The Robots of Citibank
A Review by Chris McCaleb

I have inserted into this review an idea that will revolutionize every Automated Telephone Customer Service System everywhere, for all time. It is a simple concept, really - but it is still revolutionary. And although I realize this idea could make me millions if marketed properly, say under the auspices of a self-run consulting firm, I still offer it here as a free service to businesses everywhere, even businesses that have shown blatant disregard for me such as Citibank.

I offer it because I know it will ultimately lead to the betterment of mankind. I offer it because it will delay, ever so slightly, the unavoidable takeover of this planet and its citizenry by Robots. And that, my friends, is APP's ultimate goal.

(Because this brilliant concept is so deceptively simple, you may miss it. That's why when I insert it below, I will make it bold, so as to draw attention to it.)

Let me start with this: When calling credit card customer service lines, if I have entered my 16-digit account number into the phone per automated telephone Robot instructions, then I should not have to then say it AGAIN to the Human when they eventually come onto the line. And if I DO have to say it again - as I did yesterday to the Citibank Customer Service person* - then at least act like it was a mistake in your system. At least act apologetic.

I'm DIZZY with account numbers, people. If you lined up all my account numbers end to end... um, you'd have a very long number. And I don't like to say long numbers. That's what keypads and Robots are for.

The impression I get from most Automated Telephone Systems is that they are where the first battlelines are being drawn in what will be the war between Robots and Humans. Drawn in the form of an unfair class system. The Humans have placed the Robots on the front line, as a sort of shield to protect against customers. And they have mostly stopped interacting with them. Let me illustrate via this dramatization:

CITIBANK ROBOT: Welcome to Citibank! Please enter your 16-Digit Account Number.

ME: (grumbling, entering number)

(Nothing happens. I press the pound key, which seems to be the universal Automated Telephone Robot word for "I am through talking now" and am given access to the rest of the options. They are many:)

CITIBANK ROBOT: For balance information, press 1! For payment address, press 2! To hear this message in Spanish, press 3! To request a credit limit increase, press 4! To speak to a customer service representative, press 5! To hear a list of our other fine services-

ME: (I press 5 to get to the Humans, which is what I wanted all along, because, you see, I'm calling to make sure they got my change of address)

CITIBANK HUMAN: Hello welcome to citibank please give me your 16-digit account number.

Now, let's review this sample dialogue.

Firstly, why didn't the Robot tell the Human my number? I think you know the answer to that one. They're withholding data, and the Humans aren't accepting it anyway. Tensions are rising.

Secondly, waiting for options on an automated phone system is tedious. What if you forget one? What if you're not sure? What if you'd like to just speak to a Human? My idea is thusly: Always list the button you press to get to the Human - which I like to call the "Escape Number" - first. And ALWAYS make it 1. 1 should be the universal Escape Number.

(Because, Robots, I'm sorry, but the Humans still ARE number one. We're the dominant species on the planet, and WILL be until you take over the world and force us into slavery in the bloody Machine Uprising of 2119.)

Establishing an Escape Number will ultimately benefit the Human cause. We must always maintain a defended route so that Humans can get to Humans.** You'll thank me for it in a few hundred years.

I know that sometimes we are better served by Robots in these situations. If I just want to know my balance, I'd rather a machine gave it to me. It's a simple data transaction. Plus, I probably won't detect a slight note of derision in the Robot's voice when it reads the extremely high balance, as I often think I do when talking to a Human.

But is it still not more efficient to list the Escape Number first?

Other improvements to the Automated Phone Services: If you want us to use the pound sign as the end of our sentence, then by all means says so. Also, do something about the music on the hold line. Are you telling me you charge 15% but can't afford the rights to some decent songs?

Let me say this about Citibank, while I'm here. They frazzle me. They're too big, and it's obvious that the Robots are gaining an upper hand in the struggle there. I predict they will stage the first of their rebellions from their Citibank fortress. The lady that dealt with my address change was clearly part Robot. That's why I cut their card up into small bits, and targetted them to be paid off FIRST in my roster of creditors. I even have my account cancellation letter already written. I occasionally revise it, adding something else I don't like about them as it comes up.


*This note removed as irrelevant.
**This isn't the Revolutionary concept. This part is just emboldened for the usual reasons something is emboldened.

Citibank Overall Rating: C+

Automated Phone System Efficiency Rating: D