APP - My Migraine

My Migraine – A Report From the Recovery Room

If there’s one thing on this planet that drives me batty, yes BATTY, it’s people who consistently claim that they have a migraine headache. After a night of drinking and puking, “I have a migraine”, after going 18 hours in the heat with no water, “I have a migraine”, after watching The Burbs, “I have a migraine”. YOU DON’T. OK? I always ask these people, “Oh man, how long have you had them? What medication do you take? When were you (and read the next part carefully) DIAGNOSED WITH MIGRAINE HEADACHES?” They invariably say, “OH, I wasn’t ever diagnosed PER SE, but I know that’s what this is.” And usually, it’s the per se that gets me. So, for once and FOR ALL…I would like to give you a detailed description of my annual, diagnosed migraine headache. I don’t take Imitrex or any other migraine medication because these headaches only come once a year…so I just suffer through them like a good girl, just like the doctor says to.

It began at 10:00 on a sunny fall morning in Chicago -- a piercing, ice pick-ish pain behind and above my right eye, taking over the right side of my head completely by three o’clock, causing every sound out of the radio, every ring of the phone, every breath of my assistant to irritate and torture me to the point of tears. I tried my best to drink 32 ounces of water, to eat a healthy lunch, but it did no good. The MIGRAINE had started, and there was no turning back. It nearly blinded me by five o’clock, when I got home and was able to take 800 mgs of Motrin…and let me say this about Motrin…FUCK IT. It doesn’t work a third as well as Advil, but in the interest of saving a few bucks I had skimped on quality. I won’t do it again. Anyway…I took my Motrin and cuddled up with my dog and blanket on the floor, laying face down on a pillow to apply pressure to the front of my head. At about 7:30 I realized that it wasn’t getting any better, and began pressing the heels of my hands into my eye sockets until I saw sparkles. The pressure felt good. My right eye was watering, and my head felt like it was about 45 pounds. Suddenly I was dizzy and nauseous and had to stand in the bathroom for fear that I was going to puke. I did this three or four times all night. Walking down the hall of my apartment was like climbing the last five steps of an Aztec temple in 99% humidity. 8:00. I turned the lights off, the television off, and went and took a hot bath in the dark. That didn’t help either. At this point, it felt like someone was holding my head still and driving their two boniest knuckles into my right eyebrow with a slow, grinding motion. I took two more Motrins and went to my room, where I tied a black knee sock around my eyes as TIGHTLY AS I COULD STAND, for two reasons. The pressure, and the darkness. Then I curled up small under the covers and tried to sleep. No dice. 8:45. I got up and made some very strong caffeinated tea, which will constrict your blood flow to the head. After one more bout with the nausea, I went to bed. 2:00 am, remember that tea? I had to just lay there and stare at ceiling, wide awake, the migraine fading, knowing the worst was over, but knowing I’d be exhausted today.

And I am.

So next time you come up to me and plead for sympathy for your migraine headache, you’d better be ready with the rock solid proof and a note from your doctor, or I’m going to knock your sorry ass tension headache into next week.

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