This week we begin an exciting series of articles for you youngsters and social misfits out there in the crowd. We like to call it…LIFE LESSONS. Some simple tips and hints that will guide you into successful, if not inexplicably bland adulthood. Today we learn…

HOW TO CALL IN TO A SPORTS RADIO TALK SHOW

This medium is ideal for angry high school sports stars who are all grown up and have an undying need to feel they achieved something in the athletic field. Of course, being on the radio can be nerve racking, especially if you forget to turn YOUR radio off. Following are some tips to a successful, ONE MINUTE phone call (invariably, this is all the time the hosts EVER have, so it’s best to keep your call intact)

· First of all, always ask the hosts how they are feeling. Their status is usually stable from phone call to phone call, but its good to make sure.

· If you’re someone who has no life whatsoever and calls sports shows often, make sure your name is recognizable, either by adding a zany adjective or identifying with your given suburb name. I.E. – “Hi Guys, this is Crazy Rick from Naperville!” You can do this before or after asking how the host is.

· There are two ways to approach your team. You can either be blindly confident that your team is going all the way, even if they are the Cubs or the Browns OR…OR, you can be Mr. Heads-Are-Going-To-Roll. Mr. HAGTR doesn’t pussy foot around. If one player makes one mistake in one game that your team wins ANYWAY, its best to call for him to be fired or replaced IMMEDIATELY. Tell your host that YOU or HE or SOME BUM off the street would do a better job.

· When asked how your team can improve its play, first of all, I beg you to realize that they are NOT LISTENING. Then tell your host that the team needs to “step up” and “stay hungry”.

· You always sound smarter if you say obvious things but make them sound deep. “I think we have to get the ball in the endzone.” NEVERMIND that this is every team’s goal, for US, it’s a secret weapon. Remember what the greatest coach of all time, MIKE DITKA said… “WE HAVE TO GO OUT AND PLAY FOOTBALL”

· Always refer to star players as plurals: “The NFL benefits from the Ricky Williamses, the Emmett Smiths, the Carletser Crumplers…” It’s like there’s a giant NFL vending machine somewhere and we can all have a Ricky Williams…(oh I wish, but that’s a story for another time).

· Most important, when the host lets you know that you’re out of time, make sure you have one last rambling comment that lasts until they start playing Vermont Teddy Bear commercials over your voice.

That’s it kids…it’s that simple! Tune in next week when we learn how to be an audience member on a TELEVISION talk show.

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