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I'm
Tired of Being A Mistress Let me be honest with you. I'm
tired…really tired, of being a mistress to my bitch. It sounded like a
good idea at first but it totally snowballed out of control. First of
all, my bitch is clumsy, and drops things on my toes and spills my
Cosmopolitans all over the floor. Then I made the mistake of telling my
bitch that gum chewing was permissible. That was stupid. I find
gum everywhere, once there was gum in my fishtank, because I told bitch that
if I actually SAW gum being chewed, there'd be hell to pay. But you
have to give the bitch some freedom occasionally, and I'd rather have bitch
chew gum than smoke. To top it all off, bitch has some allergies and is
always congested. Then comes the whining, "Mistress, can I blow my
nose?" Well, duh, bitch. Who want's a runny nose bitch doing
the dishes? Let's face it, too, the wardrobe of a
mistress is downright UNCOMFORTABLE. Plastic hot pants and spike heels,
corsets and bustiers, forget it. The material doesn't breathe…If it
were up to me, I'd wear jeans and a white t-shirt and NO MAKEUP. This
thick red lipstick tastes like I put frigging crayons on my lips and the fake
eyelashes are weighing me down. And to be frank, the Bettie Paige
haircut isn't working on a fair skinned, blue eyed chick like me. I'm not always in the mood to be
"masterly" anyway. Sometimes I get up in the morning and I
see bitch, curled up and sleeping on the floor and I think…today's the
day. Today's the day I tell bitch we're through. It never
happens. So I make bitch do some light bookkeeping instead, and I stand
in the corner of the room and yell out numbers to throw bitch off. I
won't do that when bitch does my taxes, though. When I'm feeling
particularly mean and nasty, I have bitch wear a walkman and listen to the
Moody Blues while cleaning the bathroom tile with a toothbrush and a
nutpick. Oh…I just gave myself the shivers. If I get too lazy, I
just make bitch hold the remote…but then I can barely hear what I'm watching
because it's like "switch, switch, switch, hold….turn it up, down, a
little up, down…switch" it's a vicious cycle, although we do enjoy
watching Full House together. I give bitch permission to speak during
Full House because both of us think that Bob Saget, with a collar and a leash
and maybe some sort of shoulder harness…woah…now there's a bitch. So anyway, the point is, I'm tired, and
I'm getting lazy in my discipline, so tomorrow, I swear, I'm telling bitch
that we're through . |