A Modest Proposal:
The McCaleb Zone
by Chris McCaleb
My
proposal is created for the Department of Transportation here in Chicago. And
it's one that I think they will find appealing! Not because I ask them to solve
the problem I have discovered on the roadways of Chicago, but because I am
asking them merely to name this problem after me. D.O.T. need not repave
one single foot of street or relocate one single parking space. All they need
do is update the driving manuals that have to be studied before getting your
license, naming this phenomenon I'm about to describe as the McCaleb Zone!
Let
me set the scene:
You're on a four lane road. Two lanes going one way, two lanes the other.
Double yellow line. You're traveling in the left lane, because everyone knows
that's the "fast" lane. You come to an intersection with a light.
There's no turn lane. The car in front of you has to make a left hand turn, so
he slows down accordingly. Maybe he puts on his blinker, maybe he doesn't.
Traffic
is pretty steady going both ways. You can't get over into the right hand lane
because not only is traffic too steady and packed over there, but the guys
behind you in the left hand lane have seen your predicament, and are getting
over themselves, creating essentially twice the flow of traffic to your right.
So you have to wait, probably for the light to turn yellow so the guy in front
of you can edge out there and make his legal turn. You, my friend, were trapped
in the McCaleb Zone.
Being caught in the McCaleb Zone is like being a leaf or a twig floating
down a stream, and then getting caught in a tide pool. It gets trapped because
of the force of the current, just like you can get trapped in the Zone by the
force of traffic. It doesn't help that every other vehicle in my neighborhood
is a van, and I in my compact car am unable to see what's ahead. I think it is
only fair that D.O.T. name this zone after me, because I am the one that is
invariably the one to be stuck there.
Why not just ride in the right hand lane? you ask. Yes, it's meant to be the
slower lane, but obviously, the chance that you'd be stuck behind someone
turning is lessened because of the occasional Right Turn On Red rule. Allow me
to laugh heartily at this rash suggestion.
You, my friend, are obviously not from Chicago, or are familiar with it only
through the numerous films and television programs that have been set here. I
can tell this by your utopian notion of a "right hand lane." You see,
here in Chicago, we do not have "right hand lanes" on the surface
streets. We DO, however, have long, thin parking lots placed between the left
hand lane and the curb, that are occasionally free enough to travel in.
OCCASIONALLY. One of these parking lots is called "Ashland Avenue."
Another is called "Chicago Avenue."
When driving here, occasionally, right after an intersection, you find that
cars have parked in legal spots that completely block the so-called
"right hand lane." Legal parking spots that force you to get over GET
OVER QUICK QUICK GET OVER... OH.... damn! Now I have to stop, and hope someone
lets me over before the light changes, someone let me over, someone please,
PLEASE OH GREAT NOW I'M STUCK OUT HERE AND THE LIGHT IS RED.
So, not because someone was making a legal turn, but because someone was parked
in a legal spot, all traffic comes to a halt. Or, I should say, I
come to a complete stop, because it is always me in this situation. For that
reason, I wish these areas to be known as Right Lane McCaleb Zones.
Sure,
in three or four car lengths, the right lane will reemerge, but it's still
enough to cause a bottleneck, a zone. Plus, you don't really want to get in the
right lane, because... anyone? Anyone? That's RIGHT. You've got another Right
Lane McCaleb Zone coming up at the next light!
Don't believe me? Get in your car and drive east through the intersection of
Chicago & Damen, Irving Park & Ashland, or anywhere at all on Ashland
north of Chicago, and south of North.
And hey! There's an added bonus on Ashland: In the portion of the right lane
past the Right Lane McCaleb Zone, the portion that had finally emerged,
there are occasionally what I like to call Sporadic Unauthorized Loading
Zones. This is where one of those vans I mentioned earlier has stopped in
the right lane, sometimes with hazards on, but usually not, to load or unload
passengers and/or cargo, or maybe just to hang out, for an indefinite period.
This pretty much renders Ashland Avenue a two-lane.
Note
that I am not including the naming of these Sporadic Unauthorized Loading
Zones in my Modest Proposal. This is because I realize the name must be a
misnomer. Because if they truly WERE unauthorized, you would think you'd find
the police occasionally issuing tickets to those making such unloading stops on
Ashland. But since I never have seen this, I'm going to assume they're
operating under some statute I remain ignorant of.
But
I DO apply to be known as the discoverer of the McCaleb Zone as well as the
Right Hand McCaleb Zone, and as such, have it be MY name that is yelled in
disgust and frustration when others find themselves there - not that anyone
else ever seems to. My name would inevitably become a type of curse!
"BLAST IT," the furious drivers will scream. "I'VE BEEN
MCCALEBED! I've been ZONED, MAN!"
© 1999 Absurd Pamphlet Press