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I Wish I
Had A Bitch I wish I had a bitch. A pretty, well
versed, witty, brown haired bitch to do my bidding at any hour of the
day. If I had a bitch to run my bath for me, or delete spam email so I
don't have to read it, I think I'd be the happiest girl alive. I want a
bitch to get me drinks when I wake up thirsty in the middle of the night, to
fix me a quick but delicious supper when I only have twenty minutes until
rehearsal. A bitch would be a fun thing to have, don't you think?
A bitch could walk my dog, hang up my coat at parties, park my car on snowy
nights and brush it off on snowy mornings. I wouldn't treat my bitch
unfairly. My bitch could live with me, at my house, and eat three
square meals a day, and wear the t-shirts that I once thought were funny, but
now are old. My bitch could listen to my CDs whenever they wanted to,
but its required that they are put back just how I like them. My bitch
would run out at 9:30 at night and buy toothpaste, and write all my thank you
notes, because I'm too busy being a bitch handler to remember things like
that. Bitch will do my laundry, and keep track of when Van Damme movies
are on cable so I don't miss them. Every morning, when I'm finished
getting ready for work, my bitch will say, "WOW. You look
hot. Real hot." As I walk out the door. Bitch will make me
mix tapes and find old eighties songs that I've been looking for since
highschool. Bitch will scratch my back and rub my temples while humming
"Mio Bambino Cara" and feeding me chips and dip. I will reward my bitch with ice cream
cones and pats on the head. When I'm feeling "naughty", bitch
will be on a leash and sit at my feet, and we'll watch Kids In The
Hall. While bitch is on the floor, I get a pedicure (which includes a
foot rub). We'll take pictures of that and post them on the
internet. The important thing, however, is that my bitch need not
perform sexual favors. My bitch makes me happy just being subservient
and doing menial tasks. I'll get my jollies with my husband, and bitch
can't watch. (Bitch might look at me in lingerie and say, "what man
COULD resist you, master?" before I meet my husband, but it's not
required). My bitch would have a good life, I
think. Because I'm a fair mistress. I realize that a bitch needs
vacation and sick days. And if I'm out of town or going to church,
bitch doesn't have to go, because my mom would never understand. She'd
say "Who's that and why are they crawling around my house in nothing but
a Duran Duran t-shirt and a dog collar?" Mom's, I've found, don't
get stuff like that. Bitches are for MY generation, and once having a
bitch becomes trendy, I'm losing my bitch and getting a chinchilla. So maybe you're out there, thinking, I'd
make a GREAT bitch. I can quote both The Simpsons AND
Shakespeare! I have Obsession by Animotion ON CD! I went to the
theatre to see Double Team! If all these things fit you…you might be
the bitch for me. **SIGH** I hope so. I so desperately
want a bitch. |