by Jessi
Well, in my weekly perusal of
various “fansites”, a tribute that only the “hottest” and “coolest” of actors
receive, I have discovered that Jason Behr, my main man Max on Roswell, is, in
fact, 26 years old. Naturally, this
threw me into a tailspin regarding my laminated list of famous people that I’m
allowed to have sex with. I mean, you
all know that I have no problem putting teenagers on that list, but if a MAN
who LOOKS like a TEENAGER comes my way…he must be given ultimate
consideration. And so, I fear, that it
is time I reviewed and revised, my laminated list.
In the number one position we have
Gary Sinise, and that will never
change. Ever. The attraction of Gary lies in his limitless talent, smoldering
good looks with an edge of quirkiness, his quietness, and his ability to
deliver a devastating throat punch. I
saw Gary play Stanley in Streetcar Named Desire at the Steppenwolf Theatre last
year, and let me say this…RED SATIN PAJAMAS GIRLS…get a pair for your lover
today. Besides, one of my criteria for
falling in love with celebrities is what I like to call “the expert
factor”. If someone is the very best at
what they do, and regarded as the very best by others within his field, that
automatically puts him higher on the attractive scale. Gary Sinise is a wonderful director, actor
and producer of fine theatre in Chicago.
DO NOT WRITE TO ME trying to abuse the expert factor in an effort to be
funny. Yes, Stephen Hawking IS the best
at what he does…and so is Bill Gates…the point is, the expert factor is only
PART of the attraction…there must be something else.
So, the number one position is
solid.
In number two I see that I have
the God Of Hellfire and Former Olympic Swimmer Till Lindemann, the lead singer of Rammstein. Wow.
Man. Well, I don’t think this
can change either. The unfortunate
thing here is that this is the one laminate that my husband has NOT given
approval on, and that’s the whole point of the list – spousal approval. I keep thinking that I can slip this one by
him, but it’s hard to hide a 6’1” German.
Till is the danger boy of the list.
He’s a bad boy with bad habits and beautiful lips. He’s violent and angry and I’m constantly
reading about him being arrested or sued or something. That’s so great in a “I love villains” sort
of way. This man could easily kill me
in the throes of passion and I think that’s his attraction. Plus, after hearing a German man say your
name with a German accent, it’s hard to get him out of your mind. Till is the only list member with green
eyes. A definite plus.
Number two stays.
Ralph Fiennes. He’s being
cut from the list completely. Mainly
because…I think he’s a dick. I mean,
he’s gorgeous and talented and has a velvety voice, but from all I’ve
heard…he’s really really snotty and pretentious. And if I’m given a choice between hanging out with a leper or a
pretentious theatre person? I’m going
leprosy every time. If I could be
guaranteed that the Ralph Fiennes I encountered was the Ralph Fiennes from Quiz
Show or the English Patient, I may be able to keep him on the list, but there’s
always the danger of encountering Strange Days Ralph, or worse yet, the Ralph
Fiennes that had a moustache at the Oscars.
Yikes. That would be terrifying.
So three is open. It’s possible that this space could be
filled by either Jason Behr or, New
Orleans Saints rookie running back Ricky
Williams. It’s a toss up at this
point…let’s see how the rest of the list pans out.
Greg Kinnear at number four.
Oh boy. Greg is a crush that
I’ve had since about 1993, when I first saw him on Talk Soup. I could not FATHOM that there was this
fantastically beautiful man on a cable comedy show, who did a flawless
impression of Johnny Carson, and no one had heard of him. Imagine my anger when everyone jumped on the
Greg Kinnear bandwagon after Sabrina. I
hate when I discover things and then everyone in the world discovers it six
months later and I am denied any sort of “cutting edge” or “innovator” credit. Greg is very popular these days, but he’s
also married, and his hair is sort of out of control…I think I’m going to have
to cut him as well.
So let’s put Jason Behr at number three and Ricky
Williams at four.
Ricky Williams gets a space because of his aura. He’s a talented athlete, Heisman Trophy
winner, (expert factor), but he’s a little bit of a rebel (dredlocks, tattoos,
pierced ears and tongue), and on top of all of that he’s shy and mild mannered. So he’s the quiet rebel who’s not afraid to
wear a dress. I bet he’s a wild
one. Ricky can easily lose this spot,
however, by turning out to be a NOT GOOD running back…(looking meaningfully at
Rashan Salaam), or by being injured and out for the season.
Jude Law at five. Jude
made the list based solely on his performance in Gattaca, which wasn’t even a
good movie. I’m surprised he’s here
really, but he’s an interesting looking, clean cut boy with a glint of evil
hiding under the surface…and he’s English.
I pride myself on my list being culturally diverse, but I don’t think I
can give Jude number five status. If I
were granted at ten person list, he’d definitely make it, but for now, he’s
going to have to go.
OK, so that gives us an empty
space. Let’s brainstorm…Brady Anderson, Jason Gedrick, Chris Klein,
Kevin Spacey or…OR…OR….
Yes, I’ve discovered it…Number
five goes to the star of the Pretender, Michael
T. Weiss, who I affectionately call Jarod.
Michael is relatively buff, but he’s got an impish grin…(I’d like to see
an imp sometime…they must live a life of mirth). He’s also kind of an all American athlete looking guy, and I hear
he’s very nice and gracious. He’s the
boy you bring home to mama after you’ve nailed Till Lindemann.
So, just for the record…here’s the
final FOR ALL TIME Laminated List.
Gary Sinise
Till Lindemann
Jason Behr
Ricky Williams
Michael T. Weiss
© 1999 Absurd Pamphlet Press