A Review of My Laminated List

by Jessi


Well, in my weekly perusal of various “fansites”, a tribute that only the “hottest” and “coolest” of actors receive, I have discovered that Jason Behr, my main man Max on Roswell, is, in fact, 26 years old.  Naturally, this threw me into a tailspin regarding my laminated list of famous people that I’m allowed to have sex with.  I mean, you all know that I have no problem putting teenagers on that list, but if a MAN who LOOKS like a TEENAGER comes my way…he must be given ultimate consideration.  And so, I fear, that it is time I reviewed and revised, my laminated list.


In the number one position we have Gary Sinise, and that will never change.  Ever.  The attraction of Gary lies in his limitless talent, smoldering good looks with an edge of quirkiness, his quietness, and his ability to deliver a devastating throat punch.  I saw Gary play Stanley in Streetcar Named Desire at the Steppenwolf Theatre last year, and let me say this…RED SATIN PAJAMAS GIRLS…get a pair for your lover today.  Besides, one of my criteria for falling in love with celebrities is what I like to call “the expert factor”.  If someone is the very best at what they do, and regarded as the very best by others within his field, that automatically puts him higher on the attractive scale.  Gary Sinise is a wonderful director, actor and producer of fine theatre in Chicago.  DO NOT WRITE TO ME trying to abuse the expert factor in an effort to be funny.  Yes, Stephen Hawking IS the best at what he does…and so is Bill Gates…the point is, the expert factor is only PART of the attraction…there must be something else.


So, the number one position is solid.


In number two I see that I have the God Of Hellfire and Former Olympic Swimmer Till Lindemann, the lead singer of Rammstein.  Wow.  Man.  Well, I don’t think this can change either.  The unfortunate thing here is that this is the one laminate that my husband has NOT given approval on, and that’s the whole point of the list – spousal approval.  I keep thinking that I can slip this one by him, but it’s hard to hide a 6’1” German.  Till is the danger boy of the list.  He’s a bad boy with bad habits and beautiful lips.  He’s violent and angry and I’m constantly reading about him being arrested or sued or something.  That’s so great in a “I love villains” sort of way.  This man could easily kill me in the throes of passion and I think that’s his attraction.  Plus, after hearing a German man say your name with a German accent, it’s hard to get him out of your mind.  Till is the only list member with green eyes.  A definite plus. 


Number two stays.


Ralph Fiennes.  He’s being cut from the list completely.  Mainly because…I think he’s a dick.  I mean, he’s gorgeous and talented and has a velvety voice, but from all I’ve heard…he’s really really snotty and pretentious.  And if I’m given a choice between hanging out with a leper or a pretentious theatre person?  I’m going leprosy every time.  If I could be guaranteed that the Ralph Fiennes I encountered was the Ralph Fiennes from Quiz Show or the English Patient, I may be able to keep him on the list, but there’s always the danger of encountering Strange Days Ralph, or worse yet, the Ralph Fiennes that had a moustache at the Oscars.  Yikes.  That would be terrifying.


So three is open.  It’s possible that this space could be filled by either Jason Behr or, New Orleans Saints rookie running back Ricky Williams.  It’s a toss up at this point…let’s see how the rest of the list pans out.


Greg Kinnear at number four.  Oh boy.  Greg is a crush that I’ve had since about 1993, when I first saw him on Talk Soup.  I could not FATHOM that there was this fantastically beautiful man on a cable comedy show, who did a flawless impression of Johnny Carson, and no one had heard of him.  Imagine my anger when everyone jumped on the Greg Kinnear bandwagon after Sabrina.  I hate when I discover things and then everyone in the world discovers it six months later and I am denied any sort of “cutting edge” or “innovator” credit.  Greg is very popular these days, but he’s also married, and his hair is sort of out of control…I think I’m going to have to cut him as well.


So let’s put Jason Behr at number three and Ricky Williams at four.


Ricky Williams gets a space because of his aura.  He’s a talented athlete, Heisman Trophy winner, (expert factor), but he’s a little bit of a rebel (dredlocks, tattoos, pierced ears and tongue), and on top of all of that he’s shy and mild mannered.  So he’s the quiet rebel who’s not afraid to wear a dress.  I bet he’s a wild one.  Ricky can easily lose this spot, however, by turning out to be a NOT GOOD running back…(looking meaningfully at Rashan Salaam), or by being injured and out for the season.


Jude Law at five.  Jude made the list based solely on his performance in Gattaca, which wasn’t even a good movie.  I’m surprised he’s here really, but he’s an interesting looking, clean cut boy with a glint of evil hiding under the surface…and he’s English.  I pride myself on my list being culturally diverse, but I don’t think I can give Jude number five status.  If I were granted at ten person list, he’d definitely make it, but for now, he’s going to have to go.


OK, so that gives us an empty space.  Let’s brainstorm…Brady Anderson, Jason Gedrick, Chris Klein, Kevin Spacey or…OR…OR….


Yes, I’ve discovered it…Number five goes to the star of the Pretender, Michael T. Weiss, who I affectionately call Jarod.  Michael is relatively buff, but he’s got an impish grin…(I’d like to see an imp sometime…they must live a life of mirth).  He’s also kind of an all American athlete looking guy, and I hear he’s very nice and gracious.  He’s the boy you bring home to mama after you’ve nailed Till Lindemann. 


So, just for the record…here’s the final FOR ALL TIME Laminated List.


Gary Sinise

Till Lindemann

Jason Behr

Ricky Williams

Michael T. Weiss







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