G'morning Lipnicki
Dear APP:
What would the person who bid $6 million on a kidney do with it?
Petey1@aol.com
Dear Pete,
Apart from using it to filter impurities out of a bloodstream, shunting them
into a urinary tract for later voiding, I would think it would make a
decent-sized paper weight - at least until it began to rot. Other than that, it
could also be a nice, chewy good-boy treat for a rich man's Rottweiler.
Dear APP:
Don't you have anything better to do?
Bigmama8@yahoo.com
Dear Big Mama,
Well, the simple answer here is, yes, I could be updating the database,
cleaning out my fridge or forwarding my career with some sort of
proactive/networking behavior, which would be totally out of character for me.
But my real answer for you is, no. I don't have anything better to do, because
for me, exercising my mind, informing the readers and honing my grammar and
vocab skills IS the best thing for me to be doing at this point in my life.
Dear APP:
What fonts do I need to fully enjoy Absurd Pamphlet Press?
jcm@machelpline.com
Dear JCM,
We here at APP realize that not everyone has the same fonts loaded on their
computer, and so we have opted for the elegant simplicity of Arial. We think it
is a safe bet that no matter how empty your font folder, Arial probably exists
there. We believe that it, being devoid of any evil serifs, is as close to the
One True Font spoken of in the scriptures as we can hope to come.
In the event that you do NOT have this wonderful, simple font, and you are
viewing these words in a horrible Times New Roman, or worse, Courier, then I
can only say that you are missing out on a truly asthetic experience.
Dear APP:
Is it wise for my company to invest in Technology Real Estate this late in the
economic cycle?
bartone@dollarsense.com
Dear Bart 1,
If I had a nickel…Anyway, I would say, yes. Yes, it is a sound investment to
participate in either a joint venture or a co-investment program as far as
Technology Real Estate goes. In a recent report from the Department of
Commerce, we learn that really, The U.S. economy benefits significantly by the
rapid growth in the export of IT products, which grew 11.9% between 1993 and
1998, versus 7.6% for all other types of goods. AND U.S. firms continue to
dominate the high end segments of the information technology marketplace. So,
with the technology marketplace growing each year, we need places to put these technology
companies, and that results in a demand for real estate in the West Coast
office markets. Simple.
Dear APP:
what is the point of this stupid sight anyway??
bilbadass@aol.com
Dear Mr. Bad Ass,
It exists for us to channel what thoughts and ideas we have left over after the
hustle-bustle of the workday into, and for you to channel your pointless
blatherings onto.
Dear APP:
My wife wants to cut her hair really short and dye it really blonde. I'm afraid
she's not going to be as attractive to me anymore, what do you think?
eightball@hotmail.com
Dear Eight Ball,
It's funny you should ask, because I just got my hair cut really short and dyed
it really blonde, and everyone on the planet thinks that it's a great style -
except my husband, who says that I look like the little boy in Jerry Maguire,
and in fact wakes me each day by saying, "G'morning Lipnicki". So, my
advice would be this. If your wife feels sexier and more confident with her
hair short, and she still expresses an interest in living and sleeping with
YOU, then you should grant her her hair freedom, because, after all, it IS her
head.
Dear APP Mailbag,
I can tell Im going to hate your site and this mailbag, so let me apologize in
advance for all the insults I'll be sending youre way
gregbrady@juno.com
Dear Greg,
We accept your preemptive apology in the spirit it was given! And let me offer
a few biting responses to you, in advance of these insults: 1) You're just mad
because you didn't get Greg's attic room. 2) You misspelled the word (insert
any word here), jerk. 3) Don't you have anything better to do than annoy us?
Dear APP:
What did you think of the book STORY OF O?
Wow, you guys are
psychic. As it happens, I JUST finished reading Story of O, and I have to
say…yowza. I mean, I am A WOMAN OF STRANGE PROCLIVITIES, but this book takes it
to the extreme. My main problem with S&M literature though, is the tendency
towards…the gothic. I mean, a lot of flowery language and odd, odd costumes, I
mean, aside from the shackles. I think that if my husband were to take me to a
chateau where I was to be trained in the ways of sex slavery, I'd be
intrigued…until a guy came in wearing a floor length purple robe, and made me
wear a scullery maid costume. Then I'd start laughing. I think that in today's
world, when people wear capes and start saying "shall" in everyday
conversation, you immediately have to suspect that they're involved in some
sort of Anachronistic Society or they play D&D, and that's not the kind of
person I want flogging me.
Oh, the book was good.
Dear APP:
Is this the same Mailbag as the Hecklers Mailbag? And what's the deal with
there being two colors in the Mailbag here? Are there two of you?
Verily I say unto you: As the
Hecklers Mailbag, I died. And lo, it was a fiery death. Then, some time did
pass. Many things happened. By and by, I rose, phoenix-like, from the ashes,
became two, and am now manifested here in the APP mailbag. This website is not
affiliated with Hecklers Online.
As you will send your mail to APP, via this link, so will it be answered, by either one of
us or the other. Chris is in green, and Jess is in yellow.
You can also reach us individually at chris@abpam.com
or jessi@abpam.com.
Dear APP:
Is there anything that I, the reader can do for you?
How sweet? Isn't that
sweet? But honestly, we've got it pretty much under control here ::she looks
around at the papers and old coffee, searching for a pen::..nope, I don't think
there's anything…OH WAIT..YES. You CAN do something for me.
Folks, I'm plagued. Some five years ago, I went to Denver, and during my week
there, told the…THE…funniest talking dog joke on the planet. I nearly wet my
pants every time I relayed it to someone, and then…this joke, this fabulous
joke, packed up its bags and vacated my mind as quickly and quietly as it had
arrived. So I ask you, the reader, to send me ALL OF YOUR FINEST TALKING DOG
JOKES. PLEASE NOTE, BITTE, that I did NOT ask for every joke in the world, nor
did I ask to be put on your evil JOKE OF THE DAY lists. If you do that to me, I
will close the mailbox and begin a statewide search for your ass. JUST TALKING
DOG JOKES. Send them to me at APPFEED@aol.com and when I've found it, I
will post it here and crown the lucky READER OF THE DAY.
Thank you.