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The Unprofessional Actress Part I - Genesis
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Dramatis Personae
She: A twenty something, sandy
blonde, blue eyed woman. A size ten. Clear skin…not
particularly HIP…not really HOP…just a woman with a little bit of talent.
Director: A man/woman/wildebeast
filled with hatred and bloodlust…crushing dreams on a daily basis and
laughing. Those who can't act…direct. Director is Her Arch Enemy,
and appears in many forms.
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Are these boobs right here on my chest
or am I carrying around an extra ten pounds for nothing?
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Felicia: smoker
She enters stage right and stands on
the stage, holding her hand up to her eyes and staring into the
interrogation…er…stage lights.
Director: Hi.
She: Hi.
Director: OK, thank you for
coming…we've looked over your resume and it's very impressive.
She gains a little confidence, stands
a little taller.
Director: Felicia has some sides
for you to read. We're going to read you for the part of Robbie.
She: Robbie. The vietnam
vet.
Director: Sure. You're
familiar with it?
She: I'm familiar with the fact
that he's a man.
Director: Yes…
She drops her shoulders…isn't it
always the way? You think you're a woman…you have the physiological
functions and middle body strength of a woman, but the people in the
"industry" hear that low, growly voice and see that you don't
wear makeup and they think "lesbian", "man",
"weird teenager possessed by the devil". You wear the ugly
costumes…you get stuck with the character "Girl At Pig Roast",
and you've suffered those roles with grace. You've stared at the
director and smiled appreciatively when he said "it's the ensemble
that fleshes out the show. The principals have the words…the ensemble
brings it to life". But…somehow, today…it's the last
straw. Something in that director's snotty, you suck voice just rubs
her the wrong way. As of today…she's THE UNPROFESSIONAL ACTRESS.
She: Can I ask you something
before we start?
Director: Of course…go ahead.
She: Did you look at my resume
closely? Really closely?
Director: What?
She: I was just wondering if any
of you directors could read or see.
Director: Excuse me?
She: FELICIA? Is that your
name? Take a good look at me…a real good look. Am I
woman? Am I? Are these boobs right here on my chest or am I
carrying around an extra ten pounds for nothing?
Felicia: uh…I … umm
She: I thought so. I'm
done. I'm done playing your butch bull dyke lesbians and your
slightly feminine men. I AM WOMAN…HEAR ME BITCH. As of today…I
get the parts I want, I kill the people I hate. DON'T CALL ME…I'LL
CALL YOU…THANK YOU…NEXT.
Next time on Unprofessional Actress… Schmoozing…how
to avoid it.
FICTIONARIUM
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