Dial M For Selfishness
12/3/99

Dear APP,
In my Economics class, we're investing in stock.  Between today and yesterday I lost a hypothetical $8.00 in Ninteno and Hasboro stock.  How is this possible?  Am I wrong in my hunch that everyone in the world is insanely obsessed with PokÈmon?  It wouldn't bother me so much, but the person who makes the most hypothetical money off these stocks gets an automatic A for the class.  What do you suggest I invest in?  Oh, and a few words to CortJstr: I read your quote page quite often, so quityerbitchin'.

From

Psykofish

Dear Psykofish:

First of all, investing in NINTENO is always risky, as this is a company that deals in the manufacture and distribution of "gooey hands" that you can get out of some gumball machines.  Investing in NINTENDO, on the other hand, may prove profitable.

Everyone is obsessed with Pokemon.  Unfortunately, when I say "everyone" I mean 6-10 year olds and frazzled live at home moms, who don't ordinarily buy stock.  I don't know the first damn thing about the stock market, but I do know that I wouldn't invest in tech stocks BEFORE Y2K, because I god damn guarantee everyone will frantically sell all their
stocks three days before.  THEN, what you do is this:  on January 3rd, you buy APPLE stock.  APPLE COMPUTER…Y3K compliant, for God's sake.

And now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to cash this payola.

Jessi


Dear APP:

I realize there's a lot of stuff you couldn't mention but I have to say that Bouillon was pretty neat.  I sort of missed the the odd-henchman-who-doesn't-really-play-an-integral-role.  Remember how cool Oddjob and Jaws were?  They need to go back to that.  Bouillon wasn't exactly this sort of character but he was close enough.  I'm going to have to disqualify Xenia from this category because she mattered too much to the plot, and was more of a 2nd in command than an evil go-fer.

Also, I must say, putting Christmas in a white tank w/ no bra while in a flooding submarine:  PURE GENIUS!  I'm sorry, but I'm a 20 year old male, and I just can't help myself.

And last, I'm counting on you people to tell me if Man on the Moon is worth it, I have high hopes for this movie, despite the star, and you need to tell me if I'll be wasting $7.50

[CortJstr@virginia.edu]

Dear, Faithful Cort,

I would LIKE to agree with you that putting Denise in a tank top and then putting her in a flooding submarine was a good idea, but I found the tank top to be somewhat... unrevealing, if you take my meaning. Rule # 1 of cinema is, don't promise us a wet t-shirt contest and then go all PG-13 on us.

Chris


Dear APP:

No Friday update.  I attributed this to the holiday that some of you imperialists seem to enjoy.  For this transgression, you have been forgiven.

Now, no Tuesday update?  Did y'all give up or are you just lazy?  Don't you realize that there are people out here in the physical world that rely on your contancy?  Or maybe you have forgotten that this is a mutual relationship.  We support you, but apparently, you can get away with whatever you want.  Hmmph.  Elitists.

M

Dear APP:

For shame.

In my last missive, I lamented the lack of updates.  But now, I must be forced to cast shame upon you.  You have updated with old material. Your work ethic has truly become a sham.  I am deeply, deeply dismayed.

M


Dear M:

Let me ask you something right now.  And think before you answer.  WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?  I mean, I know we're struggling for support right now, but that doesn't mean that we have to be every reader's bitch.  I assume you have a job, M, even though your spelling of constancy is indicative of a Dungeons and Dragons player.  So, on this job, do you get any vacation days?  Sick days?  TIME OFF FOR THE HOLIDAYS?  YES?  Amazing.

You know, I think I can speak for Chris here, unless he wants to speak for himself, and say…this APP thing is slowly taking over a large percentage of our free time.  (And I don't even do any of the actual UPLOADING).  We both have jobs, in addition to those jobs we have AVOCATIONS which we pursue, in addition to our AVOCATIONS we have SPOUSES, PETS, PARENTS and UMISSABLE TELEVISION.  So, factor APP into that and you're either going to have to (a) Ask God to hold the sun in the sky for 60 more minutes a day or (b) TAKE SOME TIME OFF.  I think B is more feasible.

You'll notice that the letters column is NOT a rerun, and we don't call them reruns here, we call them BEST OFS, or FAVE ARCHIVES.  Reruns are for Friends.

In the meantime, I'll remember to dial M for Selfishness

Jessi

P.S. I'll just add one small comment here. "Work ethic?" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH HAHAAHHAAH AHHAHAHAHAh HAHAHA HAHhaah hohohohoho HOHOHOHohHAHAHAHAHAH!

Chris


Jessi&Chris,

This is just a brief letter to bestow a few compliments and ask annoying questions.  Really.  I'm not here to harrass you or judge you.  Well, I'm not here to judge you, anyway.  First of all, *damn* I love this website.  I mean, really.  Especially the poetry.  It's totally hilarious.  Also, I love your logo...it's way beyond awesome.  (As recommended in Jessi's review of Chris' review of the logo, I sketched it on the front of my black binder, but so far I've only received a few
blank stares.  That's okay, though, because I can feel the instense curiosity building up...one of these days every friggen student in my whole brain-dead school is going to ask about the Absurd Pamphlet Press.  Then they're going ot visit the website.  And not understand a single word of it.)  Still, the main point of that long-winded statement was to say...You guys are awesome.

Now for the prying questions:  what relationship do you guys have?  Have you met in the so-called "Real World?"  Are you friends?  Lovers?  We know that Jessi's married, and I sort of assumed that Chris was either married or dating, but--::gasp::--is it to each other by any chance? What do you two look like?  Can we see pics soon?  Chris, will you marry me?

Blessed be,
princess e

Dear Blessed Princess:

First of all, let me say, I almost had to have a cigarette after that first paragraph.  I'm going to print that out in gold ink and put it over my bed.  Blessed be indeed.

Chris and I are minor prophet executive comedian actor writer lion wranglers.  We live a nomadic life across the Southwest United States, some days making tortillas for the locals, other times we do our flaming juggler act, where the pins aren't on fire…the jugglers are.  Chris is a striking, six foot three track star with golden skin and one crystal eye.  He can bench press 285 pounds, and is a whiz with the Juice Tiger.  I myself am a buxom, yet spunky red head from an Irish immigrant family, specializing in folk tunes and clog dancing.  Have we met in the real world?  What is the real world?  A world of business and buses? Cabbages and Kings?  No, I've met no one in the real world.  Have I met Chris in the beautiful world?  The creative world?  Yes.  We share an RV and split gas expenses.  He pays tolls in Colorado, Utah, Idaho, Montana and Minnesota, and I pay tolls in Illinois, Kansas, New Mexico, Oklahoma and Iowa.  Our spouses constantly write us for money, of which we have none, and the only way they communicate with us is through a bizarre code, encrypted in the color scheme of the website…and to think, you wanted us to change it.

Jessi

P.S. Yes, I will marry you. Well, depending on how big your country is.


Dear Chris,

The Nerf Room is the coolest idea ever.  Im gonna have one of those when I become a millionaire.  I don't know how I will make it to the point where I  can be called a millionaire, but it will happen, trust me.  Anyway, going  along with your bungee idea, I have a great game.  Two people are facing each  other, they are strapped to all of the walls except the one they are facing,  both people are given nerf jousting sticks (like the ones from American  Gladiators).  Then all of the bungee ropes are tightened so the two people  are loosly suspended.  Then the two take the jousting stick and wail on each  other as the room spins in every direction.  Other people can take the all  the nerf particles and throw them at the two people suspended overhead.  I  gotta get the nerf room.

OutKast1DB@aol.com

Dear Outkast,

I like it! Gladiator-style combat! Although the Nerf Room was originally created to promote naught but peace and relaxation throughout the world, your game could be fun, provided it's all in the spirit of good, clean play!

Chris
 

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