APP: A Guide to Debate

An APP Guide to Defending the Status Quo

You say you have an argument. You don’t really have any points to make, but you don’t really like your opponent, and just sense that he's wrong. Maybe you know in your heart of hearts that he is wrong, although you can't articulate how. Well, feel free to use this handy guide to help you win almost any debate.

1) NITPICK ALL ANALOGIES

People often try to illustrate their points by making analogies or parallels. One way to throw them off the track is to nitpick these "parallel" examples, and ignore the larger point they are trying to make. Then your opponent will spend his time trying to clarify his argument, which makes him look like an inarticulate boob.

THEM: Sometimes I think we could take a lesson from Prohibition in the 40s when it comes to the so-called "Drug War" in this country.

YOU: Prohibition was introduced in 1920, you boob. And it was over in 1933!

THEM: Yes, but what I'm saying is-

YOU: Do you even know what you're talking about? Maybe you ought to get your facts straight. It sounds to me like you're on drugs YOURSELF right now!

THEM: OK, I got the date wrong, but the point is-

YOU: Why don’t you take another hit from your bong, maybe it'll clear your head.

THEM: Forget it.

2) THE BUMPER STICKER PRINCIPLE

If you learn nothing else from this Debate Guide, learn this point: No matter what you say, it must be short and clever enough to be an amusing, memorable bumper sticker. If you cannot articulate your point in one catchy phrase, then perhaps your point is not worth making! This is by far THE most important thing you can learn here today.

BAD EXAMPLE: Yes, we've had many setbacks in the space program, but we're never going to advance as a species if we stay here and destroy the earth.

Sorry, that's not going to fit on any bumper sticker. (Using an American-sized bumper as the standard of measurement.)

GOOD EXAMPLE: If man was meant to fly, God would have given him wings.

Now - who do you think is going to win this debate? The long-winded "science nerd?" Hardly. This leads to another very important point:

3) DURING THE COURSE OF YOUR DEFENSE, REVEAL THE TRUE WILL OF GOD

It's a simple technique, but it will throw off anyone who considers themselves religious. I mean, who wants to go against the Will of God? And who would argue with the Messenger of God, the one man who God has chosen to reveal His Will to? It is used in the following fashion:

"If God had wanted X, he wouldn't have Y."

Insert your opponent's point for X, which will most likely be some change in the status quo, and insert something that supports the status quo for Y. You can be fairly creative with Y.

EXAMPLE:

If God had wanted us to use electric cars, then he wouldn't have placed fossil fuels hundreds of miles under the surface of the earth for us to find and convert to oil and gasoline.

If God had meant women to serve in the military, he wouldn't have made them physically inferior to men.

You see? Your opponent may choose to continue arguing, or he may go for your "God" bait, denying that you know what He is thinking. Use this opportunity to move on to the next point, leaving your opponent in the dust.

4) GRIEVING PARENTS: THE TRUMP CARD OF EVERY DEBATE

Not every defender of the status quo will be lucky enough to have loss of human life on his side in a debate. But if you do, and, luckier still, if children are the ones that have lost their lives, then you can declare victory right out of the gate. Grieving parents are seen as mystical seers into the truth. The words that come out of their mouths in courtrooms or at press conferences are seen to be as pure as the undriven snow.

TEARFUL MOTHER WHO HAS LOST A CHILD, COMFORTED BY A HAGGARD-LOOKING HUSBAND: I... I just knew when they brought Willie James Brown out in court... I just knew... in my heart if hearts... that he was the one that took my little Mary Sue from that playground. You could just.. you could just see it in his eyes. (breaks down completely)

AMERICAN PRESS: I'm sold. Let's go with that as the lead for the 10 o' clock news.

(They do.)

AMERICAN PUBLIC: I'm sold. I hope they hang Willie James Brown from the highest tree.

(Note: In the post-Susan Smith post-Ramseys legal climate, using the Grieving Parent Trump Card depends on having a guilty-looking suspect in custody first.)

4) TRADITION

You say the change your opponent espouses involves dismantling or revising a system that has been in place for a long time? Again, you can declare victory right now. The "If It Ain't Broke, Don't Fix It" principle can have you on your way to lunch by 11. Even if the system your opponent condones revising or modifying is inefficient or generally reviled by all, then you can still have an audience laughing at your foolish opponent in minutes.

THEM: I think the U.S. Congress is the most inefficient, time and money-wasting bureaucracy in the Western world. I can't believe we can't come up with a better system than that.

YOU: Listen - it's worked for two hundred years. Why should we change it?

(Check below for another approach to this example.)

THEM: The Post Office is raising the price of stamps AGAIN. I think they should privatize that department.

YOU: Yes, and while you're at it, why don’t we just invite Fidel Castro in to be Postmaster General?

This brings us to our next point:

5) TIE THE EVIL OF COMMUNISM IN SOMEHOW

Pull a Joe McCarthy on your opponent. It still works, even after all this time. Most people don't know what Communism truly is, nor why it was feared decades ago, nor why it failed in the instance of the USSR. But merely mentioning the name is enough. Use the Communism / Socialism Trump Card, a card almost as powerful as the Grieving Parents card, and you've won.

THEM: I just had to pay $70 for a bottle of prescription pills! That is RIDICULOUS!

YOU: Yeah, but what are you going to do?

THEM: It's not like this in Canada - their whole health system is MUCH cheaper for the consumer!

YOU: That's because they have a SOCIALIZED medical program. You want to have Fidel Castro checking your blood pressure, be my guest. Commie.

6) VIEW THE FOUNDING FATHERS AS MYSTICAL PROPHETS

If your opponent's change or discussion falls within the realm of something the Founding Fathers established, then you can disable him easily, and move on. What your opponent does not realize is that the Founding Fathers were not just brilliant statesmen, but prophets that foresaw all possible circumstances, conditions, and advances far past their lifetime. The Constitution is not so much a historical document as Holy Writ.

THEM: I can't believe how bloated and corrupt our government is. Sometimes I think the Senate and the House just aren't equipped to represent a population as big as America's anymore.

YOU: If it was good enough for the Founding Fathers, it's good enough for me.

Another one:

THEM: Are you telling me that anyone should have the right to own an assault rifle? That shoots bullets specifically designed to shred police armor?

YOU: Listen, the Founding Fathers knew what they were doing when they put the right to bear arms in the Constitution. Maybe YOU want to be unarmed and defenseless against a police state, not me.

THEM: But isn't that principle based on the single-shot guns available in Colonial times? Do you really think they foresaw the advent of fast-repeating rifles-

YOU: GEORGE WASHINGTON SAID I COULD HAVE A GUN SO I CAN HAVE A GUN.

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