Admire His Car And Put Out

10/22/99

Dear APP:

I recently read an article on the APP, about a particularly fine 17 year old man-of-my-dreams that she affectionately called Matt. I being an overly horny and very single 16 year old girl, would just like to know a
little bit more about Matt. You know, boxers or briefs, how I can get in touch with him...
that sorta thing. Thank you,

Snowbel285

Dear Snowbel:

Snowbel.  Sweet, innocent Snowbel.  If you think that for ONE SECOND, I'm going to deliver this prime piece of Aryan real estate into your hands for your horny needs, you've got another thing coming.  This boy is mine…all mine.  And in fact, my sister in law (who is seventeen) saw him at the homecoming game last weekend and….HE SAID: "TELL JESSICA I SAID HI".  That's what he said kids…that's what he said.

Girls, if you want to be successful in snaring a young Matt like the one I have, I have two words of advice…admire his car and put out.

Sincerely,

Jessi

Dear Mailbag,

I have a confession to make.  I never realized I had a problem until I started reading your Shiny Rocks article and realized that I own something from that list.  The saddest part is that my obsession is not something as cheap and innocent as shiny rocks, no, I find myself shelling out $50 a pop for pewter fantasy figures.  I must have 30 of the little magic using, dragons slaying, ramparted bastards and I just can't stop.  What can I do?

Kyle McCowin (CortJstr@virginia.edu)

Dear Constant Kyle,

Unfortunately, as any recovering alcoholic will tell you, you can't cure the addiction - you can only replace it with another, hopefully more healthy addiction. Something like exercising or crossword. But in your case, I'm afraid you've... gone to deep. I suggest you dig your way out of this pewter hell by slowly building up to buying more useful objects with your money. Work you way from fantasy figurines to Hummel plates, then to Star Trek mugs, then from there, to actual needed cuppery for the kitchen.

If that doesn't work, you might hint to your friends that you need an Ebay intervention - that is, have someone sell the lot on Ebay and put the money in a CD for you.

Dear Jessi:

I must offer my most sincere and humble apology.  Upon re-reading what I had written in the most recent mailbag, I do thoroughly find it unfair of me to write that you must be another of Chris' lame ideas.  It's obvious, if one peruses the rest of the site, to discover that you're a woman with a taste for young Catholic school males.

Once again, my most profound apologies for insulting and questioning your very existence.  Now, a question for you:  can you please, in two pages or less, define a set of utilitarian guidelines for when abortion aids the overall utility, and when it does not?

RS60

Dear RedShoes:

All joking aside, I have to admit that the letter you wrote last week actually hurt my feelings until Chris slapped me back into reality, screeching, "LOOK AT WHO WE'RE DEALING WITH HERE."  Still, it's nice to receive an apology.  There aren't too many people in the world who admit that they were being unfair.  A lot of people would just spit on you and say, "suck it up, Harriet, life's rough."  But no, you were man enough
to admit that you were mean.  Thank you…apology accepted.

As for your second question, the answer is no, I will not do your homework.

As for your post script, which you requested that I NOT mention in the mailbag, I must reply, YES.  I feel inexplicably attracted to YOU as well.  Meet me at the library on Thursday.  I'll be holding a paperback copy of The Marketplace by Sara Adamson and wearing a black jacket.

Lustily,

Jessi

Hey APP,

Why do you think America tossed away the theory of isolationism in the mid to late part of the 20th century?  Do you think the Soviet Union and the Cold War have anything to do with it?  Do you think it is because we being the
"almighty-nation" feel it would be better to be big brother to smaller countries?  Or do you think this is just some stupid question to get on your website?

Prope6310@aol.com

Dear Prope,

The universe is shrinking. How do I know this? In olden times it used to take weeks in a  covered wagon to travel from coast to coast. And you couldn't be certain that you wouldn't be killed by Native Americans on the way. Now, it takes only a few hours, and the most you're liable to come up against is poor airline service. Therefore, since time and distance are one, and it takes less time to travel from A to B, the universe and our world are shrinking.

And that is why we had to give up Washington's idea of "Isolationism." It's... it simply wasn't an idea that had any endurance to it, George. Not like the whole "pursuit of happiness" thing did. Sure, it might have had it's place in your time, but we're not JAPAN. We're not a tiny island nation somewhere in the Pacific, we're a huge landmass with a huge population that grows every minute. Isolation is impossible on Planet Earth right now, Prope -  we won't be able to adopt that standard again until we've moved into outer space!   

Hey-

Your color scheme hurts my eyes.

-Zark Xain

Dear Chris:

Finally, our plans to destroy him are coming to fruition.  Soon we will reveal ourselves as his master.  Keep vigilant, for Zark Xain cannot stand tall forever.

In Secrecy,

Jessi

Heeeeeey, Mailbag,

I decided to try to email you every time you come out with another column.  Here's my first question:

Suppose there's a prophet and he's a shut-in.  Or something.  He can't leave the house and he doesn't have a phone.  But he does have a computer.  With AOL.  And he goes into the chat rooms and knows what everyone's going to type before they type it.  But he's a pretty bad stenographer, and they always end up typing what they're going to type before he can tell them what they're going to type, so no one ever believes he's a prophet.  How much would it suck to be that prophet?

Here's another:  Why did my stepfather tell me that it was very MILD lemon frosting on this cake when it's actually STRONG lemon frosting?

And the last one:  How do I factor the statement: x^4 - 2x^3 + 2x - 1?

Merci and au revoir,

DELAVINE@aol.com (Dan)

Dear Dan,

Firstly, it would suck a LOT to be that prophet. The archetype you've described, which I like to refer to as Dan's Slow-Typing Prophet, speaks deeply of the human experience. The hell of having a brilliant talent overshadowed by a minor shortcoming... I think we can all relate to this. I think we ALL have a little of Dan's Slow-Typing Prophet in us.

Secondly, and I hate to be the one to have to tell you this, but your stepfather is trying to kill you. You should leave home as soon as possible, and leave that man to his lemons.

Thirdly, DAMN YOU. I have most of two sheets of paper covered with equations where I tried to factor that! I even got on the Internet and tried to bone up on Calculus and Trig and Algebra. This was when I remembered the sad truth that for all of math's proud accomplishments, factoring polynomials is still a trial and error procedure. For GOD'S SAKE!

P.S. "Factoring Polynomials" would make a great band name, by the way.

Dear APP,

Who in the mailbag wants a fight me then? Come on! You letter-writing chicken shits, go on. Write your letters, pretend to ignore me. Cowards, that's what you are. Typing your letters and ignoring a direct challenge. The gauntlet is flung, the challenge is issued. I'll take on the whole stinking mailbag, you yellowbellies!

you wimp-ass cowards,

Alpha Male

Alpha,

You'll take on the WHOLE stinking mailbag?  The whole thing? All TWO of us?  Wow, you're a tough one there, Marlon.

Sure, I'll fight you, but I'm going to make sure that I dress up real cutesy and girl-like so when you beat the shit out of a girl you get to stand up and have everyone boo you.  And then I get to call the police and you get to go to jail for assault and battery and possibly attempted murder, if I pull off a good enough acting job.  And even if you cry and whine that I SAID I would fight you, I'll simply deny your story and it's your word against mine, and if I've learned one thing in this world, it's that if you tell the truth ALL the time, people even believe you when you lie.  Remember that.

So even if I lose…I win.

Who's the wimp ass coward now?  BITCH.

Jessi

Mailbag-

You weren't *really* Metaworm, were you?  Oh my God...this explains so much, while simultaneously disturbing me beyond belief.  ::grimaces::  ::shudders a few times for good measure::  So, like, who can I trust now?! 
Can I trust this alleged "jessi" or is she yet another of your alterego-minions?  Well, whatever, she's cooler than Metaworm, at any rate.

Pwr2Nerds@aol.com

Dear Power Nerd,

The truth is sometimes like that - it ties together all the many loose ends, yet it shatters us in the process. YES! Metaworm and I were ONE! And you can trust me - only me. Don't trust Jessi, whatever you do. You may THINK she's cooler than Metaworm - but she'll cut you - CUT YOU - when you're not looking.

Dear APP:

I know you know what happened to HO Myrrh and The Random Game. You need not play stupid anymore.  UNGAG MYRRH AND LET HER OUT OF YOUR CLOSET OR THERE WILL BE RIOTS.  AND MAYHEM.  AND PIE.  OH, THE PIE. Thank you for your time.

*Fishy

PsykoFish@aol.com

Dear Psyko,

I have a confession to make - I WAS HO Myrrh.

Just kidding.

 

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