLOWS EVERY EMAIL YOU SEND. CHRIST ALMIGHTY, MAN! Whenever you send email, you must tie up phone lines around the globe!

 

Ladies and gents, this is what follows the "body" of an email from Kyle. First of all, a list of his alternate email identities, which are numerous:

 

* CortJstr@virginia.edu * CortJstr@aol.com CortJstr@earthdome.com CortJstr@somethingorother.com CourtlyJester@aol.com DejaVu@somethingorother.com frecklejuice4@wouldilie.com ItsGleep@aol.com kmm8t@virginia.edu PatsyThePage@aol.com Odysseyan@aol.com VampHuntD@earthdome.com WrldAddres@aol.com

 

We also get a plug for his personal website, which I really don’t mind, and can certainly understand:

 

http://members.aol.com/CortJstr/wizdumb.html

 

Then we get this:

 

--------------------

<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.0 Transitional//EN">

<HEAD>

<META content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1" http-equiv=Content-Type>

<META content="MSHTML 5.00.2614.3401" name=GENERATOR>

<STYLE></STYLE>

</HEAD>

 

THEN WE GET THE COMPLETE TEXT OF THE BODY AGAIN FOR SOME REASON, WHICH I WILL SPARE YOU HERE. And then we get this:

 

----------------------- Headers --------------------------------

Return-Path: <CortJstr@virginia.edu>

Received: from  rly-yc05.mx.aol.com (rly-yc05.mail.aol.com [172.18.149.37]) by air-yc01.mail.aol.com (vx) with ESMTP; Thu, 30 Sep 1999 16:42:05 -0400

Received: from  mail.virginia.edu (mail.virginia.edu [128.143.2.9]) by rly-yc05.mx.aol.com (v61.13) with ESMTP; Thu, 30 Sep 1999 16:41:49 -0400

Received: from unix.mail.virginia.edu by mail.virginia.edu id aa22292;

          30 Sep 99 16:40 EDT

Received: from jester.Virginia.EDU (bootp-246-241.bootp.Virginia.EDU [128.143.246.241])

 by unix.mail.Virginia.EDU (8.8.7/8.8.7) with SMTP id QAA20906;

 Thu, 30 Sep 1999 16:40:43 -0400

Message-ID: <002b01bf0b84$5dc2cf60$f1f68f80@Virginia.EDU>

Reply-To: Kyle McCowin <CortJstr@virginia.edu>

From: Kyle McCowin <CortJstr@virginia.edu>

To: APPFeed <APPFeed@aol.com>, HoChicago <HoChicago@aol.com>

Subject: a rant

Date: Thu, 30 Sep 1999 16:42:52 -0400

MIME-Version: 1.0

Content-Type: multipart/alternative;

 boundary="----=_NextPart_000_0028_01BF0B62.D66E0BE0"

X-Priority: 3

X-MSMail-Priority: Normal

X-Mailer: Microsoft Outlook Express 5.00.2014.211

X-MimeOLE: Produced By Microsoft MimeOLE V5.00.2014.211

 

Now, most of that was not Jester's fault, but let's not forget that he THEN CHOOSES TO ATTACH A SIGNATURE TO HIS EMAILS. GOD, Kyle! The Internet BEGS you - give it a break! It's like handing someone 400 of your business cards!

 

P.S. But don’t stop writing.

 

Dear Chris:

 

I'd like for you to know how sad and disappointed I am that The False Mailbag Impersonator hath responded to my mail.  How sad, sad indeed.  And how disappointed, disappointed indeed I am.  Thine yellow text means nothing to me.  I seek only the light that can be provided by the green glow of The One, True Mailbag.

 

I am here solely because He invited me, and I shall only continue to read the Phoenix-like resurgence of the Mailbag as long as only He may respond to my letters.

 

In truth, I don't think this "jess" is real at all, but actually yet another of Chris' bizarre mailbag personas manifesting itself!  See, "Jess" even uses a different color of font, just like the bizarre mailbag impersonator from the original mailbag.

 

An interesting thought, I think.  And, just to satisfy this figment of Chris' imagination:  KUSO.  That's Japanese for "shit."  I do hope you find that more creative than "FUCK."

 

Yours,

 

RedShoes60@aol.com

 

Dear Rudeshoes,

 

How... RUDE! How narrow-minded!

 

The fact is, Jessi and I BOTH run APP and the Dear APP column. It is now a binary entity! And I ASSURE you, Jessi is a separate person with her own likes and dislikes and writing style and hang-ups and pets and address labels and combs and books and cleaning products and bills and cars and CDs and magazine subscriptions and social security number and things. We started this with two people, because I learned from my previous incarnation that sometimes a column requires two minds.

 

Look, if you don’t want to talk to her, fine, send it on to me at chris@abpam.com. And for all of you people that hate me and like her (Ha ha ha, as if there ARE any people like that - hmmm? Oh, sorry.), bypass me and send it to jessi@abpam.com. But don’t be so mean, Redshoes!

 

And I see you're still hung up on that "Metaworm" thing - good God. It was just a MAILBOX, people!

 

Greetings, oh illustrious Mailbag.

 

I just wanted to let you know that I missed you guys. When HO cancelled the Absurd IM's, I was distraught. When they put an end to the mailbag, I had no reason to go on living. That is, until I discovered free porn.

 

Chris D McMillan [mr_dead@juno.com]

 

Thanks - yes, those things distraughtified me as well. Oh, well. Spilled water under the bridge, no use crying over the two dead birds in the bush, I suppose.

 

By the way - do you guys have any suggestions for APP? Oh, we may not take them, but we’d love to hear them.

 

AND NOT SUGGESTIONS ABOUT COLORS.

 

Dear APP:

 

Hey, I was just wondering.  If I put a link to your page in my homepage, will you put a link to my homepage in your page?

 

Debbie51273@aol.com

 

Dear Deb,

 

MAYBE. Maybe we will, maybe we won't. If we DO feature a link, though, it will be in a  review of your page. Are you ready for such abuse?

 

Dear APP,

 

I like the idea that your doing everything by answering in different colors.  BUT DID YOU EVER THINK OF THE COLORBLIND PEOPLE LIKE ME!!!!  NO, BECAUSE YOUR SELFISH BASTADS, THATS WHY.

 

Calmy Your,

 

Prope6310@aol.com

 

OK. We admit that this did not occur to us, just as it did not occur to us to create a Braille or large print or EXTRA LOUD site for deaf people. So... to  Prope and other people of no color (Ha ha!), all this talk about duality in the mailbag is just crazy talk.  And we apologize for that. We'll get the focus group people to work.

 

Dear APP:

 

I have been a long time respondee of the mailbag from whence it came at the HO corporation, and i must say you are doing a fairly good job in continuing the gaudy humor and tasteless but amusing jokes.  I however love these jokes.  Its nice to see the omnipresent all powerful mailbag back.  Or are you going for a new down to earth come over and bar-b-que sometimes mailbag?  Do you classify yourself as a better mailbag or just different?  Discuss this in a 500 word essay with a thesis and outline. Begin now.

 

Wraitheman@aol.com

 

Dear Wraith,

 

New mail column here, with yellow and green. Different, yet same.  Lots of funny, and maybe some thinking.

 

P.S. I know I'm short around 482 words. Sorry. Nice to see you again, by the way.

 

Dear APP,

 

As the long time devoted head groupie of the previous incarnation of the mailbag, I find this new mailbag with a Chris and a Jessi vaguely confusing.  Who now do I offer my sacrifices to?  When the other groupies and I get together, to whom do we offer our prayers and dirty thoughts?  Jonathan, the lowest groupie on the totem pole, says he finds Jessi "refreshing" and no longer has to "question his sexuality."  Please, help your groupies.  When you burn out in a blaze of glory and have no more so-called "fans," only the groupies will remember you.

 

And we'll still love you. (Jonathan would like to add--"But not in a gay way.")

 

LdyCaerie@aol.com

 

Dear Lady,

 

All sacrifices can be left at the APP loading dock, at 8th and Main. Please wrap any bloody packages in two separate plastic bags, and label PERISHABLE.

 

 

Write to APP:  -  HOME

 

 

© 1999 Absurd Pamphlet Press