And Now, The Weekly Reaming by ZarkXain:

Dear *grrrr, stop it!* AP- *auuugh!!!* P:

Please, *ahhh!* stop *ouch, pain* it with all the *ohh, now this brain hemorage (sp?) is slightly less painful* ALL JESSI MAILBAGS!!!  *ow, real pain, back again.  gahh!*

-Since *buuhh!  damnit!* rly

Zark *gahh!  oh the humanity of it all* Xain

Note:  At this point Zark Xain died from eight consecutive brain hemmorages (sp?).  Don't worry, due to the Zark Xain's omnivivivity, and APP's omni-Jescisity, he'll be back again to rant next week


This is going to be fun for me, just because I like to see people in pain.  The fact is…for the rest of the foreseeable future, this column will be entitled Dear Jessi: as the government has requested that Chris keeps a low profile until after the May 5th Harmonic Convergence of Planets and any ensuing chaos resulting thereafter.  So send along those love questions, mainstream pop media references and rants people…it's all me, all the time.




I just realized how long it's been since I've written and I feel bad and want to apologize, I've been very busy lately with work and school but sometimes I forget to prioritize.

Now here I am, saying hi, and what's up. I want to go outside and play but it's cold and dark and there's no one to play with.


OK, I think I should probably go now but I miss you guys!!


Hey I,

Thanks for dropping us me a line.  You're a sweetie.  It's hard to remember sometimes that work and school should come second in our lives, and first on all of our lists should be trying to become a "regular" in an internet letters column.



Perhaps you received this question before. I was wondering if you are a genius. And if you are a genius, then what is a genius? But if you are not a genius, then what isn't a genius? I looked at this website and I thought to myself this is genius but then I also thought to myself why is it genius? And I simply a could not respond to my own question. I would really appreciate an answer of some resort. Thank you.


Dear MSM:

First MSM, you need to learn to "go with your gut".  If your initial reaction to the APP was "this is genius", then it must simply be genius.  As to whether or not I am a genius, well, the answer has to be, frankly, no.  Because if I was such a genius, would I walk around all day looking for the necklace that I'm already wearing?  Probably not. Also, would a genius grab for the lasagna pan without an oven mitt? No…these are not the actions of a genius.  It's possible that I'm a
savant, although my math skills are very weak, and if a box of toothpicks fell on the floor, I'd simply pick them up rather than count them.  Let's just say that any sort of dregs of genius that might be banging around in my head are devoted solely to answering questions from readers, although I'm more versed in giving opinions and advice than rock solid conclusions on word problems or AP History assignments.


Dear APP,

What are the odds of my winning one of the seven internet lotteries I enter daily?  ...if you give me some good numbers I promise I'll buy you a porsche.


Dear Fishy:

I don't want a Porsche.  Porsches look like sick, horrible frog cars. The headlights are bad bad bad, the hoods, the tail lights.  I hate Porsches.  I have never understood the appeal of a Porsche outside of its sheer expense. It's like girls who date strange ugly men because they own technology companies ::looking meaningfully at Bill Gates::. If you want to buy me a car, buy me a Mercedes Kompressor in silver. That's all I ask.

Your lucky numbers for this week are:  5, 0, 13, 19, 26 and 34

See you at the dealership!


Dear Jessi:

I don't know why he broke up with me…is it my hair?  Am I fat?  My political viewpoints?  My religion?  Why did he leave me?  I loved him so much!




I know you did.  It's hard when bad things happen to good people.  But the boy you loved was toxic, K, he was stealing money from your wallet, he was cheating on you with that redhead, he was experimenting with heroin, he was growing too attached to the song Flat Beat by Mr. Oizo. There were so many things wrong with him, that you couldn't possibly
have seen it coming, and you couldn't possibly have reversed it.  It's for the best Kbrock, for the boy who really loves you is waiting at Friendly's.


Confidential to Titus Welliver of Falcone Fame:

Titus…I…I never knew who you were until I watched Falcone…you have replaced Rammstein on my desktop pattern.  One or two more roles like Sonny Napoli and you're on the list, knocking Jason Behr into oblivion.



Write to APP: - HOME


Previous Mailbags:

Various Propian Notes

The WB Message Board


Hot, Hot Princess E Action

The Way We Felt At 3:21 PM On March 3rd, 2000

Jessi's Outer Child and Former Self

I Dare You To Do Better Than This Column


The Column of Hate

The Calm After The Storm

Now You've Done It

Mission: Make Jessi Cry

The All-Yellow Mailbag

Mailbag for a New Millennium

Notes to the Newfangled Horseless Carriage

Fickle, Thy Name Is Stephanie

Dial M For Selfishness

Back Havery


Miranda, You Little Fool

Flim Flam and Carcazoid Carcass

The Cowardly, Jealous Letters Column

Admire His Car And Put Out

A Column About - What Else - This Column

The Special "October Eighth" Edition

20% Applefeed, 80% Pure Mailbag Goodness

G'morning Lipnicki

Prophets Predicted This Column Would Be Here

Letters We Answered in Green and Yellow

©  2000 Absurd Pamphlet Press