|
APP
Blind Date Set-Up
Audrey
MacArthur, 24, Advertising Junior Executive, was looking for someone
interesting, and we here at APP found him.Darth Maul, Zabrak, Martial Arts
enthusiast and, by occupation, a Sith. We sent them out for Tapas on
the North Side of Chicago, and let them take it from there. Here's
what Maul and Audrey had to say:
Audrey:
Well, first off, I love motorcycles, and Maul had one... a really cool
one. He had some huge complicated name for it, but he said I could
call it a crotch rocket. We both laughed. His teeth aren't so
great... but wow, he's got some really nice eyes.
Maul: The master said I would find a
woman.. and I have... Audrey, however, seems to follow the
force. Her stance on malicious killing is quite obviously opposite of
mine, and I'm not sure we can get past that. On the up side... she's
got a nice smile, and I tested her blood and muscle tone with a prick to
the arm that she hardly noticed - she's healthy, and could bear me a son.
Audrey: He wore black, all black, and he's got
some sort of tattoo or something on his face. It's kind of cool, but
a little offputting. I had to wrap my arms around him as we drove,
and his muscles are rock hard. I dig that. I like guys who take
care of themselves. It was a little cold and he wore a hood.I didn't
realize until we got to the restaurant that it was to hide the multitude of
horns on his head. He said it's typical of his species... I
laughed. He's got a really dry sense of humor.
Maul: If it were up to me, I'd strap her to the
back of my transport and take her back to Sidious to receive his
approval. If we could get her to embrace the dark side, a marriage
between us would be much easier. We could breed.that would be the
only reason to get married. I do not love. My parents were
killed in a massive battle when I was young and I've denounced all of their
beliefs and ways. There is no love, there is no goodness, there is no
force.the master taught me that. I have decided to live my life in
the way of the Sith, embracing evil and darkness, achieving power through
violence.
Audrey: Maul and I have much different views of
marriage and a committed relationship. I think that someone must have
broken his heart at some time. I'm sorry for him. BUT, we both
know some stuff about martial arts, he does stuff with jo sticks and a
little judo, and I've got those Tae Bo video tapes. That Billy Blanks
inspires me!
Maul: Billy Blanks. The master has
instructed me to destroy him. I will deploy three reconnaissance
droids to find him and then he will suffer the wrath of the dark
side. Audrey finds his work inspiring. Billy Blanks is insipid
and weak.I will impress my date by murdering him and smearing his
still-warm heart on my chest.
Audrey: I think Maul is into S&M or
something.which is fine, I'm open to experimentation. Plus he takes
it slow. He didn't even try to kiss me at the end of the night.
In fact, he didn't talk much at all, and when he did... it seemed like his
voice didn't match with his body.
Maul: If Audrey refuses my offer of marriage, I
will simply administer a heart slowing drug which will knock her
unconscious until the ceremony is performed. She will bear me a half
Zabrak, half human son and together, we will rule the galaxy, turning all
to the dark side. I will be a Sith master, trust it.
Audrey: I think I'll call him again. He DID
kill the valet guy with some GIANT laser pointer pen, but he said it was
because he could read his thoughts and the guy was checking out my
rack. So he's protective, I'll always feel safe around Maul.
Featurama - Home
|