NOTES 3
NOTE TO NASA:
I'm not sure how, or the exact details, but somehow... you've
failed again.
FURTHER NOTE to NASA:
All we ask is that one little probe be put on Mars... and you
can't do that one thing.
NOTE TO A CERTAIN RAPPER OUT THERE:
When you took on the name Puff Daddy, you relinquished the name
Sean...I can't be bothered to call you Sean "Puffy" Combs. And who wants to be considered puffy anyway?
NOTE TO BEER COMMERCIALS:
Why don't you just show a guy sticking his dick in the beer?
That's where you're headed.
NOTE TO THE EX WIFE OF MICHAEL JACKSON:
HOW FUCKED UP MUST YOU BE IF MICHAEL GETS SOLE CUSTODY OF YOUR
KID????
NOTE TO DICK TRACY:
I... do NOT need a stylized portrait of people that are actually
on the FBI's Most Wanted in your strip.
NOTE TO THE SNOTTY GALLERY OWNER THAT JUST CALLED:
Remind me when I'm rich and famous to NEVER buy anything from you.
NOTE TO THE COMIC SECTION:
I wouldn't even wrap a kid's birthday present in you anymore,
you're so unfunny.
NOTE TO ANYONE IN A FIELD OF EXPERTISE:
I guess I have to say this again...QUIT USING THE JARGON THAT I
DON'T UNDERSTAND
NOTE TO EVERYONE:
Let's just change the spelling to Ordervs. WHO'S WITH ME?
NOTE TO DAVID E. KELLEY:
We like your shows, but no one with more than two shows on the air
at the time AND married to Michelle Pfeiffer gets to refer to himself as an
"underdog."
NOTE TO THE EMMYS:
Why not just actually rename the award itself to the "Third Rock?" Maybe that
will save time!
FURTHER NOTE TO THE EMMYS:
Don't let Helen Hunt not being in a show stop you from giving her
the same Emmy every year. Keep it up!
NOTE TO VAN HALEN:
That's the third lead singer you've lost. MAYBE IT'S TIME TO HANG IT UP
NOTE TO EVERYONE WHO HAS A WEBSITE:
The reason I'm looking for pictures, is to see the picture...not a
14 point signature telling me who scanned the picture
NOTE TO EVERYONE:
Let's back off on the "ribbons for every cause"
tendencies before all of us start looking like pinatas.
NOTE TO RICHARD GRIECO:
I hope you saved up for an IRA.
NOTE TO AOL:
Sometimes I just want the email address, not have it turned into a
convenient hyperlink
NOTE TO THE PUBLISHER OF ARCHIE COMICS:
You own the CHARACTER. Not the ACTRESS. So get over it.
NOTE TO GEORGE RYAN:
I appreciate that we must have a test of the emergency alert
system, but could we do it during the commercials, and not break into the actual
broadcast? Because I just wet my pants
NOTE TO GAMBLING RIVERBOATS:
I'm intrigued that an activity becomes "legal" when we
put it on the water. What other activities become legal off land? Murder?
Insurance fraud? If, for instance, I cheat on my taxes, but I do it in a boat,
is that OK?
NOTE TO JON BENET:
Hey, sorry about this whole "no trial thing", but look
at it this way, at least you're not DEAD or something...oh wait
ANOTHER NOTE TO JON BENET:
Just think of all the lawyers kids that you put through college!
FURTHER NOTE TO JON BENET:
Maybe next time Mommy says it's time to practice your dancing,
you'll LISTEN
YET ANOTHER NOTE TO JON BENET:
There's no place like home for the holidays!
NOTE TO JON BENET'S MOTHER:
Well, it WAS your dream to make Jon Benet famous. I... I guess you
succeeded!
NOTE TO BASEBALL:
I know you're great, and all-American, and the national pasttime.
But do you really have to preempt the Simpsons?
©
1999 Absurd Pamphlet Press