The Cowardly, Jealous Letters Column
10/29/99
Dear Abfolks:
I've noticed something
in the last mailbag, and I'm curious to see if either of you two did as
well: Chris sure seems ready and
willing to do someone else's homework.
Jessi denied me that homework, which I really could have at least used
at START on, whereas Chris bounded across the net trying to figure out how to
factor a math problem.
So, that brings me to
this point: Jessi, how was I? And might I add you look stunning in JUST a
leather jacket.
RS60
Dear RedShoes:
At this point, people might be
thinking…that Red Shoes is a plant. He
writes in every week and gets in the sack ‘o’ fun EVERY SINGLE week. Well, folks, it’s because Red Shoes has what
we like to call at APP a certain RAPPORT with us. He takes info from the website (which proves that he reads it)
and incorporates it into creative letters which give us room to run with our
creative replies. So, feel free to
continue sending in letters like “I eat poop, you poop face.” But your shock value won’t be enough to make
the column, I guarantee it.*
I didn’t do your homework Red
Shoes, because I don’t think you’d enjoy my views on abortion…which are, I
don’t like it and I’d never have one.** It’s not a popular view, especially among women, but it’s one
I’ve stuck with proudly. Chris, on the
other hand, does homework for people quite simply because HE LIKES DOING
HOMEWORK***. Don’t tell
me you don’t get that vibe from him. I
watched soap operas in high school, he achieved good grades. It’s a choice you have to make.
As for how you WERE, RedShoes, I’m
not going to answer…I know a trap when I see it. I am a monogamous, married woman and whoever it was you had sex
with in a leather jacket in front of Orange Julius, it wasn’t me.
Fondly,
Jessi
Dear APP,
I must say I am
shocked with you. I recently wrote in a
question about America's isolationism, and you actually responded with RATIONAL
THOUGHTS!!! What is wrong with you?!?!?!
Where is the sarcasm?!?!?! You
need to do much better than this
Prope6310@aol.com
Dear
Prope,
Forgive.
I'm just warming up, but let it also be said that I hope to have more tricks in
my Bag O' Responses than just sarcasm. I try to respond in the spirit of the
letter, and yours seemed fairly earnest. Plus, isolationism is a topic I'm
interested in. Part of me finds the idea of a Great American Wall keeping us
safe from all the nuts in the world (or maybe keeping them safe from us)
attractive, even if it is only a fantasy.
The
Dear APP: motto is nothing if not We Aim To Please, however; and if
sarcasm is what you need, I shall not fail in that regard. Since it also seems
that there are only about five of you reading this website, we should probably
be able to meet each of your individual needs with little problem.
And
there was your sarcasm. I hope you enjoyed.
Dear Jessi,
I read your article
about your migraine and boy could I relate to you!!!! I did the stupidist, stupidist thing this weekend and the
punishment was the worst migraine you can imagine ( and based on what you wrote
I know you're with me on this one!!)
Anyway I had a dinner party and cooked a great meal and naturally I
wanted to serve wine with it. I know, I
know it pretty obvious where this is heading!!! Anyway I drank too much and got really sick and threw up, and the
result: A migraine the SIZE OF A
WHALE!!!! It was such a dumb thing for
me to do, but I thought you'd like to know that there are other people out
there who get migraines too. So keep
fighting the fight GIRL!!!!
Sambrutus@aol.com
Sam:
Yes, I will keep fighting the
fight…girl. I am striving to keep this
letter…street. Ahem…anyway, I
sympathize with you and your pain, but am still wary of your supposed migraine
as it seems to me it was what we drunk people call “a hangover”. I had a “hangover” so bad one weekend that I
woke up with a “sprained ankle” and “all of my change missing”. I know it’s a dirty word, and you feel like
a worthless bum for admitting to it, but sometimes you have to say…THIS
MIGRAINE IS SIMPLY A HANGOVER. On the
other hand…some people’s migraines are indeed triggered by something in red
wine, so it might very well have been a migraine, in which case…I weep for
you. I’m not afraid to flip flop on the
issues that matter.
Painfully,
Jessi
Dear APP,
Be concerned. Be very
concerned.
Your friend,
Carcazoid
[carcazoid@hotmail.com]
Dear
Carcazoid,
Oh,
I am, Carcazoid. I am. According to some of our correspondence, many of you
have chosen to read traditional meanings into our color scheme. That is,
because of the yellow, you think of Jessi as the "cowardly" one, and
because of the green, I am seen as the "jealous" one. People, please.
I know that good authors are supposed to simply put their work out there and
let scholars interpret it as they will. But I really must intervene. Those of
you that have chosen to interpret our colors in this way are simply wrong. I am
not jealous - what could I be jealous of? - and it is well known that Jessi is
not a coward, she is just very "cautious."
P.S.
By the way - my word processor has drawn a squiggly red line underneath your
name, which tells me that your name is misspelled. Unfortunately, it cannot
provide the correct spelling, although it suspects that "Caucasoid"
may be correct. If you don’t mind, Caucasoid, just to be safe, I will refer to
you by this new name for the remainder of the reply. On the off chance that I and my word processor are mistaken, we
apologize.
APP:
Is Jessi hot or what?
Remember when I wrote
you and it was funny? No? Me either.
PderDragin@aol.com
Dear Jay Mohr:
What was your screen name two
months ago? I think it’s funny how
screen names pop up based on current trends.
Imagine if aol had been as prevalent 6 years ago…how many Noid screen
names we would have had. I mean,
literally the DAY after Star Wars Episode One came out…the Sith, Darth, Maul,
Jar Jar and other assorted versions of these started popping up. I belong to a mailing list wherein someone
wanted a new screenname to be a cool German word and ended up calling herself a
“child killer”. Be careful kids…you
never know what your screen name will lead to.
In the instance of PderDragin, he’s going to have to change his screen
name as Action was recently cancelled.
Am I hot? I’m not sure. I’m told that I look like the following people…so if you morph
them together…you might just get a perfect pic of me:
Jodie Foster
Bridget Fonda
Johnathan William Lipnicki
Lucille Ball
Lance Bass
And my grandfather says I look
like a young Barbara Bell Gettys, so…it’s really up to your discretion whether
or not I’m hot. I also had someone tell
me that “I wasn’t difficult to look at” which is the single most backhanded
compliment in the history of the world, but a compliment nonetheless.
Informationally,
Jessi
what is this????
Transbug@aol.com
Dear
Transbug,
This,
my friend, is our new font size for replies. It's a part of our effort to make
the column more reader-friendly! We could not help but be aware that the
towering 12-point font size of our responses was serving to intimidate you and
the other readers. And, we'd be less than honest if we didn’t say that this was
our intention in the beginning. But we are older now, and wiser. We seek to
communicate to you on your own level. Therefore, we have come down from our
12-point tower to speak to you in your own language - a puny 10 points.
We
hope this helps you to see yourselves as our equals - as on our level!
(Although that is simply not true at all. )
It's
equality for all in Dear APP:, Transbug!
And
I'll tell you what ELSE this is, O Transbug. This is some help in factoring
polynomials from the man who visited this demon upon me, Delavine@aol.com:
x^4 - 2x^3 + 2x - 1. My math teacher explained it all (though not
before yelling at me for not knowing it without her having to teach it to
me). You use a little device called
synthetic substitution.
First, you make a chart
of all the coefficients in the polynomial:
1 -2
0 2 -1
(The 0 is for the x^2 term)
Using all the factors of the last number in the polynomial (the one with
no x term) you go through the whole process of synthetic substitution. You bring the 1 from the first column down
to a second row, then multiply it by one of the factors. We'll use 1.
1*1=1. This, we put under the -2 in the second
column. -2 is added to this answer, for -1, which we put in the next row. This is also multiplied by 1 and brought to
the third column, where it is added to 0, the multiplied, etc., etc. If the final answer (bottom row of last
column) is 0, then x - a is a factor of the polynomial, where a is the term
used in the synthetic substitution. It
can be divided into the polynomial through a form of long division. Looking back at the length of this letter,
I'm not going to go through that. But
this all makes factoring less hit-or-miss.
And Now A Statement From The
APP:
A couple of you have sent us links
to your home pages and said that you’d like us to review them. First of all, have you read our
reviews? We can be pretty blatant and
harsh, and just because you’re a precious reader doesn’t mean we’re going to
cut you any slack. If you submit your
homepage for review you must do two things:
Once your website is reviewed, you
must post a link to the APP on YOUR SITE, directing all of YOUR followers to
become OUR followers.
Suck it up and take the
beating. I’m not going to have pity on
anyone, age, sex, religion notwithstanding.
If I hate your website, you’re getting an F, and you’re STILL putting a
link up…that’s because you’re my bitch.
That being said, feel free to send
those links along…and we’ll check ‘em out!
Read on, readers…read on!
* I apologize for asterisking my
partner's reply, but... I... I cannot promise that shock value is not enough to
get you in. But I wholeheartedly agree with the lady in yellow's advice about
the method of getting into Dear APP:
** You people DO understand that
we might be of two minds on some issues, right? Just wanted to make sure you
knew that APP has not developed an editorial stance towards all issues. We MAY
disagree. I WILL note that Jessi did not make any mention of her opinion of the
legal status of abortion, just her opinion about the practice, an important
distinction, and I DO happen to agree with her here. Again, sorry for the
asterisking.
*** Here's a good example of that
"disagreeing" thing I mentioned might pop up from time to time. I...
don't think "liking homework" is a very fair assessment of me. Sorry
for the third asterisk - I felt it necessary.
© 1999 Absurd Pamphlet
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