Flim Flam and Carcazoid Carcass
11/5/99
Dear APP:
I was just wondering
how you guys go about using this shared mailbag. Do you both read through, choosing those letters which contain
wit, wisdom, things to mock, credit card #'s etc to grace your column, or does
Jessi go through taking her pick (assuming that bastard Chris is a gentleman)
then Chris gets his pick, then the remainder goes to Metaworm or Frecklejuice4
or whoever?
P.S. I considered adding to my sig file, just
because I still have that TRG urge to spite Chris, but then I realized that
Jessi also has to read this and, as far as I know, is still wondering what the
hell TRG even means
Kyle McCowin
[CortJstr@virginia.edu]
Dear CortJstr,
Ah, dear Cortjstr.
Loyal Cortjstr. You are the rock upon which Dear APP is founded, do you know
that? If not for you, what would WE be? You believed in us when we were just a
green and yellow site at abpam.com - not the mega-entertainment conglomerate
you see before you today... But, I grow maudlin.
The Divvying Up of the
Letters, as the ceremony is called, is a secret ritual that is so
incredibly... SECRET, and so... RITUALISTIC... that I dare say any mortal who
happened into the inner APP Sanctum when we were -
Ah, who am I kidding.
We both get the letters
at the same time here at Dear APP, and then we generally just figure out who
wants what. Amazingly, there's never been a fight over a letter. I wish it
weren't as boring as that, but... it is. Of course, to make it easier for any
of you who wish to direct mail specifically, I am now including our individual
email addresses after each letter, like so:
Yours,
Chris
Dear Jessi:
I can understand an
addition of, say, the neighbor boy to the Laminated List becoming a problem,
but what exactly is it about Till Lindemann that your husband objects to? Is he afraid for your safety? Does he think that with the others it's okay
to wish, but Till is too close to reality because you go
to Rammstein
concerts? Does he just like depriving
you of the dream?
Caerie
P.S. You hide
6'1" Germans in a refrigerator box under the bed. I don't know why, but no one ever seems to
notice. You need a really big bed to do
this, though.
Caerie:
You are a woman
after my own heart…mostly because I sense that you know who Till is, and that
puts you in a small small percentile of humanity.
I believe that my
husband objects to Till because I go to Rammstein concerts and push myself to
the front row and because when I watch Rammstein videos I actively drool and
swoon and sit up on my knees and say, “I would fuck that man blind.” I also think he fears for my safety, as
there are several nasty rumors around the world regarding Mr. Lindemann’s track
record with women. What my husband
isn’t accounting for is my general…um…wussiness. I have met Rammstein before.
I’ve had my arm around Till Lindemann, and I was…scared to death. I was nervous and jittery and my face was
flushed and I acted like a total and complete dork. A bolder, sexier, more adventurous woman would have said, “hey
baby, let’s go explore the inside of the tour bus,” but I couldn’t. There is no way I will ever be having sex
with a famous person...especially those on my laminated list…because I am
Jessi…Big Talker…Lacker of Balls.
Love,
Jessi
Dear APP:
Hey, you. I've written
this place before and none of my entries have been shown in a Dear APP column,
and so I've decided to not ... well ... yell anymore. I'll try to be calm and collected.
So.
First off, are you
guys ever thinking of adding anyone else to your "crew?" It's just Chris and Jessi, Chris and
Jessi. Are you two gonna open the door
for someone else, or what? I'm not
saying that I wanna be a part of this thing.
No way. I'm too passive to
really care about any of the issues you bring up. I'm just saying, is all.
Anyway. Next question is ... ummm ... what are your
thoughts on the nuclear test ban treaty?
I find it catchy and easy to dance to.
Finally ... How do you
get the time to write all these essays and things? Do you have actual jobs, or what? I'm sure you don't get paid for answering this. If you do have jobs (which I'm assuming you
do), where do you work?
That's all I gotta
ask.
Josh Belville
[zornog@hotmail.com]
Dear Josh,
Add someone to the APP
editorial staff? HA! You must be joshing us! It's radical... it's...
different... it's a change... and I don't like it. Nope, I don’t like
it.
First of all, what
color would the articles of this so-called "third-party" be? Purple?
RED? Good god, my eyes are already hurting! You MUST learn to think of APP in
terms of the color scheme, people!
Secondly, APP is carefully
constructed on a binary dynamic. Where would this "additional
writer" fit into the APP binary model that our readers have come to love?
THAT OUR READERS HAVE COME TO DEPEND ON? Hmmm? Not so easy NOW, is it? I think
NOW maybe you can see the problems that crop up when you start dismantling the
carefully-conceived dialectic we've set up for this site willy-nilly!
When do we have time to
write the essays and things? Why, late at night, after the watchful eyes of
supervisors and spouses have long since closed. Late at night, when the rest of
the world is sleeping. Late at night, while you are resting for another day...
we here at APP are just starting our work day as slaves to the absurd press.
And that absurd press is a harsh mistress.
As for the Nuclear Test
Ban Treaty, I think it is horribly short-sighted. How will ever be GOOD at all
things nuclear, if we are not allowed to test them? Practice, people, practice!
That’s what it's all about!
Yours,
Chris
Dear bag,
When I began reading
you back in 1999, I thought you were absurdists. Now I see the absurdity is in
a Pamphlet about Monday Night Football or masturbating to Van Damme. Keep up
the good work guys!
Bballrules Jim
Dear Bball:
Hmmm…I have to go
over the archives again…because….::shuffling through papers, scratching head::,
I’m not seeing a pamphlet that talks about “masturbating to Van Damme”. Unless you count the very mention of
Van Damme a case for masturbation, in which case, we’ve got hundreds of things
wrong with this site. In any event, I’m
so glad that we can’t be classified as “absurdists”, because that would limit
what we could do on this site. I mean
what if we wanted to do some cubism? Or
even, dare I say, REALISM? A devotion
to absurdity would inhibit our ability to do so. I know for a fact that Chris had some plans to explore Post
Modern Dadaism in the form of a tribute to Salma Hayek, sooooo that’s something
that you’d never see in a purely absurdist web site.
And another thing,
are you what we like to call a “future boy”?
Because all of us are still reading APP in 1999. Just curious.
Yours in absurdity,
Jessi
Dear APP:
I submit only the
facts to you. About a year ago, I fell
in love (the teenager version). She
wouldn't go out with me. I got over her
and maintained a platonic relationship up to and including the present time.
Recently, however, she
has mentioned a dream in which she slept with me (actually slept, none of the
actual deed). In addition, she said
that she randomly thinks she hears my voice.
She has also said that I'm cute, funny,
and smart.
She denies that she's
interested, which I think is either because she's unwilling to consciously
admit she wants me or because she has a boyfriend. However, I'd like your take on it.
Thanks,
DELAVINE@aol.com
Dear Dan,
I am not exactly
certain, Dan, but there is a big chance that you are actually ME. What you are
saying sounds so much like my own life as a teenager (which occurred a little
over ten years ago—I am guessing that I am almost twice as old as you) that I
can only conclude that your letter was actually written by me in the past,
somehow entered a dimensional time-gate, and has made its way here to the
website I maintain as an adult.
Accordingly, let me
give my younger self some words of older wisdom that I SWEAR TO GOD if we ever
have time travel technology, I plan to hand deliver.
1) That girl you’re in
love with? She’s an irresponsible bitch. She knows exactly what she’s
doing when she tells you she’s dreaming about you and hearing your voice. She’s
trailing you along. Lose her.
2) There really are other
girls for you - in fact, there are girls that would really like to go
out with you, only you’re ignoring them for this bitch. Believe me - you will
kick yourself later in life for not paying attention to them.
Dan - for my sake, drop
this woman and move on.
Chris
Hey,
I just had to reply to
your message about panting after Jason (Max) [ed note: Jason Behr, star of Roswell, Jessi
Laminate]. I can totally relate. My teenage son and daughter think I am
NUTS!!! I am recently divorced and enjoy looking at good-looking guys. I have Jason as a wallpaper on my computer
so I can see him every time I log-on. I
keep telling my friends...hey, he is legal!! lolol
Sandy
Sandy,
Thank you very much
for confirming that my laminated list choices are, in fact, popular
choices. At this time I have Ricky
Williams as my desktop pattern, but that’s only because I can’t find a Jason
Behr jpg that truly captures his beauty.
Jason Behr…becomes cuter every time I see him, and I’m not even sure
what I’m going to do, or how I’m going to react when I see him kiss someone, or
see him shirtless or see him show up naked on my front steps. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? I’ll just have to wait and see.
In the meantime, I’m
going to watch Roswell with great ferocity.
Love,
Jessi
Chris,
I'll use that code for
my question:
lim lim limm kipper
lim lim. Lim limm lim lim lim kipper limm kipper lim lim. Lim kipper lim,
kipper lim lim. Lim limm lim lim kipper lim lim. Lim kipper lim limm?
Lim kipper lim
Sambrutus@aol.com
Dear Sam,
Using the code to
decrypt your message, and then to send a coded message of my own, I reply:
Flim flam flam flam
flammity flam flim. Flimmity flam flim? Flim flkam flam flim!
Flam,
Chris
P.S. What code are we
talking about, again?
Dear Jessi,
Shame, shame.
Shame on you for using
the popularity of my name to increase the readership of your fledgling website.
Shame on you for expecting visitors to APP to look up my email address (bdfjkdlsa;fjkdla;jfkdla;jfkdl;ajfkdla;jfkdl;ajfkdla;>
) in the archives, shame on you for not publishing my site's title and address
(fdjaklfjdkla;fj <fjdkla;fjkdla;jfdkl;a> ), and shame on you for
biting your toenails in the bathtub. That's just nasty.
Your friend,
Carcazoid
Carcazoid,
I see that already,
in the short existence of Dear APP, we have developed an…arch nemesis. Well, I must say that it’s happened earlier
than I expected. I don’t want to do
battle with you Carcazoid, and in fact I’d love to review your website. But the simple fact is this…I don’t like
when other people tell me HOW to do my job.
My job is to blindly criticize everyone…and just because you are King
Shit Of Carcazoid Mountain doesn’t mean you’re not susceptible to it. So tell me this…do you want me to review your
website or no?
(And by the
way…don’t send your little flunkies to write me letters saying how cool you and
your website are. The only way to sway
my opinion is with cold hard cash or cold hard Germans.)
As for you SPYING ON
ME in the bathtub, I’ll report that to the authorities…but while you’re there,
you could at least fix me a cold drink or something.
Jessi
And now, dear
readers, my final thought:
I’m sending in my
letters column contribution early today, because, I’m afraid I’ll be killed tomorrow. I know I know, you’re saying…Jessi, no! Carcazoid doesn’t hate you that much…
It’s not Carcazoid I
fear. It’s…the maillady. You see, I yelled at her this afternoon for
delivering another office’s mail to my desk for the…fourth or fifth time. Upon reflection of this, I was racked with
guilt, and decided to speak with Chris about it. Chris then reminded me that I had, in fact, reprimanded A POSTAL
WORKER…and that today was most certainly the last day of the rest of my life.
And as I leave, I have
to say, it must be nice to hold a work position in which people fear to
criticize or discipline you out of fear that you’ll snap and blow their heads
off. It must bring a certain freedom to
know that you can just look at someone, raise an eyebrow and say, “ARE YOU SURE
YOU’RE UNHAPPY WITH YOUR SERVICE?” and simply watch that person slink
away. I might have chosen the wrong
profession.
And now, I’m off to
enjoy a scotch and some quality french onion dip with Ruffles Brand Potato
Chips. Looks like that herbal detox I
did last week was for naught. If I
return tomorrow, so be it…but if I don’t…please tell the world that I went
valiantly, not shirking my APP duties as I went.
Jessi
APP:
For the Naming Contest
Fictionarium:
Stuff That Isn't Real
Vonnegut's Waste Paper
Basket
English Puree
Featurama:
Stuff That's Somewhat
Real, But Only in a Subjective Way
You MIGHT Be
Interested!
Vonnegut's Garbage
Disposal
Sorry if it all seems
to be aimed at mocking your writing, but self-deprecation seems to be your
(plural) thing.
Dan
PS: Chris, are you going to always be the one
answering my letters? I hope so. As a teenage male, I am scared of Jessi.
DELAVINE@aol.com
Dear Delavine,
I... I'm afraid I have
to lash out at you here, Dan. It hurts me to do this, since you may well be my
younger self speaking through some sort of time portal. But here goes. You see,
you have mocked - YES, MOCKED - the writing here at APP, and that...
that is something I simply cannot abide. Even if it does come from me. You may
be right that self-deprecation is sometimes our "thing," but let's
break that word down: SELF deprecation. SELF. Until I am sure we are the
same person, YOU... are not allowed.
Chris
Dear APP:
I do believe I can
handle a review of my page...i trust your judgement. and if i can't, well,
there's always suicide so here goes the link...(and btw I love it when you call
me Deb, baby.)
Debbie51273@aol.com
Dear Deb,
Your link only led to a
page asking me if I wanted to have my VERY OWN home page in the AOL
Hometown. To that, I can only say that I spent far too much time in the AOL
hometown as it was.
Chris
Special Carcazoid
Presupplement
Dear APP:
I welcome your review
and comments on my site, “BLAH BLAH” <http://Blah.blah.blah.blah>
(link and title withheld by editors for reasons explained below), but expect
reciprocity.
As for placing a link
on my page post-coitus, so to speak, I'll do yours if you do mine.
Your friend,
Carcazoid
Expect
Reciprocity. EXPECT RECIPROCITY. Well children. It’s come time for me to hold up young Carcazoid as an
example. Carcazoid decided to respond
to our generous offer to review homepages as a feature of OUR website. He even took the time to cut and paste the
rules of the review submission INTO his email, as if we’d forget what we
wrote. However, it’s clear in his email
that he has no intention of cooperating.
PART OF OUR
SYMBIOTIC RELATIONSHIP, CARCAZOID, IS NOT THREATENING ME WITH RECIPROCITY. Don’t MAKE me come over there and tear your
site a new asshole. You will put the
link up with no questions asked, no smart ass remarks and NO reciprocity unless
it’s to say “I love this site, it’s 14% better than mine, so check it
out.”
Also, you seem to
think we’re going to furnish you with a virtual marketing package for your
homepage, when in reality the link you’ll have on our site is the link that
will be IN THE REVIEW, which will be ON THE FRONT PAGE and IN THE ARCHIVE for
all time. I guess that’s not good enough
to warrant one stinking line of credit on your site without the dreaded
reciprocity. Sorry.
Let me give the
rules again.
1. Give me your
link, and I will review your site with vigor, posting the review and the link
on my website’s front page in its archives for all eternity, be it good or bad.
2. YOU WILL THEN PUT
A LINK TO MY SITE ON YOUR SITE SAYING "I WAS REVIEWED BY JESSI (OR CHRIS)
AT APP. VISIT THEIR SITE TO SEE WHAT
THEY SAID" or some reasonable facsimile.
It's so simple - so lacking in server space. This link can be directly to your review, or to our front page -
I'm GIVING YOU A CHOICE.
If you are unwilling
to submit to these TWO simple rules without biting sarcasm, then don’t send me
your link.
Perhaps Carcazoid
would like to reconsider his submission and resubmit his link. I promise that there will be no hard
feelings, and I’ll be thoroughly objective in my review.
Thank you and good
night.
Jessi
© 1999 Absurd Pamphlet
Press