Admire His Car And Put Out
10/22/99
Dear APP:
I recently read an article on the APP, about a particularly fine 17 year old
man-of-my-dreams that she affectionately called Matt. I being an overly horny
and very single 16 year old girl, would just like to know a
little bit more about Matt. You know, boxers or briefs, how I can get in touch
with him...
that sorta thing. Thank you,
Snowbel285
Dear Snowbel:
Snowbel. Sweet, innocent Snowbel. If you think that for ONE SECOND,
I'm going to deliver this prime piece of Aryan real estate into your hands for
your horny needs, you've got another thing coming. This boy is mine…all
mine. And in fact, my sister in law (who is seventeen) saw him at the
homecoming game last weekend and….HE SAID: "TELL JESSICA I SAID
HI". That's what he said kids…that's what he said.
Girls, if you want to be successful in snaring a young Matt like the one I
have, I have two words of advice…admire his car and put out.
Sincerely,
Jessi
Dear
Mailbag,
I have a confession to make. I never realized I had a problem until I
started reading your Shiny Rocks article and realized that I own something from
that list. The saddest part is that my obsession is not something as
cheap and innocent as shiny rocks, no, I find myself shelling out $50 a pop for
pewter fantasy figures. I must have 30 of the little magic using, dragons
slaying, ramparted bastards and I just can't stop. What can I do?
Kyle McCowin (CortJstr@virginia.edu)
Dear Constant Kyle,
Unfortunately, as any recovering alcoholic will tell you, you can't cure the
addiction - you can only replace it with another, hopefully more healthy
addiction. Something like exercising or crossword. But in your case, I'm afraid
you've... gone to deep. I suggest you dig your way out of this pewter hell by
slowly building up to buying more useful objects with your money. Work you way
from fantasy figurines to Hummel plates, then to Star Trek mugs, then from
there, to actual needed cuppery for the kitchen.
If that doesn't work, you might hint to your friends that you need an Ebay
intervention - that is, have someone sell the lot on Ebay and put the money in
a CD for you.
Dear Jessi:
I must offer my most sincere and humble apology. Upon re-reading what I
had written in the most recent mailbag, I do thoroughly find it unfair of me to
write that you must be another of Chris' lame ideas. It's obvious, if one
peruses the rest of the site, to discover that you're a woman with a taste for
young Catholic school males.
Once again, my most profound apologies for insulting and questioning your very
existence. Now, a question for you: can you please, in two pages or
less, define a set of utilitarian guidelines for when abortion aids the overall
utility, and when it does not?
RS60
Dear RedShoes:
All joking aside, I have to admit that the letter you wrote last week actually
hurt my feelings until Chris slapped me back into reality, screeching,
"LOOK AT WHO WE'RE DEALING WITH HERE." Still, it's nice to receive
an apology. There aren't too many people in the world who admit that they
were being unfair. A lot of people would just spit on you and say,
"suck it up, Harriet, life's rough." But no, you were man
enough
to admit that you were mean. Thank you…apology accepted.
As for your second question, the answer is no, I will not do your homework.
As for your post script, which you requested that I NOT mention in the mailbag,
I must reply, YES. I feel inexplicably attracted to YOU as well.
Meet me at the library on Thursday. I'll be holding a paperback copy of
The Marketplace by Sara Adamson and wearing a black jacket.
Lustily,
Jessi
Hey APP,
Why do you think America tossed away the theory of isolationism in the mid to
late part of the 20th century? Do you think the Soviet Union and the Cold
War have anything to do with it? Do you think it is because we being the
"almighty-nation" feel it would be better to be big brother to
smaller countries? Or do you think this is just some stupid question to
get on your website?
Prope6310@aol.com
Dear Prope,
The universe is shrinking. How do I know this? In olden times it used to take
weeks in a covered wagon to travel from coast to coast. And you couldn't
be certain that you wouldn't be killed by Native Americans on the way. Now, it
takes only a few hours, and the most you're liable to come up against is poor
airline service. Therefore, since time and distance are one, and it takes less
time to travel from A to B, the universe and our world are shrinking.
And that is why we had to give up Washington's idea of
"Isolationism." It's... it simply wasn't an idea that had any
endurance to it, George. Not like the whole "pursuit of happiness"
thing did. Sure, it might have had it's place in your time, but we're not JAPAN.
We're not a tiny island nation somewhere in the Pacific, we're a huge landmass
with a huge population that grows every minute. Isolation is impossible on
Planet Earth right now, Prope - we won't be able to adopt that standard
again until we've moved into outer space!
Hey-
Your color scheme hurts my eyes.
-Zark Xain
Dear Chris:
Finally, our plans to destroy him are coming to fruition. Soon we will
reveal ourselves as his master. Keep vigilant, for Zark Xain cannot stand
tall forever.
In Secrecy,
Jessi
Heeeeeey,
Mailbag,
I decided to try to email you every time you come out with another
column. Here's my first question:
Suppose there's a prophet and he's a shut-in. Or something. He
can't leave the house and he doesn't have a phone. But he does have a
computer. With AOL. And he goes into the chat rooms and knows what
everyone's going to type before they type it. But he's a pretty bad
stenographer, and they always end up typing what they're going to type before
he can tell them what they're going to type, so no one ever believes he's a
prophet. How much would it suck to be that prophet?
Here's another: Why did my stepfather tell me that it was very MILD lemon
frosting on this cake when it's actually STRONG lemon frosting?
And the last one: How do I factor the statement: x^4 - 2x^3 + 2x - 1?
Merci and au revoir,
DELAVINE@aol.com (Dan)
Dear Dan,
Firstly, it would suck a LOT to be that prophet. The archetype you've
described, which I like to refer to as Dan's Slow-Typing Prophet, speaks deeply
of the human experience. The hell of having a brilliant talent overshadowed by
a minor shortcoming... I think we can all relate to this. I think we ALL have a
little of Dan's Slow-Typing Prophet in us.
Secondly, and I hate to be the one to have to tell you this, but your
stepfather is trying to kill you. You should leave home as soon as possible,
and leave that man to his lemons.
Thirdly, DAMN YOU. I have most of two sheets of paper covered with equations
where I tried to factor that! I even got on the Internet and tried to bone up
on Calculus and Trig and Algebra. This was when I remembered the sad truth that
for all of math's proud accomplishments, factoring polynomials is still a trial
and error procedure. For GOD'S SAKE!
P.S.
"Factoring Polynomials" would make a great band name, by the way.
Dear APP,
Who in the mailbag wants a fight me then? Come on! You letter-writing chicken
shits, go on. Write your letters, pretend to ignore me. Cowards, that's what
you are. Typing your letters and ignoring a direct challenge. The gauntlet is
flung, the challenge is issued. I'll take on the whole stinking mailbag, you
yellowbellies!
you wimp-ass cowards,
Alpha Male
Alpha,
You'll take on the WHOLE stinking mailbag? The whole thing? All TWO of
us? Wow, you're a tough one there, Marlon.
Sure, I'll fight you, but I'm going to make sure that I dress up real cutesy
and girl-like so when you beat the shit out of a girl you get to stand up and
have everyone boo you. And then I get to call the police and you get to
go to jail for assault and battery and possibly attempted murder, if I pull off
a good enough acting job. And even if you cry and whine that I SAID I
would fight you, I'll simply deny your story and it's your word against mine,
and if I've learned one thing in this world, it's that if you tell the truth
ALL the time, people even believe you when you lie. Remember that.
So even if I lose…I win.
Who's the wimp ass coward now? BITCH.
Jessi
Mailbag-
You weren't *really* Metaworm, were you? Oh my God...this explains so
much, while simultaneously disturbing me beyond belief.
::grimaces:: ::shudders a few times for good measure:: So, like,
who can I trust now?!
Can I trust this alleged "jessi" or is she yet another of your
alterego-minions? Well, whatever, she's cooler than Metaworm, at any
rate.
Pwr2Nerds@aol.com
Dear Power Nerd,
The truth is sometimes like that - it ties together all the many loose ends,
yet it shatters us in the process. YES! Metaworm and I were ONE! And you can trust
me - only me. Don't trust Jessi, whatever you do. You may THINK she's cooler
than Metaworm - but she'll cut you - CUT YOU - when you're not looking.
Dear APP:
I know you know what happened to HO Myrrh and The Random Game. You need not
play stupid anymore. UNGAG MYRRH AND LET HER OUT OF YOUR CLOSET OR THERE
WILL BE RIOTS. AND MAYHEM. AND PIE. OH, THE PIE. Thank you
for your time.
*Fishy
PsykoFish@aol.com
Dear Psyko,
I have a confession to make - I WAS HO Myrrh.
Just kidding.
© 1999 Absurd Pamphlet Press