The Guests That Were No Trouble,
No Trouble At All
A Review by Chris
McCaleb of the Latest Guests to Visit Us
I've
just walked in the house after having seen the guests off, and I have a few
thoughts I'd like to share with the world:
Manners...
are an important thing. I think we can all agree on that. We all have to live
on this one planet for now, and having consideration for your fellow human
beings is a vital part of being a good person. Hey - the older I get,
the more examples I see of just how rare a thing manners and good up-bringing
are! I see people that have never uttered the words "please,"
"excuse me," or "thank you." I see people that don’t understand
why THEY have to stand in line. I see people that automatically assume my
coffee table is a place to put their feet, without asking.
So
it may be a surprise to you that this review is a scathing criticism of manners.
Specifically, the manners one adopts when visiting someone.
My
wife and I just entertained two guests for a few days. Let me sum up this visit
for you in a short, abstract playlet, which I like to call "We Don’t Want
To Be Any Trouble."
HOSTS: Here, we made this food for you.
GUESTS: You didn't need to do that.
(Later)
HOSTS: Here, let me help you with that.
GUESTS: That's OK - we don’t want to be any trouble...
Yes,
I left out some of the details, but that essentially captures the substance and
spirit of each exchange we had with our guests for the last two days. Completely!
Some
people, when they visit a friend, or a relative, adopt a peculiar bastardization
of the physician's motto "First Do No Harm." They adopt the "First
Do Not Impose In Any Way In The Slightest" motto. And some people have a VERY
BROAD definition of what it means to be imposing. Some people see their
very presence as an imposition on you. To have a harmless preference that would
increase their comfort is an imposition on you. To need food to sustain one's
life is an imposition on you. And it's eight times worse if it's an overnight
visit, because then we're talking about luggage that has to be stowed
somewhere, linen that has to be used, towels, washcloths...
I
have seen people wring their hands with shame for needing a pillow to sleep on.
I have had people apologize more than once for needing some sort of
aspirin while at my house. My GOD, people! What did you come UP here for? Did you want to eat? Did you want to sleep?
Some
more examples:
HOSTS: We hope
you aren’t too cold in here - Chicago CAN be cold!
GUESTS: No,
we're fine!
HOSTS: I notice
you have on a parka under that quilt - are you SURE you're not cold? We can turn
the heat up - it's no trouble, no trouble at all!!
GUESTS: No. We don’t
want to be a bother!
Look,
it's no trouble to slightly alter our environment while you're here. We don’t mind!
We accept it! It's worth it to get to see you! All I ask is that you LET ME
KNOW.
And
food. God! Has there EVER been more walking on eggshells and second-guessing about
what you want than when it comes to food?
HOSTS: We were thinking
about Japanese for dinner.
GUESTS: That
will be fine.
HOSTS: Are you
sure? Have you ever had it?
GUESTS: Whatever
you pick will be fine - don’t mind us.
(Later)
HOSTS: This Japanese
food we're thinking of eating - it's essentially fish served raw. They pick
these creatures out of the sea, and basically put them right on a plate. Does
that sound good to you?
GUESTS: Well,
whatever is fine. We don’t want to be any trouble.
HOSTS: I don’t think
they even pick the seaweed off of it, or even wash the grit and dirt off - they
just capture them, hand them - still wriggling with life - to you, and presto, that's
dinner.
GUESTS: Whatever
you guys decide - we can always just have bread.
COME
ON! Did you really drive all the way up here - or spend $8000 on a plane ticket
- just to fill up on bread?!? It is ALL RIGHT not to want Japanese! We have
hundreds of options! We can choose the food of a thousand nations in this city!
We can eat ANYTHING WE WANT!
Listen,
I'm going to clue you in on something. All that stuff your mother taught you about
being a good guest. That is good stuff - but it's ONLY A STARTING PLACE. Help
clear the table, feel free to change the channel, make up your bed if you
really want... sure. But you are not here to study as a monk in my home. Make
some noise! Move around! Feel at home!
Here
are some simple guidelines for a visit
1) Do
NOT be afraid to acknowledge your bodily needs.
We
all have them. They don’t go away just because you're out of town. If you need
to know where something is, just ask!
HOSTS: In here
is where the bathroom is.
GUESTS: Oh, we don't want to trouble you.
HOSTS: Er, OK.
Well, I don’t plan on being in here CONSTANTLY, so I'm sure there will be time
for you. Here's how you turn the hot water on in the shower.
GUESTS: Oh, cold will be fine.
2) Have an opinion.
If
I ask you what you'd like, it means I want to know, and will probably base my
decision at least in part on your preference! Do not worry - if for some reason
I cannot fulfill your request, I'll let you know!
An
important addendum: This all goes
both ways. I can't tell you how many times we've been at someone's house and
watched them run around like a hyperactive Martha Stewart* to get everything
ready by themselves. We offered to help - WITH ANYTHING - but they did not wish
to impose on us. Hosts, LET THE GUEST HELP.
People,
please - if you come to visit - PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD IMPOSE ON ME.
*Is this redundant?