Matt
A Review by Jessica
McCartney
Well, I admit right away that
it's odd, difficult and maybe just downright impolite to review a human
being's very existence, but you have to believe that I wouldn't do it
unless I planned on giving a good report. You'll also notice that I didn't
use his last name. There's a lot of Matts in the world. For all you know,
I'm reviewing each of Jesus' disciples in gospelic order.
But I'm not.
Matt is a seventeen year old boy that I met on my vacation. Actually, I've
been informed that I met him LAST year on my vacation…but he must not have
been as cute at that point. Actually, what it is, I think, is that he
didn't have those cute platinum tips on his short hair last summer. That
must be it. What I'm getting at is that…I'm in love with him. My husband is
aware of it, as are the police, I'm sure…but I can't deny my feelings.
There's so much about him to discuss, it's best to review him in chunks.
Physically: He's such a typical, tan, athletic, blonde, hazel eyed, 'n
sync-ish type of boy. He wears silver jewelry and clothes from Structure,
especially this one red Structure t-shirt which I loved to death. He plays
basketball very well, and shoots pool, and swims, and plays softball…I
betcha if I squeezed his bicep, it wouldn't even move.
His Life: He goes to an all boys Catholic school. Oh yeah baby, drink
it in. If you don't think THAT sent my little perverted fantasy mind racing
faster than John Travolta after an L. Ron Hubbard book, you just don't know
me very well. He's polite to adults, relatively smart, funny and most
importantly, SARCASTIC. Praise Jesus for sarcasm…I don't know how I would
have made it through my college Social Anthropology course without it. Matt
found out that I hated being called Mrs. McCartney (since I'm only 26), so
he insisted on calling me that for the whole week. (This, secretly, was
fine with me, because it added a sort of "The Graduate" feel to
my vacation.)
His Flirty, Naughty Ways: Listen, I'll admit, sometimes I exaggerate
about things. Sometimes, I hear things that aren't really there.
Sometimes…the squirrels talk to me…but I'm telling you..this boy flirted
with me for a good three days. Now I don't know if my sister in law told
him that I loved him or not but I did notice that after Wednesday, Matt's
conversations with me got considerably…spicier…if you know what I mean. As
an example, let me transcribe this one little episode.
Jessica and Matt are playing pool…cutthroat pool. It's a tense situation.
To throw off Jessica's concentration, Matt needed only stand in front of
her and smile, but instead, he decided to pick up various balls on the pool
table and place them in alternate locations. Jessica, amused but also
serious about her pool game, needed to take action.
J: Matt, quit it. Put those back where they were.
M: Oh, come on Mrs. McCartney, don't tell me you don't like playing around
with my balls.
OK? OK? That's a word for word account of the situation. So, from this I
gather that he's a good catholic baseball team kind of boy…but he's not an
angel…I love the boys who hide the dark side. Darth Matt, in the house.
Random Details: He's a Rammstein fan. He expressed an interest in
wearing leather chaps at one point and he also inquired as to whether we
could have "greased animal" races with my dog. He's an odd little
man…and that's why I love him so.
But only from afar…because I'm married…and he's seventeen. (SIGH)
Matt's Overall Grade: B+ (points off for owning the Kid Rock CD)
All content ©1999 Absurd Pamphlet Press
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