The Christmas List for 1999
by Jessi
Listen, all I want for Christmas is for everyone to shut up about freaking Y2K.
QUE SERA SERA, people. Let’s just sit back and relax. Have an extra Benjamin in
your pocket in case the lights go out and be DONE with it. SHEESH.
But, if everyone’s going to relax about that…then I guess I could ask for some
other stuff. MORE MORE MORE Romance Comics. But I only want ones from the
fifties. I’m a picky collector. CDs for this season? I would like Songs From
and Inspired By King of The Hill and also Songs In The Key of Springfield. If
someone REALLY REALLY wanted to win my heart, they’d try and find the
CD…Orrorio D’ell Amor by Nicholas Lens…published by Sony Classics in Europe
only. I would like a subscription to Cosmopolitan so I can continue to feel bad
about myself. Also, the Playstation game that has 30 of the best Intellivision
games on it! How COOL! I would like to have a portfolio of some really great
photos of me…because I think I clean up nice, and maybe the agents would like
to see that. Something I want BEFORE Christmas is a black Ricky Williams
jersey…but I want to wear it during the season…so I really want it now. A flat,
hard stomach that looks good in a belly shirt ? that’s something I want…without
sit ups. Which brings me to my next point…I would like the Lower Body Yoga
video tape from LivingArts. A good quality scanner. A compilation video tape of
the best movie scenes that involve "exhibitions of power". I would
like, AGAIN, a long, silvery gray or wine colored scarf for my black jacket…to
make it look a little dressy. I would love for someone to find me that Rammstein
shirt that I lost with the glow in the dark letters. And how about the
"massive terror" remix of Buck Dich? I’d like that. I’d like a grant
for $10,000 for Stone Circle…I’d like to go back to Europe. There’s one more
book in the Straight Dope series that I don’t have, and certainly need…I have
the thin one with the Blue cover…and the red one, and yellow. I need the black
one, and the new one. I would really like for someone to just tell me what I’m
doing wrong here: I have grape nuts for breakfast, a slimfast bar for lunch and
a fairly sensible dinner, and I’m still not losing weight. HELP ME OUT
PEOPLE…bulimia’s looking better and better every day!!!
Pokemon…I want to catch ‘em all…and kill ‘em, in front of some kids.
I want to start a production company. I want someone to have a Jessi fansite on
the web. I’d like to jump in a cab and yell, "follow that car". I
would like people to STOP pushing…and STOP standing at the top of escalators.
I’d like someone to show me how to apply lipstick and liner and have both of
them stay on ALL DAY, because my lipstick looks great for about…30 minutes, and
then it’s gone. BOOM, just like that. I collect crystal now…did you know that?
But not figurines…or sculpture…utilitarian crystal, bowls, vases, serving
trays. I love crystal.
CANDLES CANDLES CANDLES and CANDLE HOLDERS to put them in…always. And bath
things. Fizzies, bubblebath, loofahs, scrubs…anything. I’d like to eat a
cheeseburger and not feel guilty about it. There’s a statue that you can get at
the Museum Store, and it’s made of fake alabaster. It’s a recreation of the
statue of Cupid and Psyche. I’d like the small version of that. I’d like the
Green Bay Packers to lose every game they play…AND…AND…for Brett Favre to get
up in front of America and admit that he’s pronouncing his name wrong. I’d like
a framed Lichtenstein print. Just a quick, free association list of things?
Mini muffin pans, ramekins, a dauschund, a mini blowtorch, some white satin
pajamas, an excuse to dress up real nutty, more Chex mix, good chicken parmesan
and a new choker.
Thank you…and happy holidays.
© 1999 Absurd Pamphlet Press