The Unprofessional Actress
Part IX – The Resistance Welcomes An Ally

 

Oliver, UA and UFM are sitting around in UA's living room, which they lovingly term The Cave of Unprofessionalism.  UFM, never one to quibble about "manners" or "first impressions" is systematically throwing all the green Skittles into UA's fish tank.  Some of the fish are already dead.  Oliver, is experiencing a new emotion…jealousy.

Oliver:  And you make…films.

We need people from all walks of the industry, who aren't afraid to stand up and say:  "This play is too talky, bring on the sex." 

UFM:  I make…movies.  If I spoke french and felt strongly about "issues" I'd make films, but I don't have that sort of energy or time. 

Oliver:  And how many people have seen your films…I mean, outside of cable access?

UFM:  How many men have seen your dick…I mean, outside of the happy hour crowd at The Manhole?

She:  Boys, boys…you're both pretty.  Now settle down.  Listen…we have issues to deal with.  UFM, we're considering starting our own theatre/production company and we need your help.

UFM:  (making a cross with his two index fingers)  No no…I don't do theatre.  I don't do subtext and intentions…give me a good shoot out and blatant exposition any day.

She:  Don't you see?  That's what this is all about!  I can't fit into the industry because I think the same way you do!  I don't practice any methods…I don't sit in a dark corner to become my character.  I believe that acting is a higher paying version of playing pretend…playing house…playing doctor.  I don't get all of this theatre crap.  Who the hell IS Ute Hagen, and what the hell has she done for me?

UFM:  I'm pretty sure she makes high quality ice cream in a variety of flavors, using only the finest ingredients.

Oliver snorts.  UFM doesn't amuse him.

UFM:  And…by help…what do you mean?  I try to avoid "helping" people, as it usually means I'm singlehandedly moving a piano.

Oliver:  I'd like to see that.

UFM:  I know you would.  But that's a story for another time.

UA signals silently to Oliver, who quickly puts the Platoon soundtrack on the CD player.  UA stands up.

She:  We need people from all walks of the industry, who aren't afraid to stand up and say:  "This play is too talky, bring on the sex."  We need directors who don't give speeches, technicians who don't wear camouflage…we need you, FM…we need you.

UFM:  I make movies, UA…I'm not sure my skills translate well to the stage.

She:  I've done some research on you, FM, and I've learned a little something…like, your love of the movie WATERWORLD.

UFM twitches a little, looks around nervously.

She:  Like your secret plot to shave the head of one RENE RUSSO…

UFM is wishing that the soundtrack would end.  UA is good…very good…she's got him squirming…

She:  But most of all…like all the film freaks…you too, love…STAR WARS.

She holds up a rare Yoda action figure with CLOTH CAPE.  UFM jumps for it, UA holds it out of his reach. 

UFM:  I'll help, I'll help.

She relinquishes the doll and he sits on the floor, admiring it.  Once recovered…he offers his fears.

UFM:  UA, it's dangerous to start up theatre companies.  It's like throwing little babies into the mosh pit at Barry Manilow concert.

Oliver:  Barry doesn't have mosh pits

UFM:  I know…so that poor little baby will end up bruised and battered on the cold cold ground.

UFM laughs at his own joke and throws a Skittle into Oliver's ear.

She:  You speak of the critics.  The naysayers…right?

UFM:  Right.

She:  They don't worry me.  What if no one cared.  WHAT IF NO ONE CARED what the critics thought?  What if we said that right at the beginning?  WHAT IF WE DIDN'T invite them?  And our theatre company was STILL a success.

UFM:  That would be a sad, crazy day.

She:  Yes indeed…sad and crazy…sad and crazy indeed.

Oliver notes UA and UFM…laughing together…quoting Moonstruck.  He has no place here anymore.  He harbors no hatred for UA, just a little sadness for what can never be again…he heads out the front door and UA doesn't even notice…Oliver…has been squeezed out.

 

Next Time On THE UNPROFESSIONAL ACTRESS:   UFM Brings A Date

Previously on Unprofessional Actress...

 

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