The
Long-Delay Boomerang Company, Inc.
by Chris
McCaleb
Mr. Harlan
Masterson, President
Long-Delay
Boomerang Company, Inc.
2143 Long Shore Street
Westchester, NY 67514
Dear Sir:
I recently ordered one of your Long-Delay Boomerangs, model #456, for $14.95,
and am now forced to protest its inadequacy in the strongest possible terms.
My Boomerang returns after the specified delay of one hour, but fails to
returns to the original launch spot. Rather, it tends to land in the vicinity
of Phoenix, Arizona. As you can imagine, this makes retrieving it for follow-up
throws quite inconvenient.
Enclosed please find the defective Boomerang. Please refund my $14.95, as well
as the $3 cost of shipping it to you.
Yours in disappointment,
Charles Smith
Mr. Charles Smith
17 South Bridge Street
Costa Mesa, CA 87134
Dear Mr. Smith,
We regret that you have found displeasure with the model #456 Long-Delay
Boomerang. However, we think the problems you have experienced are due to your
misunderstanding of the proper operation of the Boomerang rather than any fault
in its manufacture or design.
As you will note on the copy of the instructions that we have enclosed (and
which were included with your original purchase of the #456), the Boomerang
returns to the exact point from which it was launched within one hour - but in
determining this point, you must take into account the rotation of the Earth
upon its axis. Therefore, a model 456 Long-Delay Boomerang thrown from the
Costa Mesa vicinity would naturally return to a point near Phoenix, Arizona -
Phoenix being more or less 60' less the longitude of Costa Mesa.
Might we suggest you upgrade to the model 500, which corrects for the rotation
of the Earth? Less your refund for the 456, the cost would only be $20 plus
shipping and handling.
Sincerely,
Harlan Masterson
President, Long-Delay Boomerang Company, Inc.
Mr. Harlan Masterson, President
Long-Delay Boomerang Company, Inc.
2143 Long Shore Street
Westchester, NY 67514
Dear Maker of Faulty Boomerangs:
After upgrading as you suggested to the model 500 at a total cost of $24, I
remain unsatisfied that your company is capable of producing a product that
deserves to bear the name "Long-Delay Boomerang."
I will admit that at first making the upgrade seemed the best thing. The design
of the 500 reminded me of a Boomerang that I had as a child and spent many
happy hours with. And the first couple of throws worked perfectly - the Model
500 returned an hour later, right on the dot.
But the third throw was apparently too much for your product, which I have seen
not hide nor hair of since I threw it last week. And I have even checked
in Phoenix.
Might I suggest you rename your company to "Expensive and Useless Throwing
Sticks, Guaranteed Not to Return?" It would certainly be more truthful.
To date, I am out $38.95 on this enterprise. Please refund the full amount to
me immediately.
Shocked at Your Incompetence,
Charles Smith
Mr. Charles Smith
17 South Bridge Street
Costa Mesa, CA 87134
Dear Mr. Smith:
We noted your latest correspondence with dismay, but once again we must suspect
that the problem lies in your lack of mastery of the Boomerang, and not in the
fortitude of our product.
Our assumption is that you have ignored the warnings to only cast the model 500
Boomerang in a westernly direction. Might this be the case? If so, we refer you
to the manual that came with your upgrade, which clearly indicates that casting
the Boomerang in an easternly direction causes the blades to turn counter to
the flow of the time stream and send the unit backwards in time.
If you have indeed thrown your unit in an easternly direction, we think you
will find that your memory "of a Boomerang that you had as a child" may
in fact be your lost model 500.
Please consult the troubleshooting chart on page 34 of the manual to determine
the exact date and location of your Boomerang.
Sincerely,
Harlan Masterson
President, Long-Delay Boomerang Company, Inc.
Mr. Harlan Masterson, President
Long-Delay Boomerang Company, Inc.
2143 Long Shore Street
Westchester, NY 67514
Dear Sirs:
It is with some chagrin that I write this apology to you. After carefully
consulting the instructions, I determined that I had indeed thrown the model
500 Long-Delay Boomerang against the time stream, and further, that this was
indeed the same Boomerang that I found and enjoyed as a child some twenty years
earlier.
I was later to discover the 500 packed away amongst my childhood things in the
attic of the family home, battered and faded, but still working. Please feel
free to reprint this letter as a testimonial in any brochures or promotional
materials you may have.
Sincerely,
Charles Smith
© 1999 Absurd
Pamphlet Press