Jessi’s Running Commentary for January 28, 2000
If I hear one more person complain about the weather, when it’s honestly
been one of the mildest winters we have seen, I’m going to put them in a hammerlock
and make them watch Son In Law…what is the deal with these new conversation
heart phrases? DON’T TELL. What the? Is this the conversation heart you give to
the little boys that you’re touching during the month of February?…I saw the
new ‘N Sync video for Bye Bye Bye last night….Holy Mother Of PETE…I urge all of
you not to look at them as a boy band anymore, but as a man band, wearing
leather pants…and that’s all I’m going to say about it…I don’t like this
category in the Golden Globes of Best Supporting Actor in a Series, Miniseries
or Made For T.V. Movie. This glomming together of categories results in crazy occurrences
like Peter Fonda going up against David Spade…I’m proud to say that it’s the
year 2000 and I’ve never seen Titanic…Is the Will of Will and Grace gay in real
life? If not, give him my number…I may have to get back surgery, but we’re
trying steroids first, and I have to tell you the side effect list is daunting:
mood swings, insatiable appetite, trouble sleeping, black tarrish stools and
coffee ground like vomit. Thank God this is only going to last for six days. If
my parents can get a plane ticket for $29 two weeks from now, is there ANY
REASON AT ALL that my cousin should have to pay $1400 to go to his aunt’s funeral?
That’s a lot of overhead cost…AT&T, Mindspring, Ameritech: all y’all
suck...One more thing about ‘N Sync. There’s no reason for you to make fun of
me for being in love with Lance Bass. I mean, he’s almost twenty one…certainly
not a boy any more. And in this video, I’m telling you, I just want to put a leash
on him and have him sleep at the foot of my bed. We really DO have the exact
same haircut…my doctor says I should cut out dairy, red meat, pasta, rice,
fats, bananas and caffeine. WHAT ELSE IS THERE? It’s going to be tough since I
hate tomatoes AND fish…someday I want to see an X Files promo that says
"this week’s episode is pretty straightforward X Files fare". Must I
be COMPLETELY UNPREPARED for what happens on this serial EVERY SINGLE WEEK?…I
love the word tranquility…my foot is asleep…the thing about Lance is he’s
pretty innocent acting and stuff, and I know he’s portrayed as THE SHY BOY in
the group, but I’m telling you, get a look at him dancing, in leather pants,
with that spiky hair…and you’ll know different. He’s a sex maniac… speaking of
sex maniacs, can’t we just cut Jean Claude Van Damme A LITTLE bit of slack? I
mean, he’s not the greatest actor in the world, you know it, I know it, and you
know what else? He knows it. No one can deny that Kickboxer is a fantastic movie,
and so is Sudden Death. Jean Claude movies are ideal for rainy Sundays, when
football has ended, and you’re flipping around…and there he is, roundhouse
kicking someone in the throat, plus, he’s a good kisser, from what I’ve seen.
God bless him. And God Bless You.
© 1999
Absurd Pamphlet Press