Dear APP 13: Fickle, Thy Name Is Stephanie

Fickle, Thy Name Is Stephanie
12/10/99

Dear Jessi,

Please inform your readers (all 5 of them, not including Cort and Psyko) that I am not the mysterious "M" slug who wrote to you bitching about the lack of updates. I don't know what this moron's problem is, but some people have actual "IRL" lives - yes, away from the computer - and don't have the time to sit around swilling Yuban and eating 4 day old Dunkin Munchkins for days on end working on a stupid little website that will never really amount to anything - unlike some other people, such as the industrious, if not illustrious, Matt Drudge.

Hmm ... "M" ... Matt ...

Nah. Couldn't be.

Love ya,
Carcazoid
TOANOAPP
KSOCM

Carcazoid:

And lo, I looked up and the moon was as blood, and the rivers and seas did boil…flooding the shores with the carcasses of dead perch. The dead emerged from their graves, but couldn't really go anywhere, because their bodies had rotted away. A great quake shook the earth, but still could NOT dislodge Los Angeles. From the skies fell brimstone and fire, and a three headed fish beast appeared before me, his tongues made of uncooked sausage, his tail made of lemurs. He turned his glowing eyes to me and said, "the time has drawn near…and this was the sign: Carcazoid sent you a letter in your defense".

Love,

Jessi

Dear Carcassoid:

How rude. You're banned from APP - THREE WEEKS.

Chris

Dear Mailbag:

I grow weary of being called a Piehole. If you're going to call me something to emphasize your slight disdain, at least come up with something better than "Piehole."

Oh, and Chris, want some logarithm problems? We're doing that now in math.

Logarythmic,

Dan (DELAVINE@aol.com)

Dear Dan,

Ah, Dan - you play upon my weakness. You know that my one goal is to be of some help to the APP reader. Yes. Send on the logarithm problems. Besides, isn't there a function on the calculator that I can use to solve those in short order? Send away! I'm standing by!

Chris

P.S. And I hope you note - I have never refered to anyone as a piehole. Within these pages, anyway.

Dear Jessi:

Does everybody like the BNL song Call and Answer but me? Not that I dislike the band, I have all the cd's and the Shoebox EP, I even saw them in concert at Merriweather Post and am going again this month to the MCI Center but I'm just not a fan of that song. Am I just a freak? (Well, I know I'm a freak, but I mean in this particular case.)

Cort

Dear Cort:

You're on to us, aren't you? How narrowly did you escape pages and pages of ridicule by adding that one parenthetical phrase at the end. I wonder if that was an afterthought, or a carefully planned out defense mechanism. Oh, and in direct answer to your question…yes, everyone likes Call and Answer but you.

Love,

Jessi

Dear APP:

OK. This is to the one who thought E.T. should be kicked in the head. When I was a kid my family owned this creature that was covered with hair, smelled atrociously bad, shit EVERYWHERE, bit people, aggrivated my allergies, and was generally a pain in the ass. But my stupid family loved Midge, a cross between a Cocker Spaniel and and a homeless man. So E.T.'s and all dogs across America should be kicked in the head. Anything ugly, stupid and smelly should be kicked in the head.

To the one who defended E.T. in the green writing, you just wrote that because you were molested by your family dog, or your mother dressed you up like Drew Barrymore. Penis breath!

Elliot (Fadgewart@aol.com)

Dear El-Li-Ot,

Good LORD. Don't you know that every time someone says they'd kick E.T. to death, an extraterrestrial loses his wings?

You heartless bastard. I just hope that if aliens ever DO end up being evil, as Jessi suggests, that you are intercepted by one of their first death rays.

Chris

Jessi,

It's ok, that you were busy and didn't get time…I must say, wow, a 12??? It should be noted I have green eyes, and according to your scale, that puts me up to a 19 (please GOD let that be out of a 10)…Maybe she'll even think im funny and I could star on her show - Lord knows it could use some help. But that is all a stretch. With all this said, I must know go and continue my quest.

Prope

p.s. In your first response to my original letter, you mentioned the girl from Roswell, Shiri Appleby. Let me tell you, I checked her out, and yes, she is rather attractive. That might be another possible candidate if JLH does not work out.

Prope:

I had to edit down your letter, lest this letters column become the daily journal of Jessi and Prope and their quest to fully understand one another. As per my scale for judging men, I'm not sure what it's based on. Is it 1 to 10? 1 to 100? I don't know. I just like to assign people arbitrary points…but be assured that green eyes will always be worth seven points. Growl.

Now, I'm a little offput in seeing that your true quest here is to be cast on Time Of Your Life, not to fall in love with JLH. You've deceived me into being your agent…and I don't like it. I'm struggling enough trying to get MYSELF cast in something, and trying to get my book published, I don't need to be sending your resume around.

Shiri Appleby, by the way, is on a much higher rated show, which has been recently signed for another season, and if you could get on that show, you could maybe play an alien. That's all I can say about that.

Jessi

Dear Chris,

The holidays are approaching and I need a good religion to follow. Can you suggest one that's OK.

Thanks!

p.s. Morrison Lives!!!!

Atlaswhiplash@aol.com

Dear Atlas,

I suggest you try being Amish - you'll save a lot of money on clothes, and think of the quilting you'll get done. And everyone loves to get a nice warm quilt for Christmas.

Alternately, since Morrison lives, maybe you ought to try worshipping him!

Chris

Dear APP Mailbag Thingamajigger:

In what you and I both hope will be the last time I have to mention the Olde MailleBagge, I ask you this: Do you still love me like you used to? I was always loyal and faithful to you, and I helped shield you from angry "fans," and wore black for a year after the Mailbag was gone. I promise I will be as loyal and enthusiastic with this new Mailbag, too, but I want to know that you'll still be there for me.

Your Ever-Faithful Servant,

Stephanie
IamAtnegam@aol.com

PS For the person who asked why Mailbag and Owen both got the ax, I'm pretty sure Owen left of his own free will, to pursue other interests. He had a talk with his most loyal fans, and explained everything. While I was indescribably sad to see him go, it's probably for the best. And at least we got our Mailbag back. :)

Dear Stephanie,

Oh, sure. You SAY you'll be loyal and enthusiastic, but WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN for these last struggling weeks. Harumph. We've written, and we've written, and NARY A WORD from Iamatnegam.

Chris

Dear APP: - HOME