Miranda, You Little Fool
11/12/99
Dear APP:
I need some advice. When I realized this I began to think of to whom I could turn, then it hit me. Who better to ask for advice than two people in a different time-zone, that I've never met, and like to mock and ridicule their fans?! I've recently started rehearsing the Tempest and I play Ferdinand the meat-head lover. Now it's seems obvious why Miranda falls in love with me, seeing as she's been trapped on an island and all, but why do I fall in love with her? Am I just in a weird emotional state, what with everybody I know dying and me being marooned and all, or is it disguised lust, or actual love, or what? And in the final scene, when I find out that nobody died, and I see my presumed-dead father I deliver like one line, what's that about? You'd think I'd have a little more to say than something about cursing the sea w/o cause. Now I admit that I haven't read the unedited version, and in the real play I say more, but still. Also, have you seen my old He-Man sword? I'll be damned if I can find that little bastard.
Signed, the ever irascible,
CrtJstr
Dear Crt:
Here's where we editors at the APP shock and amaze our readers beyond all belief…because I'm about to reveal to you that I, and possibly Chris are not only SMART…but quite capable of BEING SERIOUS about things.
First of all, The Tempest is a wild and wacky Shakespeare featuring ONE female character. For this reason alone, I hate it. BUT…in the discussion of Miranda and Ferdinand and why are they in love…I would ask you to consider the book The Collector, by John Fowles. This book can't even be 300 pages, and I guarantee that you could read it inside of two days…and it's largely inspired by The Tempest…although it takes a smart cookie to figure that out. If nothing else, it will give you a brand new outlook on entomology.
My suggestion for your characterization is a little dark. Ferdinand is in love with Miranda PRECISELY because she's never seen any other men before. How can you lose? You could be the biggest bumbling idiot on the planet and she'll think you're God. Think about it. You have the power to release her from the boring and sometimes dangerous hell of this island, if only she'll give you some play. That's quite controlling, and hard to pass up. Ferdinand is a young, strapping fellow who is basically looking to get laid, but I think you'll notice that he's very concerned with whether or not she's a virgin…if I'm thinking of the right play…and that's where his hatred of Caliban comes in. Ferdinand is self serving, full of himself and overly confident in his abilities, regardless of his "mourning" for the un-dead.
Anyway, look to the dark side of Ferdinand, read The Collector…and break a leg.
As for your sword? It's behind that box of old plant holders in the garage.
NO THANKS NEEDED! I'm glad to help.
Jessi
Hello Chris.
I think that money CAN buy happiness, no matter what all the Christians say. Unless you have herpes. Cause it's incurable, you know. But at least you can buy temporary happiness. There's nothing a few dozen roses, a diamond necklace, and a pound of Godiva can't fix. Trust me.
What do you think? Would Jessi agree? Probably.
Jenifer Tipton, Xkisses@aol.com
Dear Jenifer,
I agree with you wholeheartedly - money CAN buy you happiness. For instance, I'm about to use some of my money to buy a slice of pizza, and that will make me happy for a while. Later, I plan on using money to purchase a ticket for a movie. And that will make me happy for a while! (Depending on the movie.) Still later, I might employ my money to buy a magazine at a local reseller of such publications. Reading a magazine, I believe, will make me happy for a while.
My problem with people that say "money can't buy happiness" is the same problem I have with most blanket statements and arguments: ill-defined terms, and not enough qualification. Who ever said that happiness has to be eternal happiness? Isn't it enough that money can buy SOME happiness?
Good grief!
Chris
Dear APP:
Christmas is coming! The goose is getting fat!
Reptila4@hotmail.com
Dear Reptila:
No kidding, man. No kidding. Christmas is my favorite time of year, and while I've never had Goose as part of my Christmas meal…I certainly like to keep track of "average goose weight" spanning the months of September through December, just to make sure the Holidays are arriving on schedule.
Jessi
To APP:
For the pasts weeks, it has been an understanding that the APP mailbag is not simply a place to send email and get mocked, but rather a metaphor for color schemes that rule our lives, the fabric of reality itself, and the machine that drives our horrible experiences into torpor.
But no more.
It was my understanding that Chris was green, Jessi was yellow, and the working class would be white. The class structure, the APP laws of society.
But, alas, the ruling class has become inefficient and contradictory. As of last week, the responses ended with the name of the responder, which we all knew from the color scheme, but...
The name of the responder was in white!!!
I had quite the moral dilemmia. All that I thought I had known about APP, and though APP, modern society, was thrown out the window. We can blame links for this, making them our scapegoat. Links all have to be the same color, so there's no way to make them all green or yellow, hence, you chose white, the "common", and "lowly" color.
You have two choices:
1) Remove the links at the end of the replies, admitting you were wrong, but more importantly, that Zark Xain was right,
or,
2) Admit that the color scheme was obsolete, and leave the links, thus admitting you were wrong, but not having to admit that Zark Xain was right, but simultaneously hailing Armageddon by removing a factor of stability.
ZarkXain@aol.com
Dear Zark,
I reject your options! Look, damn you: I'm working with inferior software here. I put the majority of APP pages together with MS Word, but some of them, like the Dear APP page, have to be put together with MS Publisher. And for some reason MS Publisher demands that you choose one color for hyperlinks, and one color only. I can see the logic in wanting all hyperlinks on a page to be a uniform color... But the good folks at Microsoft obviously didn't count on the binary nature of APP.
Zark, I'm going to have to ask you for a favor here: I'm going to need you to use your mind. When you see a link that says "Chris," AND it comes after one of my replies in green, I'm going to have to ask you to realize that it is an email link to me. Similarly, if you see a link that says "Jessi," and it comes after a bunch of yellow text, then odds are it's HER email link.
The color scheme is not obsolete! Why do you think we chose black? WE'RE SAVING YOU EYESTRAIN AND THE PIXELS ON YOU MONITOR! WE'RE THINKING OF YOU!
I'm about to end this reply. Here comes my link. It will be in white, but rest assured - it's still mine.
Chris
Dear APP:
I just wanted to drop you folks a line to let you know how talented and funny I think you both are. It's rare to see such intelligence and social indignation coupled with a fantastic wit and sense of self-depreciation. Whenever my day gets too long, I click over to the APP to see what's there to make me laugh. Sometimes it gets my brain going, clears writer's block or just helps me to have a better outlook on life.
Praises, APP! I'll be tuning in for years to come!
Sincerely,
Salman Rushdie (email address withheld)
Dear Salman:
Thank you so much for your words of encouragement…personally, I find your work to be pretentious and preachy, nothing worth putting a price on your head, but not my cup of tea, either.
Jessi
I miss music.
For me to consider something 'music', it must contain the following things:
1.) The ability to SING. Screaming the lyrics at the top of one's voice does not count.
2.) The ability to PLAY an INSTRUMENT.
3.) Really TIGHT leather PANTS.
This is the reason I hate rap. That synthesized crud... any idiot with a computer can crank out shit like that.
Whatever happened to the days when a band needed talent to succeed? Did Led Zeppelin need to steal little bits and pieces from old songs to make it? Did Rush need to rely on shock value to get over? Did Steeve Winwood have to synthesize his musi... shit.
Chris D McMillan [mr_dead@juno.com]
Dear Chris,
Don't worry - even though you started to choke on the Steve Winwood example, I see your point. And even though I think there are exceptions to both rule # 1 (I wouldn't call Bob Dylan a great singer.) and rule # 2 (What instrument does Madonna play?), I think you make a good point.
I agree that the synthesizing and the sampling - God, the sampling, enough with the sampling already, people - is getting old. I won't, however, say that any idiot can crank out a rap song. I personally don't care for the genre -- at all -- but I can see that some talented people are rapping these days.
But I WOULD like to have some of the folks that rely on synthesizers and sampling so heavily see how they could do acoustically and with... ahem... original melodies. As an exercise, you understand.
As for your # 3, that's more Jessi's department.
Chris
Dear APP:
What's for lunch?
Tierlieben@aol.com
Tier:
I'm not sure. Foodlife has some great cream based soups, but do I want to have that before I go work out? I'm not sure. I could go for a good Turkey sandwich though, a sub? I'll let you know.
Jessi
Dear Jessi,
You can change the title of this Dear APP if you like. I couldn't really think of anything better. Sorry the column was so late this week, too.
Chris
P.S. I liked Chapter 2 of Ixthia.
© 1999 Absurd Pamphlet Press