A Column About - What Else - This Column
Dearest APP:
May I make a tiny request? The way things are done now my tiny
screen can't hold all the text and I have to scroll side to side to read each
line. Maybe if you could put everything in the center so I'm not getting dizzy
trying to read the mailbag I so love?
Also, may I make a suggestion as well? Can you have an automatic
subject line? It's really simple to do. After you do the a href="your
e-mail" put a ?subject="Subject_Line_Here" - the ? is what makes
it work. You have to put those stupid _ between cause spaces make that stupid
20% thingie.
CDeVillon@aol.com
Dear Cde,
My God, is this YOUR Mail column, or
ours? You people don't like our margins, our no subject lines, our color
scheme, NOTHING! Write your OWN subject line! That's how I know if you're
interesting enough to respond to! And doesn't your browser have that function
where you can reduce the font? Reduce, woman, reduce!
Dear APP:
Just a note to let you know I enjoy the website.
Gary
Gary:
Gary.
I… (shaking head, wiping two tears away, chin quivering like Claire
Danes) Gary. Thank you so much for your note.
It may seem small to you. It may
seem like you just shot that thing off and pressed send and it was nothing,
just a method of killing 15 seconds.
But it was more. Much more. It made me smile, it made me…weep. YES.
YES. I’m not afraid. Because you see Gary, I’m a real person. There are people who frequent this mailbag
that think several things about me.
They think I’m fake. They
think…I’m Chris…or if I’m not Chris, they think I’m some sort of mailbag
apprentice, or that I’m CHRIS’ BITCH or something. And I’m not. I’m a real
woman, with real needs, and Gary…you understand that. And I love you for it.
This IS Gary Sinise, right?
Yours in Christ,
Jessi
Dear APP:
I don't like you anymore. You make me sad, not happy. The old
mailbag made me laugh. But I'm not
laugh. Dear GOD, why am I not laughing???
Rabbit1414@aol.com
Dear Rabbit,
The old mailbag, the old mailbag. Old
mailbag, old mailbag, OLD MAILBAG, OLD MAILBAG! People, PLEASE! Can we not
simply let the past be the past? This is a NEW mail column! And a mail column
that is, by the way, no longer tied to any "comedy" site!
I mean, look around you! Everything's
BLACK! We're a morose people! We're nihilists! We believe in nothing! We're
HERE to make you sad! Why are you not laughing? Would everything be black -
with specks of green and yellow - if we were interested in making Rabbits like
yourself laugh?!?!? THINK ABOUT IT!
Dear APP:
I recently read your latest updates at app, but only have the one
comment. That tag line hurt. You know, the one under the page's title
banner? Just because we aren't writing
to you, you should not take offense. A
letter unwritten could also be a potential complaint you did not receive. Am I to feel obligated to write you every
time you stick out your lower lip and get all pouty? Well, it worked and I did.
Congratulations. I hope you're
proud of yourself.
Bunny
Dear Bunny:
First of all, have you read The Secret
History? You might want to change your
name. Second of all, I’d like to take
this moment to explain the Quote Of The Moment feature of APP. The quotes mean nothing. At all.
They are simply extractions from IM’s that Chris and I share. The reference to the empty mailbox was
actually part of a conversation I had with Chris regarding a book search I was
on, and I was waiting for an email back regarding the status. OK?
Mr.-APP-Readers-Are-The-Center-Of-The-Universe? Of course I enjoy mail from the readers, and
I am saddened when I don’t have a mailbox overflowing, but you’re right, I’d
rather have no mail at all than 10 letters from Coat10 complaining about the
site, so I guess I’d like to say, you’re right, I’m right, we’re all right, so
let’s move on.
Love,
Jessi
Dear APP:
Ah, why did they take Owen AND the mailbag? Thank all that is fair to middling (or at
least mediocre, but good would be stretching it an holy is right out) that
you've returned.
This is more of an Owen question, but eh...
Do you suppose that big-time published authors come up with
plotlines first and play mix and match with those and themes, or do they start
with pure, unadultered theme and build up from there? Or are themes just made up by English teachers to torture
students and make them write nonsensical essays?
Thankee,
or no thankee if I don't
like your answer,
delavine@aol.com
Dear Delavine, (at Aol.com)
MUST you people keep rubbing my
previous incarnation in our face? (YES - that sentence IS grammatically
correct, all things considered, you nitpickers) I won’t answer why they took
away the old Mailbag AND Owen, because it was not my decision, and this site is
not affiliated with THAT site. AT ALL.
NOTE TO NEW READERS: Confused? Don’t
worry. It's not worth explaining, really, and anyway, we're hoping this theme
will go away in a few weeks. HOPING.)
As to your second question, I don't
think big-time authors play mix and match with those and themes. I don't really
know HOW big-time writers think of writing, but I'll bet they don't really
worry about being able to discuss their theme in 500 words or less on essay
tests. I think "themes" are sometimes silly things that silly English
teachers make up, and that the writers themselves are sometimes just writing
without reasoning through the whole process first. Much as we do this column.
Dear APP:
Why are you SATAN?
*Fishy
Dear Fishy:
First of all, I have to take a minute,
sit back and just breathe. The fact is,
I didn’t KNOW I was Satan, or that Chris was Satan, or that the two of us were
some sort of unholy syndicate. So,
before I can answer WHY, I must first apologize for several things which we
must be responsible for, seeing as we are, in fact, SATAN. About that Jon Benet thing, sorry. Sorry about all these earthquakes and
wildfires and El Nino and other weather disasters. Sorry about O.J. and the movie Son In Law, and of course, the
continuing success of Gene Schalit.
These are things that are inherent to my nature, being Satan, and I
can’t help but do them. As to WHY we
are Satan, I may have to turn that over to my colleague, Chris, who knows more
about the origins of evil than I could ever dream.
I think the REAL question here is not
why are WE Satan, but why are you NOT?
Note to Jessi: Sorry. I really dropped the ball on this one. It just
caught me off guard, is all.
Dear APP:
The world, an entity out of everything, was created by neither
gods nor men, but was, is, and will be eternally living fire, regularly
becoming ignited, and regularly becoming extinguished. -Heraclitus
FlamesRage
Dear Flame: (And I mean that affectionately)
Are you sad that I cut out your entire
letter and focused only on your “signature quote”? I hope not, I wouldn’t want to incur your FLAME RAGE. As you can assume, I love fire myself, and I
found your quote to be fascinating, if not packed with hopelessness and
despair. After reading your quote I
would like to offer you one piece of advice…I hope you’re a happy person Flame,
because Anger coupled with an Admiration of Fire can only end in tragedy, but
Anger coupled with Fire and mixed with MUSICAL TALENT, can end in a Kiss
Tribute Band.
Thoughtfully,
jessi
Dear APP:
I suddenly feel the urge, nay, the need to make a rant. This rant is of course against people who
use the word "phat." These
people, I'm convinced, are the cause of most aneurysms. There is just something incredibly,
inherently wrong with this; I'm sure this would have been mentioned in the
Bible but at the time it never occurred to God that anybody would ever be so
stupid. Furthermore, I'd like to
suggest that anybody who goes so far as the specifically SPELL it should be put
to death immediately or possibly injected with some sort lava. I'd suggest some form of torture involving
the Backstreet Boys, but the these people would probably just enjoy it. And I won't even discuss people who use
"money" as an adjective . . .
"My ability to remain humble in the presence of my own
greatness is an inspiration to others."
Kyle M. McCowin- JOATMON
CortJstr@virginia.edu (Kyle McCowin)
Dear Jester,
I'm sorry, I can't concentrate on what
you said because of the SHEER VOLUME OF TEXT THAT FOLLOWS EVERY EMAIL YOU SEND.
CHRIST ALMIGHTY, MAN! Whenever you send email, you must tie up phone lines
around the globe!
Ladies and gents, this is what follows
the "body" of an email from Kyle. First of all, a list of his
alternate email identities, which are numerous:
* CortJstr@virginia.edu * CortJstr@aol.com CortJstr@earthdome.com
CortJstr@somethingorother.com CourtlyJester@aol.com DejaVu@somethingorother.com
frecklejuice4@wouldilie.com ItsGleep@aol.com kmm8t@virginia.edu
PatsyThePage@aol.com Odysseyan@aol.com VampHuntD@earthdome.com
WrldAddres@aol.com
We also get a plug for his personal
website, which I really don’t mind, and can certainly understand:
http://members.aol.com/CortJstr/wizdumb.html
Then we get this:
--------------------
<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.0
Transitional//EN">
<HEAD>
<META content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1" http-equiv=Content-Type>
<META content="MSHTML 5.00.2614.3401"
name=GENERATOR>
<STYLE></STYLE>
</HEAD>
THEN WE GET THE COMPLETE TEXT OF THE
BODY AGAIN FOR SOME REASON, WHICH I WILL SPARE YOU HERE. And then we get this:
----------------------- Headers --------------------------------
Return-Path: <CortJstr@virginia.edu>
Received: from
rly-yc05.mx.aol.com (rly-yc05.mail.aol.com [172.18.149.37]) by
air-yc01.mail.aol.com (vx) with ESMTP; Thu, 30 Sep 1999 16:42:05 -0400
Received: from
mail.virginia.edu (mail.virginia.edu [128.143.2.9]) by
rly-yc05.mx.aol.com (v61.13) with ESMTP; Thu, 30 Sep 1999 16:41:49 -0400
Received: from unix.mail.virginia.edu by mail.virginia.edu id
aa22292;
30 Sep 99 16:40
EDT
Received: from jester.Virginia.EDU (bootp-246-241.bootp.Virginia.EDU
[128.143.246.241])
by unix.mail.Virginia.EDU
(8.8.7/8.8.7) with SMTP id QAA20906;
Thu, 30 Sep 1999 16:40:43
-0400
Message-ID: <002b01bf0b84$5dc2cf60$f1f68f80@Virginia.EDU>
Reply-To: Kyle McCowin <CortJstr@virginia.edu>
From: Kyle McCowin <CortJstr@virginia.edu>
To: APPFeed <APPFeed@aol.com>, HoChicago
<HoChicago@aol.com>
Subject: a rant
Date: Thu, 30 Sep 1999 16:42:52 -0400
MIME-Version: 1.0
Content-Type: multipart/alternative;
boundary="----=_NextPart_000_0028_01BF0B62.D66E0BE0"
X-Priority: 3
X-MSMail-Priority: Normal
X-Mailer: Microsoft Outlook Express 5.00.2014.211
X-MimeOLE: Produced By Microsoft MimeOLE V5.00.2014.211
Now, most of that was not Jester's
fault, but let's not forget that he THEN CHOOSES TO ATTACH A SIGNATURE TO HIS
EMAILS. GOD, Kyle! The Internet BEGS you - give it a break! It's like handing
someone 400 of your business cards!
P.S. But don’t stop writing.
Dear Chris:
I'd like for you to know how sad and disappointed I am that The
False Mailbag Impersonator hath responded to my mail. How sad, sad indeed. And
how disappointed, disappointed indeed I am.
Thine yellow text means nothing to me.
I seek only the light that can be provided by the green glow of The One,
True Mailbag.
I am here solely because He invited me, and I shall only continue
to read the Phoenix-like resurgence of the Mailbag as long as only He may
respond to my letters.
In truth, I don't think this "jess" is real at all, but
actually yet another of Chris' bizarre mailbag personas manifesting
itself! See, "Jess" even uses
a different color of font, just like the bizarre mailbag impersonator from the
original mailbag.
An interesting thought, I think.
And, just to satisfy this figment of Chris' imagination: KUSO.
That's Japanese for "shit."
I do hope you find that more creative than "FUCK."
Yours,
RedShoes60@aol.com
Dear Rudeshoes,
How... RUDE! How narrow-minded!
The fact is, Jessi and I BOTH run APP
and the Dear APP column. It is now a binary entity! And I ASSURE you, Jessi is
a separate person with her own likes and dislikes and writing style and
hang-ups and pets and address labels and combs and books and cleaning products
and bills and cars and CDs and magazine subscriptions and social security
number and things. We started this with two people, because I learned from my
previous incarnation that sometimes a column requires two minds.
Look, if you don’t want to talk to her,
fine, send it on to me at chris@abpam.com. And for all of you people that hate
me and like her (Ha ha ha, as if there ARE any people like that - hmmm? Oh,
sorry.), bypass me and send it to jessi@abpam.com. But don’t be so mean,
Redshoes!
And I see you're still hung up on that
"Metaworm" thing - good God. It was just a MAILBOX, people!
Greetings, oh illustrious Mailbag.
I just wanted to let you know that I missed you guys. When HO
cancelled the Absurd IM's, I was distraught. When they put an end to the
mailbag, I had no reason to go on living. That is, until I discovered free
porn.
Chris D McMillan [mr_dead@juno.com]
Thanks - yes, those things
distraughtified me as well. Oh, well. Spilled water under the bridge, no use
crying over the two dead birds in the bush, I suppose.
By the way - do you guys have any
suggestions for APP? Oh, we may not take them, but we’d love to hear them.
AND NOT SUGGESTIONS ABOUT COLORS.
Dear APP:
Hey, I was just wondering.
If I put a link to your page in my homepage, will you put a link to my
homepage in your page?
Debbie51273@aol.com
Dear Deb,
MAYBE. Maybe we will, maybe we won't.
If we DO feature a link, though, it will be in a review of your page. Are you ready for such abuse?
Dear APP,
I like the idea that your doing everything by answering in
different colors. BUT DID YOU EVER
THINK OF THE COLORBLIND PEOPLE LIKE ME!!!!
NO, BECAUSE YOUR SELFISH BASTADS, THATS WHY.
Calmy Your,
Prope6310@aol.com
OK. We admit that this did not occur to
us, just as it did not occur to us to create a Braille or large print or EXTRA
LOUD site for deaf people. So... to
Prope and other people of no color (Ha ha!), all this talk about duality
in the mailbag is just crazy talk. And
we apologize for that. We'll get the focus group people to work.
Dear APP:
I have been a long time respondee of the mailbag from whence it
came at the HO corporation, and i must say you are doing a fairly good job in
continuing the gaudy humor and tasteless but amusing jokes. I however love these jokes. Its nice to see the omnipresent all powerful
mailbag back. Or are you going for a
new down to earth come over and bar-b-que sometimes mailbag? Do you classify yourself as a better mailbag
or just different? Discuss this in a
500 word essay with a thesis and outline. Begin now.
Wraitheman@aol.com
Dear Wraith,
New mail column here, with yellow and
green. Different, yet same. Lots of
funny, and maybe some thinking.
P.S. I know I'm short around 482 words.
Sorry. Nice to see you again, by the way.
Dear APP,
As the long time devoted head groupie of the previous incarnation
of the mailbag, I find this new mailbag with a Chris and a Jessi vaguely
confusing. Who now do I offer my
sacrifices to? When the other groupies
and I get together, to whom do we offer our prayers and dirty thoughts? Jonathan, the lowest groupie on the totem
pole, says he finds Jessi "refreshing" and no longer has to
"question his sexuality."
Please, help your groupies. When
you burn out in a blaze of glory and have no more so-called "fans,"
only the groupies will remember you.
And we'll still love you. (Jonathan would like to add--"But
not in a gay way.")
LdyCaerie@aol.com
Dear Lady,
All sacrifices can be left at the APP
loading dock, at 8th and Main. Please wrap any bloody packages in two separate
plastic bags, and label PERISHABLE.
Write
to APP: - HOME
© 1999 Absurd Pamphlet
Press