Ameritech, and a Theory of Human Behavior
A Review by Chris McCaleb

Ameritech is the name of my Local Service Provider. Yours most likely goes by a different name - maybe something like "Liberty Bell" or "South Central Bell" or "Twin Cities Phone Service." Whatever it may be, please mentally replace "Ameritech" with your phone company's name. Because I'm betting the aspects of Ameritech I'll be reviewing today are fairly universal of Local Provider Monopolies.

AND YES I SAID "MONOPOLY." PLEASE don't tell me about how the government broke up Ma Bell into the Baby Bells. Because whatever that actually accomplished, it did nothing towards giving me a choice in my Local Service provider. There is only one game in town. You have NO CHOICE in this game. If you want to have a phone, you call Ameritech. End of story.

And here's something that mystifies me about this - why does Ameritech bother to advertise? I can understand AT&T, MCI, and Sprint - I actually DO have a choice with those guys. But Ameritech? NONE! I HAVE to use them! So why waste money advertising? For that matter, why do ComEd (My local electric company; again, feel free to substitute the name of yours here for effect) or People's Gas (The gas guys; same deal) have commercials? What am I going to do, say no thanks, I think I'll generate my own electricity? Why do they even bother to thank me for my business? Why don't they just end each call with "Kiss my ass?"

I'll tell you why - because they ALREADY SAY THAT TO ME EVERY DAY THROUGH THEIR CUSTOMER SERVICE

I have recently moved. If you want to give your utility company's customer service a good test, then try changing your address. Or ANY large company. Take one of the credit card companies I sent a change of address form to. (To protect the innocent, let's call them, oh, "Citibank.") I drove by my old apartment a few days after we moved just to make sure no mail was there for us. I DID have some mail there*. It was a letter from "Citibank" including my balance information, my account number, and a polite note acknowledging that I did not live there anymore.

**

Thank Christ no one had moved into the old apartment yet. Because if they had, and they were inclined to take a freebie when offered to them, here was someone else's account number with which to go on a spending spree. FREE MONEY! WOO HOO!

But I digress. Let us focus only on Ameritech and my theory of human behavior.

I'm TRYING WITH ALL MY MIGHT NOT TO ASSUME THAT THE MAJORITY OF PEOPLE IN THE WORLD ARE COMPLETE MORONS. I do NOT want to be the kind of person that harbors such negativity towards my fellow man. I don't want to be bitter, suspicious, or cynical. I don't want to always shake my head sadly, knowingly, with a "What did I tell you?" look on my face when someone does something stupid. This is no way to go through life.

But the events of the move*** have forced me to formulate a theory of human behavior, which I call my "NEARLY EVERYONE'S A COMPLETE MORON" theory. The theory is stated as follows: "NEARLY EVERYONE'S A COMPLETE MORON." I'm trying VERY hard not to let this theory be the guiding principle of my life, but THERE'S ALL THIS EVIDENCE SUPPORTING IT.

I work from home, so I have two lines. One goes into my computer, never to be spoken over by human voice or connected to a ringer. That's my situation. So how many phone calls do you figure it might take to arrange everything for a change of address with Ameritech? In a perfect world, one. But let's be fair and realistic, and give them two.

It took five. And I may not be finished. And this doesn't include the incident with the phone guy who came to install the new line, or having to rerecord our voicemail "outgoing message" again and again.

Call 1: This was the first call, informing them of my move, and that I would need a second line in this new place just like in this old place.

Trying to cut off a potential problem, I ask them for my new phone numbers, and specifically, which number will be my "main number" - the one assigned to the lines already there - and which will be the second, "computer only" one - the one assigned to the line they'll add -  because I'd like to start giving the new number out.

Call 2: We've moved. But when people call our old number, they just get a "disconnected" message. We'd like them to get a recording referring them to the new number instead. My fault! I should have mentioned this!

Call 3: The referral is in place, but it is referring people to the secondary phone line. My fault! I should have mentioned- Oh. I did.

Call 4: We have no voice mail anymore. Or rather, they automatically assigned it to the secondary line.

Call 5: We now have voice mail but there is no signal (The "interrupted dial tone" you hear when you first pick up) that we have messages. You see, Ameritech automatically assigned us to "visual cue" when we moved, meaning that if there was a light on our phone, it would blink when we had a message. We've never had one of these phones. I don't think I've ever seen one of these phones.

So instead of transferring all our services intact to the new numbers, we basically had to rebuild them from the ground up. Here's an interesting part about dealing with Ameritech: you get to start anew with them every time you call! They have NO idea who you are from call to call, what your situation is, how many phones are set up at your place, whether you're a business or a residence, NOTHING. They must wipe the slate clean after each work day to get a fresh start tomorrow. What a nice way to live!

By the way - Ameritech also suffers from the same Automated Phone System problems as other companies: you have to enter your number AND say it, and the menu hierarchy lists the humans last, if at all.

Am I being unrealistic? I hope so! I hope that in a few months I come back to this theory and SCOFF at my cynicism.

*This could perhaps precipitate a digression into the Post Office, but I'm trying to be realistic. I understand that human beings make mistakes. It's no big deal to miss a few ads in the mail.

**This line left blank to indicate a jaw-dropped pause.

***And not just the events of the move. There's also anyone that spoke on camera during the recent Littleton, CO tragedy, anyone who asked anyone questions on camera during the recent Littleton, CO tragedy, anyone who describes the sound of a tornado as that of a "freight train," anyone who describes the aftermath of a tornado as a "war zone," the guy I almost killed with my car the other day because he ran out in front of me, the Ameritech guy that didn't think to ring my doorbell to find out if I was home, and I could go on.


Ameritech Overall Rating: D+

Quality of Unnecessary Ameritech Advertising: A-

 

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