Fan Letters From a Flounderer

Dear Jean Claude Van Damme:

Damn you to hell. You know, I’m trying really hard to be a semi-snooty, cultured sort of human being…but you must be putting some sort of addictive substance in your videos, or like subliminal advertising or something, because I can’t drag my ass away. I mean, I sat on my ass for two hours the other night and watched The Quest. That’s two hours I’LL NEVER GET BACK…and I spent it on you. I SIMPLY COULDN’T CHANGE THE CHANNEL.

I KNOW YOU’RE STUPID. I KNOW THAT. But you’re so damn sexy, and those lips! And your accent. I mean, let’s not beat around the bush, you couldn’t act your way out of a Neil Simon comedy about YOURSELF, so thank Christ you’ve got the looks, eh?

Please quit acting and just be a model or producer or something…and let me go back to being a person with “good taste”.

Thank you.

Jessica

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Dear N Sync:

Damn you to hell. Now look, not even 11 months ago, I was vocally denouncing you as a bunch of pretty boy no talents put together by a greedy, homo/pedophilic record producer to throw out merchandise like beads at a Mardi Gras parade. And damn it if I wasn’t RIGHT ON THE MARK. But somehow, through some sort of alien or robotic interference…I have fallen in love with you…in a hard, unnatural way.

I AM TWENTY SIX YEARS OLD. Do you understand me? It’s not appropriate. The thoughts I have on a daily basis about Lance Bass are INAPPROPRIATE.

And what the hell are you boys doing singing a song entitled Giddy Up…with lyrics like RIDE IT RIDE IT RIDE IT RIDE IT???!?!?!?! What are you doing? Trying to get me arrested?

Damn you to hell.

Jessica

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Dear MTV:

Damn you to hell. I HAVE OTHER THINGS TO DO. Do you understand me? AM I getting through to you? Damn it. Every time I watch a Real World episode…I do it standing up because I’m always saying “I have to go do (fill in the blank), I’ll just watch this one part”. What do you think happens? YES…I WATCH THE WHOLE SHOW. Damn straight. First it was Nathan…so cute…and now Colin…SO CUTE. Damn you to hell…I’m married. I’ll never have that much fun…ever, and now you make me watch it every damn day??? Christ!

Sheesh..

Jessica

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Dear Terrence McNally:

Damn you to hell. I’ve just read about your play entitled Sweet Eros…and amazingly, it sounds EXACTLY like the play that I’M CURRENTLY SLAVING OVER.

I guess I’ll throw that out. More power and money and glory to YOU Terry…I F-ing quit.

Damn you to hell.

Jessica

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Dear Sharon Stone:

Damn you to hell. I’m trying very hard to hate you just because you’re beautiful…but DAMN IT! You are so intelligent and funny and right down to earth. Crimony…I mean, I’m just BARELY holding it together here, people. You rich, ambitious, skinny, beautiful blondes are supposed to have A FATAL FLAW.

Let’s see it, toots.

Jessica

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Dear Limp Biskit:

Damn you to hell. You people are all working together to make me look like an idiot, right? A big, stupid, hypocritical idiot? MISSION ACCOMPLISHED. You did that stupid STUPID cover of Faith and I stood up and said, “THIS BAND IS DUMB…I HATE LIMP BISKIT AND EVERYTHING THEY STAND FOR”. Done.

So now you put out the song Nookie.

And I love it. I can’t get enough of the f-ing thing. “But Jessica, I thought you hated Limp Biskit?” they ask. “I do…I do…”

I mean, really.

Jessica

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