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The Unprofessional Actress Part II – The Schmooze
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The Unprofessional Actress is at a
party with her asexual friend Oliver, who constantly compliments her and
thinks she's funny, and yet never seems to actually ADMIT how much he loves
her. She could be "imagining" that he loves her, but its
more fun to sincerely believe it. It is an "industry" party.
The "industry" is a secret society that reveres David Mamet as a
God and thinks mainstream movies are drivel. Nothing pleases them, as
each one of them feels "they could have done it so much
better". The industry has their own language, which sounds very
much like English, but has a far more negative tone and is sprinkled with
French and German terminology vis a vis Zeitgiest. To gain membership
into the industry one must begin smoking, purchase a copy of the book
AUDITION, and perform a minimum 50 minutes of vocal warm ups a day.
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You
know what they say, GOATS ARE ALWAYS IN THE MOOD!
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Oliver: I think what you're doing
is both brave and suicidal.
She: That's what's so great about
it. Perhaps my total lack of professionalism and submission to the
industry's whims will be a hook of sorts to get me some juicy roles.
Oliver: Ingenue roles are boring,
sweetie. When will you realize it?
She: When everyone stops
auditioning for them because of it.
An industry maven approaches,
smoking. She's drinking a vodka tonic very dramatically.
Maven: Didn't I see you at the
premiere of "Closets Are For Gowns" ?
Oliver: Oh, the one man show about
a young man's discovery of his homosexuality?
She: No, I wasn't there. I
wish I HAD gone though…it sounds like a FANTASTIC premise for a show…FRESH
AND ORIGINAL.
Maven: (not quite sure how to
handle blatant criticism of homosexual theatre) It
was…fabulous…very…brave. (The Maven is stumbling.) What are
you working on right now?
She: RIGHT NOW? I'm working
on that buff aryan man across the room. YOW! No need to wrap it
up…I'LL EAT IT HERE! WOO WOO! Oh, you mean in the
"industry"? Well, I'm "in between" shows right
now, and I'm not going to lie to you…I have NO auditions, NO prospects and
the last time I did an agent mailing I received a cassette tape with a
continuous loop of the whole agency laughing. So, I'm working on a
hard core beastiality porno that we're going to market as "art"
to the underground film festivals. You know what they say, GOATS ARE
ALWAYS IN THE MOOD! What are you working on? Wait, don't bother
telling me unless you can get me a part in it…otherwise, I doubt if I'll
even care, although I'll put a shiny new quarter on the table and bet that
it's Mamet.
The Maven flees.
Oliver: Good one, sir.
She: Marcie, stop calling me sir.
Oliver: You've obviously got the
schmoozing down cold.
She: Schmoozing…listen to that
word. It's awful! Who wants to "be good at
schmoozing"? It sounds like a particularly odorous and itchy
infection to me. I came here for the free drinks and possibly to out
someone against their will.
Oliver: At a theatre party?
People will be begging to be outed…then everyone can look at them.
I'm surprised they don't have follow spots hooked up to the doorways.
The buff aryan walks over and smiles
at Oliver
Aryan: Didn't I see you at the
Actor's Night for "Pink Triangle, Broken Heart"?
Oliver: The one man show about a
young man's discovery of his homosexuality? No, I wasn't there.
Aryan: Oh, you look
familiar. (an uncomfortable pause) Do you have any
Norwegian in you?
Oliver: No.
Aryan: Would you like some?
Next time on Unprofessional Actress… Can You Top This?
Previously on Unprofessional Actress...
FICTIONARIUM
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