I Hate People

I Hate People

I really realized this yesterday. I hate people and usually it’s for some totally inane reason. Sometimes it’s the way that they refuse to look me in the eye or insist on crossing the street when it says DON’T WALK. Sometimes it’s the way that they say "that’s so stupid" when they know damn well that it’s cool and they’re just trying to be controversial. It could be the way that some people take ice cream off of a spoon with their upper lip or people who eat an apple waaay too slow so that it turns brown and mushy while they sit next to me on the bus. Maybe it’s the way that some people incessantly breathe through their mouths, or people who watch the X Files like it’s a God given religion. And I know that they’ve suffered enough, but sometimes, it’s the Trekkies or the TrekkERs, or people named OPRAH WINFREY or DAVID MAMET. Sometimes it’s the way people cut me off in traffic, or won’t merge when they know the left lane is closing. Sometimes it’s the way people chew with their mouths open, IN A RESTAURANT. Sometimes it’s the way that old people automatically assume that just because they’ve dragged their asses through 80 years of life that they DESERVE my respect and can therefore be the bitchiest people on the planet I know it’s the way people ALWAYS complain that they’re tired or sick or cold just as a conversation filler. It’s the way that people take being frugal to a new tight ass level so that NONE of us can go out and have fun because THEY drag us down. It’s the way some people REFUSE, flat out refuse to SHUT THE FUCK UP in a movie theatre. Sometimes it’s that one girl on the el that had her cheese all wrapped up in Saran Wrap and would rewrap it after every bite. UNWRAP the thing and eat it. QUIT BEING A MEEK CHEESE EATER. Sometimes it’s the way people look down on me when I go into the Dolce & Gabbana salon. Sometimes it’s the way people make fun of Kevin Costner JUST because it’s cool to make fun of Kevin Costner. It’s most definitely the way that people use a Kleenex as a flimsy excuse to pick their nose in public by wrapping the Kleenex around their finger and jammin’ it up there. Sometimes it’s the way people assume that all people who are against abortion are wackos. Sometimes it’s because people are uptalkers? And they end every sentence like a question? Usually it’s people who bitch and bitch and bitch at a restaurant SIMPLY because they want to get a free meal. Sometimes it’s people who INSIST that they have PROOF that Rammstein are Nazi. GIRLS WHO ACT TOO GIRLY AND YOU KNOW IT’S JUST AN ACT. It’s people who STILL use the term "girlfriend". It’s girls who have "girls night out" and drink white wine and eat chocolate and sit around and bitch about how men suck. Sometimes it’s the way people refer to everything in the field of entertainment as a "piece". "Oh, did you see Laughter on the 23rd Floor?" What a wonderful piece." Sometimes it’s parents who refuse to correct their children because "they’re expressing themselves". Sometimes it’s parents who blame ME because THEIR kids broke something in MY house. Sometimes it’s parents who can talk about NOTHING ELSE EXCEPT THEIR CHILDREN. Sometimes it’s parents who obviously feel like they’ve maybe made a horrible mistake so if they convince ME to be a parent we can share our sorrow. NO DICE MAMA. Sometimes it’s the women at the gym who do their hair and makeup BEFORE working out. It’s the way film makers insist on recycling the "Damn, I broke a nail" joke in every frigging movie. Sometimes it’s MTV. Sometimes it’s people who sneeze far too loud for no reason at all. Sometimes it’s the way people say one thing and then do another and then claim that they never said the first thing. Sometimes it’s the way people send me a minimum of seven chain emails a day. Sometimes it’s the way people honestly feel that WINE MATTERS. You know, sometimes it’s the way that people can be really really ugly and still look really really happy with themselves…because even though I’m NOT really really ugly, I STILL feel really really bad about myself. It’s just that simple. Sometimes it’s all these things put together…and sometimes, I just want to punch them.

Featurama - Home