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Back Havery 11/19/99
Dear
App:
I read Jesse's essay about how nobody visited your sight, and
it upset me.
It sickens me to see nobody comes to this sight, it
really does. So you know what I did, I sent a link to everyone on my
address book - Hurah! By the way, for doing this you must return me a
favor. Please help me in my quest to take Jennifer Love Hewitt to my
prom.
Prope
Prope:
If what you
say is true…I love you. And I don't want to sully this moment with a
lot of grammatical pickery, but my name is JessI, with an I, and the APP
is a SITE. A lot of people visit my SIGHT-- if they didn't I would
either be the Omega Man or Blind. But I digress.
I WANT to do
you a favor now, Prope (looking meaningfully at Carcazoid), because you
were kind to me, and have asked for this favor before. Have you
threatened me with "reciprocity"? No. Have you threatened me
at all? No. Simply asked. And that made all the
difference.
Jennifer Love Hewitt. Do you want to take her to
the prom? Really? Sure, you're first answer is "of course, are you
crazy? YES!" But I urge you to consider two things…modern
cinema and…your looks. Just tell me…are you cute? At
all? You can tell me, and believe me, I have a BROAD range of WHAT
IS CUTE, so you may fall into it. Anyway I ask not for Jennifer's
sake, but for your own. If you're cute…and I mean REALLY CUTE, then
I'd be glad to send Jennifer a note…BUT…BUT… let's say you look like the
kid from Rushmore…(and that's fine), and you bring Jennifer to your prom
and there's a kid on the baseball team who looks like Jason Behr or…even
worse…Scott Wolf. Then you're in trouble, because that kid's going
to saunter up and steal her right away…and you'll be walking home sad…like
in so much modern cinema. The good thing here is…when you're walking
home sad because the movie star dumped on you (and move stars are never as
great as they are on Extra)…that's when the little brown haired girl who's
been your friend for so long turns up and she looks beautiful because she
finally put on makeup, and she says, "hi Prope…you look sad," and you say,
"Yeah, Jennifer Love Hewitt just dumped me for that kid on the baseball
team," and you look into her eyes while the song ZipLock by Lit starts
playing, and you two realize that you're destined to be together
forever.
So, my advice is…why waste your time and why give that
baseball player ONE MORE CONQUEST? Just ask out that little brown
haired girl and show her a good time…and if not her, maybe Shiri Appleby,
the girl on Roswell*, she's less known, and better looking than JLH
ANYDAY.
Lovingly,
Jessi
P.S.
You mentioned in an earlier request for JLH that you were considering
calling a Chicago morning show host to help you in this quest…PROPE:
LISTEN TO ME…AND LISTEN CAREFULLY. If the morning show host you're
referring to is the beast known as "Mancow" I have to warn you…I will
NEVER, EVER speak to you again if you recruit his services. Just a little
tip from your friend (who won't dump on you),
Jessi.
Dear APP:
Here is
my "Ultimate Plan": To be the world's greatest pokemon
master.
I can here you laughing, but here's the
plan:
1) APP gives me a grant. 2) I build the
world's greatest pokemon deck, as "The official Pokemon Trainer of
APP". 3) I win tournaments, donating the money back to my patron
orgainization, APP.
Think of the possibilities.
-Sincerely
(yes, really)
-Zark "Catch 'em all" Xain
Dear
Zark,
We have already looked into backing Pokemon catchers as a
source of revenue, and have found that it really doesn't pay as well as
one might think.
Chris
P.S.Did you
guys notice that the links are now the correct color? HMMM?
HMMM?
Dear Jessi:
While
I greatly appreciate your take on my Tempest quandary (no sarcasm
intended) and while I won't point out that you misspelled my name (hey,
it's not like I'm Carc) I'm puzzled by my "signature." I'll admit
that I had to look it up and this is what I found:
Main Entry: iras·ci·ble Pronunciation:
i-'ra-s&-b&l Function:
adjective Etymology: Middle French, from Late Latin
irascibilis, from Latin irasci to become angry, be angry, from
ira Date: circa 1530 : marked
by hot temper and easily provoked anger -
iras·ci·bil·i·ty /-"ra-s&-'bi-l&-tE/ noun -
iras·ci·ble·ness /i-'ra-s&-b&l-n&s/ noun
- iras·ci·bly /-blE/ adverb
Now it did occur to me that this was
meant as a joke, but I may have been once again confused w/ our friend,
Carc A. Zoid. Please enlighten me.
Love always and
forever,
Cort
Dear
CORTJstr:
Well, first of all, you're welcome…and thank you for the
thank you**. My labeling you as the ever irascible CortJstr was,
unfortunately, a phrase that I have stolen from Molly Shannon and
SNL. I call everyone "the ever irascible ---______" because she said
that about Mr. Jason Robards as Mary Katherine Gallagher and I thought it
was funny. Which brings me to the next point.
You say that it
occurred to you that it was meant as a joke. WHENEVER you feel that
occurrence, I would encourage you to go with it. ALMOST everything
on the APP is a joke…and meant without malice. When we're being
serious…it will be plainly labeled.
If nothing else, though…you
learned a new word, one that I'll hope you use often.
Jessi
Dear
Chris:
How dare you mislead the readers into believing that I
changed my position regarding having one's back. I TOLD YOU on
MONDAY, that I believed the back haver was a fight monitor, and now you
deny it? YOU were the one who said that the back haver actually
fights off other attackers from behind. IF I HAD YOUR BACK, I would
call the fight off due to OUT NUMBERING...and that's the whole point of my
arguement. HOW DARE YOU ACCUSE ME OF CHEATING! If this is the
way point counterpoint is going to be, you can bet that it's going to be
all out war from now on.
Jessi
Dear
Jessi,
Blah, blah, blah. You said Monday that if I had your back,
and you were losing the fight, then it was my job to jump in and finish
the guy off! Well, I'm sorry, but that's not fair! Fight your own
fights! As back-haver, I will watch the door to make sure someone else
doesn't gang up on you - YES, I will do that. But I will not finish a guy
off for you! That's up to YOU. it's your fight, man!
And you DID
change your position on this, damn you.
Come on, readers of APP!!
Who has my back in this?
Chris
Jessi:
I find your APP name of "Jessi" annoying. Is
this some counter-ego at work. Normally, I find you to be a person
driven by the ID. But "Jessi" is some kind of Jungian archtype of
the Urban-pissed-off chic. No smiles, just pure spiteful reaction.
Establishing a fake-counterculture against a dominant culture you explain
in hyperbole. Does the name harken you back to the days of Depeche
Mode and chasing after feminine boy skaters?
Sent via IM to my
AOL screen name: APPFEED
Dear PETER (just to
exhibit my ultimate power in KNOWING YOUR
IDENTITY):
Well…(scratching on a little notebook)….I'll give you
seven points for Jungian…but two points off for misspelling
archetype. The use of dominant culture vs. counterculture is worth
eight, but you precede that with an incomplete sentence, which is five
points off. So that's…eight points. Also, the sentence in
which you juxtapose counterculture vs. dominant, I'm not quite sure what
you even mean, so I'm classifying it as "gibberish" which is three and a
half off. BUT, your theories that I listened to Depeche Mode AND was
a skater are INCREDIBLY on target, so that's seven points back.
And…I'll give one point for hyperbole…just because you found a use for a
word that people only put on vocab tests.
Your final score is a …12
1/2…and that puts you at the 95 percentile of Pretentious Women's Studies
Majors.
Thoughtfully,
JESSI
Dearest
APP:
Led Zepplin didn't steal bits of songs to call their own?
P-Shaw! Go listen to Muddy Waters, Howlin Wolf, Leadbelly.
Really
now
Fred Rockwood [zithered@mail.com]
Fred,
I assume you're talking about Mr. Dead's letter from
the last
mailbag. Speaking for Mr.
Dead, who is not here to defend himself, I think he would say that there
is a difference between Led Zeeplin being inspired by and obviously owing
a great deal to an artist like Muddy Waters, and a rap star literally
lifting melodies and bass lines from other musicians for EVERY SONG THEY
DO.
REALLY now.
Chris
Dear
APP:
I read the recent point/counterpoint with some dismay.
If this is true, regarding Jessi's unfair play in the point column, I am
deeply dismayed. I originally began visiting the site to enjoy
Jessi's work, and aside from some moments where she just seems like
another spoiled and whiny girl, I still do, basically. But I don't
know if I can stand by a cheater. Please let the light shine on the
truth and ease my burden.
Conejos,
M
M:
If Chris was a real man, and a real friend…he would show
his face here and admit that the Got Your Back Point Counterpoint
degenerated into a misunderstanding of original positions.***
As I am a real woman and
a dedicated truth teller, I will admit that PERHAPS everyone in the world
MISREAD my position, and so I would like to state it here again, in fifty
words or less.
TO HAVE SOMEONE'S BACK IS TO MEDIATE THE FIGHT AND
MAKE SURE THAT IT DOESN'T GET OUT OF CONTROL. IT IS TO PREVENT THE
FIGHT FROM BECOMING ASSAULT AND BATTERY AND, IF NECESSARY…CALLING THE
FIGHT TO SAVE YOUR FRIENDS LIFE.
More important is what I believe
Back Having NOT TO BE, which is:
ACTUALLY FIGHTING IN THE
FIGHT. IF I HAVE YOUR BACK, I'M NOT GOING TO FIGHT WITH YOUR
DESIGNATED FIGHTER OR ANY OTHER FIGHT JOINERS. I'M THERE TO MAKE
SURE YOU DON'T GET KILLED.
God DAMN it, I'm annoyed. Mostly
because I KNOW that Chris and I had opposing view points, but the syntax
of those positions made this a confusing point counterpoint. It's
enough to make me never do P/CP again.
Whiny? Come on, bitch,
bring it. Chris has my back on this one****.
Jessi
Dear
guys,
I can sympathize with you guys about the lack of visitors to
your site. I've lately been wondering if my quote page is really
worth it. People used to go, but now it's essentially just storage
for my sig rotation. Since I don't have a counter or anything I have
no way to prove that nobody's coming but the lack of feedback is
astounding. What do you guys think, is it worth it?
Kyle
McCowin [CortJstr@virginia.edu]
Dear Kyle,
Of
COURSE it's worth it! I know that some day, someone will want to read the
entire Bob Tallmadge saga, just as one day, someone will want to review
all your email signatures!
Chris
*Wednesdays, 9 pm, 8 pm central on the WB…watch December 1st for
the most wonderful Roswell EVER
**thank you's - how long do they
have to go on? I received a thank you card from someone the other
day with a gift certificate in it…now do I have to thank her for the thank
you? Isn't this exactly what's wrong with the world today?
Can't we all just say Thank You to someone's face and be done with
it? THANK YOU everyone. THANK YOU.
***I admit
that YOU deliberately allowed your original point to be misunderstood,
I'LL ADMIT THAT!
****Look, I'll say it again. YOU CHANGED YOUR
POSITION ON THIS BEFORE THE COUNTERPOINT. Sure, I'll get your back against
Mr. M on the whiny thing, but you can be DAMN sure I'm going to ask for a
concise definition IN WRITING of what back-having means to you before you
guys start throwing hands. I don't want you expecting me to take on Mr. M
- probably a big guy - just because you fold like a house of cards under
his first pummelling. I'll jump in only if he calls in Mr. N, Mr. O, or
Mr. P to help him pound you.
Dear
APP: -
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