A Review by Jessica McCartney

Well, I admit right away that it's odd, difficult and maybe just downright impolite to review a human being's very existence, but you have to believe that I wouldn't do it unless I planned on giving a good report. You'll also notice that I didn't use his last name. There's a lot of Matts in the world. For all you know, I'm reviewing each of Jesus' disciples in gospelic order.

But I'm not.

Matt is a seventeen year old boy that I met on my vacation. Actually, I've been informed that I met him LAST year on my vacation…but he must not have been as cute at that point. Actually, what it is, I think, is that he didn't have those cute platinum tips on his short hair last summer. That must be it. What I'm getting at is that…I'm in love with him. My husband is aware of it, as are the police, I'm sure…but I can't deny my feelings. There's so much about him to discuss, it's best to review him in chunks.

: He's such a typical, tan, athletic, blonde, hazel eyed, 'n sync-ish type of boy. He wears silver jewelry and clothes from Structure, especially this one red Structure t-shirt which I loved to death. He plays basketball very well, and shoots pool, and swims, and plays softball…I betcha if I squeezed his bicep, it wouldn't even move.

His Life:
He goes to an all boys Catholic school. Oh yeah baby, drink it in. If you don't think THAT sent my little perverted fantasy mind racing faster than John Travolta after an L. Ron Hubbard book, you just don't know me very well. He's polite to adults, relatively smart, funny and most importantly, SARCASTIC. Praise Jesus for sarcasm…I don't know how I would have made it through my college Social Anthropology course without it. Matt found out that I hated being called Mrs. McCartney (since I'm only 26), so he insisted on calling me that for the whole week. (This, secretly, was fine with me, because it added a sort of "The Graduate" feel to my vacation.)

His Flirty, Naughty Ways:
Listen, I'll admit, sometimes I exaggerate about things. Sometimes, I hear things that aren't really there. Sometimes…the squirrels talk to me…but I'm telling you..this boy flirted with me for a good three days. Now I don't know if my sister in law told him that I loved him or not but I did notice that after Wednesday, Matt's conversations with me got considerably…spicier…if you know what I mean. As an example, let me transcribe this one little episode.

Jessica and Matt are playing pool…cutthroat pool. It's a tense situation. To throw off Jessica's concentration, Matt needed only stand in front of her and smile, but instead, he decided to pick up various balls on the pool table and place them in alternate locations. Jessica, amused but also serious about her pool game, needed to take action.

J: Matt, quit it. Put those back where they were.

M: Oh, come on Mrs. McCartney, don't tell me you don't like playing around with my balls.

OK? OK? That's a word for word account of the situation. So, from this I gather that he's a good catholic baseball team kind of boy…but he's not an angel…I love the boys who hide the dark side. Darth Matt, in the house.

Random Details:
He's a Rammstein fan. He expressed an interest in wearing leather chaps at one point and he also inquired as to whether we could have "greased animal" races with my dog. He's an odd little man…and that's why I love him so.

But only from afar…because I'm married…and he's seventeen. (SIGH)

Matt's Overall Grade: B+ (points off for owning the Kid Rock CD)




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