Mindspring:
21st Century Technology...Just Out Of Your Reach
by Jessi
Hey all! Do I sound in good spirits today? Jovial?
Accommodating? Hydrated? Yeah?
That’s because I’m what they call “A GOOD ACTRESS”. You see, it’s 1:30 pm on a Thursday here in
the Windy City, and I’m trying to set up my MINDSPRING INTERNET ACCOUNT. I’ve elected to go with Mindspring’s
convenient and “EASY TO SET UP” Webhosting service, wherein I can have my email
accounts forwarded to my DOMAIN NAME!
Sounds simple, eh? It should
be. Friends…it should be.
Let me start out by
telling you that in this day and age of mind numbingly horrific customer
service (a topic you’ll be hearing about MUCHLY on the APP) I find myself
employing ONE simple tactic in achieving what I want from a “phone
answerer”. And that tactic
is…ignorance. When someone at AT&T,
Ameritech, Northern Telecom, Office Depot or, say, MINDSPRING answers the
phone, I like to begin by saying, “PRETEND THAT I’M BRAND NEW IN THIS
WORLD. PRETEND THAT I’VE NEVER TURNED
ON A COMPUTER BEFORE AND TELL ME WHAT TO DO.”
Invariably, here’s what happens.
I’ll use Mindspring as an example:
Jess: Hi,
I’m having trouble with my email accounts here on Mindspring, can you help me
out with the mail settings?
Mindspring: Surely!
Jess: OK, well,
before we continue, let me just say this.
I don’t know anything about internet stuff. So please don’t use any jargon, just tell me what buttons to push
and EXACTLY what to type. Spell it out.
Mindspring: No
problem. What you need to do is adjust
the pop settings and the smtp server to forward to the alias domain name to go
the standard dial up account!
Jess: I don’t
think you heard me.
Listen, I know that you “tech
types” are real damn proud of yourselves for being able to disassemble a
Commodore 64 and rebuild it into Bill Gates’ Remote Control Bidet, but don’t
shove your Goddamn Net Intelligence down my throat…I’m too busy having sex with
people to learn those things.
Mindspring, upon my first call,
assured me that all I had to do was wait two days for the domain name to
transfer before I could begin dialing in.
“Will I
need any special Mindspring software?”
I asked, filled with joy at the simplicity.
“No ma’am! Just use your standard PPP settings and
you’re on your way!”
Five days later, I received my
neat, blue and yellow SOFTWARE package.
Interesting. That same day, I
was unable to access the web and when I called to find out, LISA told me that “they”
were waiting on THE FAX. THE FAX. Well, when I asked what fax they referred
to, I was AUDIBLY SIGHED AT and informed that you ALWAYS need to send a fax when transferring domains. Apparently I was supposed to know this
without anyone ever telling me. It’s an
instinct we’re all born with…domain transfer faxing. Before I hung up we engaged in a humorous Abbott and Costello
farce wherein she asked for my email address, and I gave her my email address
and she said, “NO, the REAL address,” and I said, “What do you mean?” and she
said, slower, “I NEED YOUR REAL ADDRESS.”
“THIS IS THE ADDRESS I GIVE TO PEOPLE AND THEY USE…it must be
real.” Then she assured me it was NOT
real and, “DON’T YOU KNOW WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT?” I sighed at her, told her that I would NEVER know what she was
talking about, because I go to movies on the weekends.
Well, once the domain was
transferred, following the fax, we were NEVER informed and thus, we went two
days without email without knowing it…just thinking we weren’t getting any,
when really, they were going to some ethereal domain mailbox that we’ll never
ever see.
This brings me to TODAY…TODAY,
when I needed a CRUCIAL, 26 page document from a huge, brand new client and
they insisted that it had been emailed.
Upon calling for the first time we
discovered the following things:
§
Whoever set up my account “forgot” to inform me that the
domain had been transferred
§
Whoever set up my mailboxes “forgot” to do just that!
§
Whoever set up my account “forgot” to tell me that I needed
to actually set up the aliases myself
§
Whoever set up my account “forgot” to tell me how to do
that
Sounds like the folks at
Mindspring need a little Ginkgo Biloba, eh?
I don’t want to bore you by
transcribing EVERY conversation I had with tech support today, but let me give
you the notable quotables for the SEVEN tech support/customer services calls I
had to make between 9:30 and 1:00 –
“Are
you sure that you’re SUPPOSED to be getting email?”
“You’ve
probably set something up wrong.”
“Did
you want this mailbox to get mail?”
“Boy,
Jessica, you’re not making my day any easier!”
“I’m
not the right person to talk to.”
“Are
you sure that you called before?”
“I’m
not sure what the customer service number is…hold for ten minutes.”
Within these phone calls I was
informed that there was a step somewhere along the way wherein, and I quote, “a
very elusive box” must be checked in order for the whole thing to work. Again, like the fax, this is apparently
something we all know in our heads, and don’t need to be taught. Thank God the tech support guy decided to
reveal it. After checking that elusive
box I was then informed that “this was a real doozy,” and that “email doesn’t
always work”. Let’s put that in bold
caps: EMAIL DOESN’T ALWAYS WORK. Ain’t
it the truth. I was then transferred to
another email minion who told me that the email was working just fine and that
the main mailbox had 28 messages in it.
OH! Well, I haven’t even set up
that email box, so I wonder how that could happen…maybe because they set up my
account so that no matter what email address you use, it all goes to ONE
mailbox…which is a good way to run an office, and a feature that I’m sure
people ask for every day.
Interestingly, before I hung up for the seventh time with these people,
the tech support guy informed me that I should keep trying. Yes indeed.
I’m going to keep trying…TO FIND A BETTER ISP.
Before I go, I’d like to offer
some ideas to Mindspring for their company slogan. These are free for their use at anytime. THANKS AGAIN for your help. You ruined one whole day of my life that
I’ll never get back.
Mindspring: Where Do
You Want To Go Today? I Hope Not To
Check Your Email!
Mindspring: 21st
Century Technology – 18th Century Customer Service
Mindspring: Tired Of
Busy Lines? Slow Connections? Pop Up Ads?
YOU AIN'T SEEN NOTHIN YET, BITCH!
Mindspring: The Best
Hold Music In The Business!
Mindspring: Anal Rape
Never Looked So Inviting.
And now if you’ll excuse me, I’m
going to take up smoking.