The Unprofessional Actress
Part X - The Whispering Menace


The Unprofessional Actress is in PARTICULARLY good spirits today. She is inspired by life. She has lost five pounds, and for the first time in months,

Nodes… they all fear nodes. They fear nodes like normal people fear Giant Squid.

her back doesn't hurt and she has fifty extra dollars in her checking account. You can't ask for much more. She is meeting the UFM for lunch…but her mood is instantly darkened when she sees that the UFM has…BROUGHT A DATE. No normal date…no nice girl from the north side of Chicago…no…the UFM has brought an actress. She is wearing a scarf in early May, a tell tale sign.

She: (adopting sinister tone) Hello, FM. Hello? I want to say…Sara Brightman...

UFM: Hey, UA. Have you met Michelle?

She: Michelle. Michelle. It's nice to meet you.

UA is in good spirits, willing to take a chance with new people. There are many jokes to be made, but she denies herself.

Michelle: (almost a whisper) Oh right! You were at that party.

If you don't recognize someone, remind them that they were at the party. THE PARTY. I think I met you at the party, it's the industry code. In a way, life is a party…and that's what most of these people are referring to, we hope.

UFM: UA and I are starting our own production company, for theatre, film, anything. We're meeting today to talk about some things. I thought Michelle could give us her input.

Michelle: Oh I can't. I'm on vocal rest. I'm doing the musical version of the Book Of Revelations at Controversy Central Theatre tonight. I'm not supposed to talk at all.

UA nods, knowing that even a diva on vocal rest will talk your ear off. The droning, monotone, dramatic, near-tears whispering begins, and Michelle ties her scarf a little tighter, putting her gallon of tea-in-a-tupperware-water-jug on the table. It's filled with fifty tea bags and about 14 lemons.

She: Have you tried a lozenge?

She is ignored.

Michelle: My doctor's afraid that if I talk at all I could do permanent voice damage. My whole cast is really pulling for me though, their support is the best medicine. But, again, I'm not supposed to talk at all. This tea is very lubricating.

The tea looks like it's been scraped up off the bottom of a Madison Square Garden stage floor. Michelle sucks it down, but also continues to smoke.

She: How about a lozenge?

Michelle: I went to an herbalist last week and he gave me some ancient Chinese vocal remedies…and then I visited my aromatherapist for her advice. I just pray to God it's not nodes.

Nodes…Nodes…they all fear nodes. They fear nodes like normal people fear Giant Squid. Around every corner is a potential node.

She: How about a lozenge?

Michelle: I also carry around a portable humidifier everywhere I go…and of course, I'm not supposed to talk, at all.

She: I have a lozenge…my throat has been bothering me as well. Do you want a lozenge or is that too inconspicuous?

Michelle simply stares at her.

She: I mean, it's small. It's just a medicated cough drop, so no one will be able to see how much you're suffering, but I find that they work. I could also sock you right in the mouth, that'll put you on vocal rest for good. Whatdya say?

Michelle is insulted. She crushes out her cigarette, sucks down her swill, tightens her scarf and stalks away, calling loudly to UFM:

Michelle: DON'T CALL ME.

There's a silent tension at the table.

UFM: I guess you didn't like her.

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