An APP Round Table
Apparently we haven't been paying enough attention to Nihilists or the Metaphysical. Our apologies. GO

The Missionaries' Position
Horrendously inappropriate? Or just a good-natured ribbing of the less fortunate? You decide. GO

My Very Very Faves
Do you want to open up your Internet Explorer 4.5 only to discover that the favorites menu is EXACTLY the same as Jessi's? GO!

Or, Aquaman's Torments. GO

An APP Guide to Debate
Disable your opponent's weak arguments, even if you don't know what they are. Let's Argue!

White Slavery
Which of us has not had a conversation like this? LET'S HAVE A SHOW OF HANDS. GO

Peanuts vs. The World
Heresy? Or unspoken truth? You decide. GO

Blind Date: The Marquis De Sade
We set up court clerk / aspiring hand model Kathy Pearson with the Marquis De Sade. GO

If You Want Misanthropy, Just Say So
Another glorious web review from Jessi. GO

Running Commentary
Christ, if Larry King can do it, why can't I? GO

Good Grief and Other Poems
More poetry from the mind of Jessi. GO

Notes Pt. III
Let's just change the spelling to "ordervs." WHO'S WITH ME? GO!

The Very First Contest*
You think you're so funny…PROVE IT. GO!

Glamour Rejects Me
Never in the history of the world was good news preceded by Dear Writer. GO

PROPE! Come Back
Jessi Falls At The Piehole's Feet. GO

Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer
Christmas Special Reflections, Questions to Be Answered and Hot Hot HOT Rankin Bass Love. GO

A Thanksgiving Letter For The Pieholes

A Thanksgiving Mandate From Editor Jessi. GO


Point / Counterpoint
"Having someone's back." What does it really mean? And who's going to get MY back when Jessi cheats in the counterpoint? YES, I SAID "CHEATS." GO

Jessi's Christmas List 1999
It's never too early to buy gifts for your favorite webmasters. GO

The Delicate Dance Of The APP
An Editorial Statement from Jessi. GO

The Nerf Room
APP has invented the ULTIMATE in sports arenas, the ULTIMATE in relaxation venues, the ULTIMATE in stomach-turning fun! And we want YOU to design a game for it! GO

Point / Counterpoint
E.T. The Extraterrestrial... Should he be kicked to death? GO

The Irony Engine
and Other Poems
Featuring "The Forgotten Menagerie" and the complete "Irony Engine." GO

Free Range Pears
It's not a new band... it's a poem. GO

How to Call in to a
Sports Radio Talk Show
Left to write the blurbs again, he decided to make at least one have nothing to do with the article whatsoever - as a warning. GO

A Modest Proposal: The McCaleb Zone
I'm not asking the Department of Transportation to solve this problem - just to  name it after me. GO

My Day Perusing the Email
Reviewed: The several email solicitations for porn sites received this morning. GO

21st Century Technology... Just Out Of Your Reach. Yet another company whose customer service is so wanting, we had to write a column about it. GO

Can't Throw A Rock
Without Hitting An Angel Book
Inspirational new subtitles for inspirational books. GO

My Migraine
DON'T say you've had a migraine until you've checked in with someone who really has. A report from the recovery room by our beleaguered correspondent in yellow. GO


The Fifty Theses
The world can't go wrong if it follows these simple rules. GO

The Proverbial Job Interview
You thought it was hard to get that counter job at Taco Bell? GO

Significant Other
I have railed against Limp Bizkit like they were a strong and long standing cancer wiping out everyone in my family. But then, I was confronted with a problem. GO

Ayn Rants
What started as an idle Instant Message conversation became a bizarre and unwarranted attack on the life work of Ayn Rand. GO

or Good Ways to Get Murdered By Me
Come to Chicago!  See the sites! But for GOD'S sake, settle down. GO

The Candy Corn Cycle
Fall is in the air, and with it comes...inspiration. GO!

The Shiny Rock Industry
I am pleased to report that western America's most important industry, the Shiny Rock industry, is doing quite well.  GO

Fan Letters From A Flounderer
Famous people of the world... DAMN YOU TO HELL. GO

A Modest Proposal:
Neighborhoods ALIVE!
Hey, I have a good idea! Why not make it EVEN HARDER to park in the city of Chicago! Yeah! That's it! The Proposal

I Hate People
Sometimes it's the way people honestly feel that WINE MATTERS. GO

A Modest Proposal: Southwest Airlines
Southwest, you will be interested to note that there was at least ONE INCH of wasted space between my leg and the seat in front of me! GO

All right, people, line up. We're going to straighten some things out. GO

Counterpoint: Female Villains
Dear APP: Why is it that when villains are female in the movies, they are portrayed as basically wildly over-sexed deviants? Why is it when a man is a villain, it's just sort of... OK? GO

Don't Feed The Whistlepig and Other Poems
They may look tame--but watch out! Also featuring Anime Shanime and I Don't Know Davey. GO

A Modest Proposal: Interactive Zoo Kiosks
Attention, Zoos of the World. Want to increase attendance by 1000%? Then this free proposal is for you. GO

Rammstein vs. N' Sync
A comparative breakdown of the two very similar bands, contrasting such factors as Lyrical Content, Sex Appeal, and Use of Fire & Liquids. GO

Ameritech, and a Theory of Human Behavior
It's not a theory that I WANT to embrace. But they're forcing me to, people. GO

The Meaning of Life (Updated)
The continuing column charting Crash McCartney's views on this most epic question! GO

The Robots of Citibank
I tell, you the war between Robots and Humans is already being waged, and Citibank is site of the first Robot's victory. GO

Music as Accomplice
I'm not going to tell you that the members of Rammstein are good, catholic, low fat, low cholesterol, puppy loving angels, because they're not. GO

APP Blind Date Set Up:
Audrey / Darth Maul
Audrey MacArthur, 24, Advertising Junior Executive, was looking for someone interesting, and we here at APP found him. GO

In Defense of Livin' La Vida Loca
A startling admission from a member of the APP editorial staff. GO

The Water Moccasin Cycle
Various brilliant poems, featuring Reembowelled, Cary Grant Runs for His Life, and Having Dropped the Tack I Was Saving. GO

APP Blind Date Set Up:
Padme / Obi-Wan
We jump the gun on Episode 2 to get those two together, if even for just one date. GO

Frequently Asked Questions about our site, life, and other things. GO

As a public service, APP has a few simple suggestions that might make life a little easier. GO


© 2000  Absurd Pamphlet Press