The Mummy
A Review by Jessica McCartney

Before we even get to the content of the movie…let's have a review of THE AUDIENCE that I had the distinct dishonor of communing with at my May 9th, 2:00 pm showing of THE MUMMY here in the Windy City.  For the Holy love of Jesus and all of his angels, what is it going to take to get you people to TURN OFF YOUR DAMN CELL PHONES when you go to the movies?  Nothing beats being transported back into ancient Egypt and then hearing someone's phone ring THREE times before they answer it. AND THEN, they don't just hang up and turn the phone off, THEY HAVE A CONVERSATION.  KUDOS!  After that first brief phone call, we had two follow up phone calls, and yet the phone owner didn't feel it necessary to LEAVE THE THEATRE to take these calls.  Speaking of leaving the theatre…will all the five year olds who are scared poopless and don't understand the plot please step this way?  Beleaguered parents of the world, I'm sorry that you couldn't find a babysitter, and you really wanted to see this movie.  I'm sorry that your mother in law wouldn't take little Billy for the afternoon.  I'm equally sorry if you felt that this movie would be appropriate for a child who habitually watches Sesame Street.  But you know what?  THAT'S WHY I USE CONDOMS…because I don't yet want to be beholden to some whiny, fidgety hot-dog-begging-for kid who's going to say "WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?" after every line of dialogue.  And speaking of speaking…THE PEOPLE ON THE SCREEN CAN'T HEAR YOU…AT ALL.  And you can feel free to assume that I already know that if a guy is stumbling down a hallway with his shattered glasses and the Mummy is loose in the pyramid, "He's in some damn deep trouble".  You don't have to tell me.

That being said, I give The Mummy the rating of: IT WAS REALLY GOOD, INTERESTING.

Merchant Ivory fans…avoid this movie like the plague of locusts.  It's not about acting…it's not about characters…this is a movie that DEFINES summer, escapist, adventure action movie.  It has mind blowing special effects and the mummies are really scary and icky and definitely something to avoid, rather than the cuddly, rag covered mummies of years past.  It has great car chases and shoot outs and man eating bugs! However, what this movie lacks is something that all action/adventure films DEPEND on, and that is…witty repartee.  There are no memorable lines in this movie at all, and the sexual tension between Fraser and what's her name is about as taut as a tightrope between two Ficus trees with Ann and Nancy Wilson sitting in the middle.  I think that sexual tension is one of the greatest film devices ever created and it saddens me to see it go awry.

The Mummy left me with some questions.  This Mummy, this genius, evil, strong Mummy needs to steal body parts and organs from living people…why would he take the eyes of the guy that's half blind?  Just a question. Also, did the director INTEND for Brendan Fraser to reprise his role as Encino Man during that prison scene?  Or was that George of the Jungle? Also, what about the plague of Frogs?  Where was the plague of Frogs for God's sake?  That's my favorite plague of ALL!  These are the nagging things…the things that keep me up nights.

Why should you spend 8.50 on The Mummy?  For the effects, for the Pharoah's Mistress' outfit, for the music, for John Hannah and for outright, scream your head off, throw the popcorn fun.