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Dial M For Selfishness 12/3/99
Dear
APP, In my Economics class, we're investing in stock. Between
today and yesterday I lost a hypothetical $8.00 in Ninteno and Hasboro
stock. How is this possible? Am I wrong in my hunch that
everyone in the world is insanely obsessed with PokÈmon? It wouldn't
bother me so much, but the person who makes the most hypothetical money
off these stocks gets an automatic A for the class. What do you
suggest I invest in? Oh, and a few words to CortJstr: I read your
quote page quite often, so
quityerbitchin'.
From
Psykofish
Dear
Psykofish:
First of all, investing in NINTENO is always risky, as
this is a company that deals in the manufacture and distribution of "gooey
hands" that you can get out of some gumball machines. Investing in
NINTENDO, on the other hand, may prove profitable.
Everyone is
obsessed with Pokemon. Unfortunately, when I say "everyone" I mean
6-10 year olds and frazzled live at home moms, who don't ordinarily buy
stock. I don't know the first damn thing about the stock market, but
I do know that I wouldn't invest in tech stocks BEFORE Y2K, because I god
damn guarantee everyone will frantically sell all their stocks three
days before. THEN, what you do is this: on January 3rd, you
buy APPLE stock. APPLE COMPUTER…Y3K compliant, for God's
sake.
And now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to cash this
payola.
Jessi
Dear
APP:
I realize there's a lot of stuff you couldn't mention but I
have to say that Bouillon was pretty neat. I sort of missed the the
odd-henchman-who-doesn't-really-play-an-integral-role. Remember how
cool Oddjob and Jaws were? They need to go back to that.
Bouillon wasn't exactly this sort of character but he was close
enough. I'm going to have to disqualify Xenia from this category
because she mattered too much to the plot, and was more of a 2nd in
command than an evil go-fer.
Also, I must say, putting Christmas in
a white tank w/ no bra while in a flooding submarine: PURE
GENIUS! I'm sorry, but I'm a 20 year old male, and I just can't help
myself.
And last, I'm counting on you people to tell me if Man on
the Moon is worth it, I have high hopes for this movie, despite the star,
and you need to tell me if I'll be wasting
$7.50
[CortJstr@virginia.edu]
Dear, Faithful Cort,
I would LIKE to agree with you that putting Denise in a tank top
and then putting her in a flooding submarine was a good idea, but I found
the tank top to be somewhat... unrevealing, if you take my meaning. Rule #
1 of cinema is, don't promise us a wet t-shirt contest and then go all
PG-13 on us.
Chris
Dear
APP:
No Friday update. I attributed this to the holiday that
some of you imperialists seem to enjoy. For this transgression, you
have been forgiven.
Now, no Tuesday update? Did y'all give up
or are you just lazy? Don't you realize that there are people out
here in the physical world that rely on your contancy? Or maybe you
have forgotten that this is a mutual relationship. We support you,
but apparently, you can get away with whatever you want.
Hmmph. Elitists.
M
Dear APP:
For
shame.
In my last missive, I lamented the lack of updates.
But now, I must be forced to cast shame upon you. You have updated
with old material. Your work ethic has truly become a sham. I am
deeply, deeply dismayed.
M
Dear M:
Let me ask
you something right now. And think before you answer. WHO THE
HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? I mean, I know we're struggling for
support right now, but that doesn't mean that we have to be every reader's
bitch. I assume you have a job, M, even though your spelling of
constancy is indicative of a Dungeons and Dragons player. So, on
this job, do you get any vacation days? Sick days? TIME OFF
FOR THE HOLIDAYS? YES? Amazing.
You know, I think I can
speak for Chris here, unless he wants to speak for himself, and say…this
APP thing is slowly taking over a large percentage of our free time.
(And I don't even do any of the actual UPLOADING). We both have
jobs, in addition to those jobs we have AVOCATIONS which we pursue, in
addition to our AVOCATIONS we have SPOUSES, PETS, PARENTS and UMISSABLE
TELEVISION. So, factor APP into that and you're either going to have
to (a) Ask God to hold the sun in the sky for 60 more minutes a day or (b)
TAKE SOME TIME OFF. I think B is more feasible.
You'll notice
that the letters column is NOT a rerun, and we don't call them reruns
here, we call them BEST OFS, or FAVE ARCHIVES. Reruns are for
Friends.
In the meantime, I'll remember to dial M for
Selfishness
Jessi
P.S. I'll
just add one small comment here. "Work ethic?" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH HAHAAHHAAH
AHHAHAHAHAh HAHAHA HAHhaah hohohohoho
HOHOHOHohHAHAHAHAHAH!
Chris
Jessi&Chris,
This is just a brief letter to bestow a
few compliments and ask annoying questions. Really. I'm not
here to harrass you or judge you. Well, I'm not here to judge you,
anyway. First of all, *damn* I love this website. I mean,
really. Especially the poetry. It's totally hilarious.
Also, I love your logo...it's way beyond awesome. (As recommended in
Jessi's review of Chris' review of the logo, I sketched it on the front of
my black binder, but so far I've only received a few blank
stares. That's okay, though, because I can feel the instense
curiosity building up...one of these days every friggen student in my
whole brain-dead school is going to ask about the Absurd Pamphlet
Press. Then they're going ot visit the website. And not
understand a single word of it.) Still, the main point of that
long-winded statement was to say...You guys are awesome.
Now for
the prying questions: what relationship do you guys have? Have
you met in the so-called "Real World?" Are you friends?
Lovers? We know that Jessi's married, and I sort of assumed that
Chris was either married or dating, but--::gasp::--is it to each other by
any chance? What do you two look like? Can we see pics soon?
Chris, will you marry me?
Blessed be, princess
e
Dear Blessed
Princess:
First of all, let me say, I almost had to have a
cigarette after that first paragraph. I'm going to print that out in
gold ink and put it over my bed. Blessed be indeed.
Chris and
I are minor prophet executive comedian actor writer lion wranglers.
We live a nomadic life across the Southwest United States, some days
making tortillas for the locals, other times we do our flaming juggler
act, where the pins aren't on fire…the jugglers are. Chris is a
striking, six foot three track star with golden skin and one crystal
eye. He can bench press 285 pounds, and is a whiz with the Juice
Tiger. I myself am a buxom, yet spunky red head from an Irish
immigrant family, specializing in folk tunes and clog dancing. Have
we met in the real world? What is the real world? A world of
business and buses? Cabbages and Kings? No, I've met no one in the
real world. Have I met Chris in the beautiful world? The
creative world? Yes. We share an RV and split gas
expenses. He pays tolls in Colorado, Utah, Idaho, Montana and
Minnesota, and I pay tolls in Illinois, Kansas, New Mexico, Oklahoma and
Iowa. Our spouses constantly write us for money, of which we have
none, and the only way they communicate with us is through a bizarre code,
encrypted in the color scheme of the website…and to think, you wanted us
to change it.
Jessi
P.S. Yes, I
will marry you. Well, depending on how big your country
is.
Dear Chris,
The
Nerf Room is the coolest idea ever. Im gonna have one of those when
I become a millionaire. I don't know how I will make it to the point
where I can be called a millionaire, but it will happen, trust
me. Anyway, going along with your bungee idea, I have a great
game. Two people are facing each other, they are strapped to
all of the walls except the one they are facing, both people are
given nerf jousting sticks (like the ones from American
Gladiators). Then all of the bungee ropes are tightened so the two
people are loosly suspended. Then the two take the jousting
stick and wail on each other as the room spins in every
direction. Other people can take the all the nerf particles
and throw them at the two people suspended overhead. I gotta
get the nerf room.
OutKast1DB@aol.com
Dear
Outkast,
I like it! Gladiator-style combat! Although the Nerf Room
was originally created to promote naught but peace and relaxation
throughout the world, your game could be fun, provided it's all in the
spirit of good, clean play!
Chris
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