NOTES 2

 

 

NOTE TO EVERYONE WHO CALLS ME AND THEN HANGS UP:

I now have the thing that tells me who you are and what your number is, so knock it off.

 

TO COACH SWANN FROM JUNIOR HIGH:

Turns out YOU were the one with the attitude problem.

 

NOTE TO ALL STUDENTS:

That stuff they're teaching you about how to properly cite your sources in footnotes? It's meaningless.

 

NOTE TO NPR'S FRESH AIR:

It sounds pretty fucking stale to me.

 

NOTE TO MY ACCOUNTANT:

We ALL WISH we could just go home and go to bed...no need to tell me every day.

 

NOTE TO CREATOR OF BEETLE BAILEY:

SIT DOWN, YOU ARE DONE

 

NOTE TO CREATOR OF FAMILY CIRCUS:

And what are YOU doing still here? You were done years before him!

 

NOTE TO RAP AND HIP HOP ARTISTS:

No, really, I'm asking seriously. What ARE you going to do when you've sampled every known song?

 

NOTE TO SHANIA TWAIN:

Easy there sister, three singles on the charts is enough at any given moment

 

NOTE TO LOCAL CHICAGO NEWS STATION:

Where this week's E.R. was filmed is not "news."

 

NOTE TO SHANIA TWAIN:

I consider it an advancement in the human race that female country singers now look like you instead of Tammy Wynette

 

NOTE TO USERS OF THE PHRASE "IF YOU DON'T LIKE THE WEATHER JUST WAIT A MINUTE":

We've heard it.

 

NOTE TO MAN AT BASE OF HANCOCK BUILDING DRESSED UP AS THE HANCOCK BUILDING:

It brightens my day just to know someone is doing this.

 

NOTE TO MAN WHO WAS PLEASURING HIMSELF AT CLARK AND HALSTED:

Hmmm... I just don't know what to say . Perhaps If you've got it, flaunt it, if it's too small to flaunt, don't.

 

NOTE TO PRODUCERS OF DATELINE NBC:

Some things in life cannot be measured by how they affect crash test dummies

 

NOTE TO PRODUCERS OF DATELINE NBC:

We already HAVE a news show that's on every night...it's called THE NEWS

 

NOTE TO GILLIAN ANDERSON:

Why don't you just get out there and yuck it up a little, eh?  Life's a cabaret baby, swing!  

 

NOTE TO ASHLEY JUDD:

I... I... I... you have reduced me to speechlessness.

 

NOTE TO PEOPLE WHO HATED STAR WARS:

Out of curiosity, what IS your idea of a cool sci-fi movie?

 

NOTE TO PEOPLE WHO HATED STAR WARS BUT LOVED TITANIC:

Oh, I'm sorry, I thought big effects and a thin plot were your bag.

 

NOTE TO LEONARDO DICAPRIO:

Fleeting...look it up

 

NOTE TO MEN:

Ask yourself, are all lesbians REALLY that hot?

 

NOTE TO SHANNON DOHERTY:

My interest in you is at an all-time low. Time to do some "Poison Ivy" movies

 

NOTE TO AMERICA:

Did I miss the vote on Pro Wrestling as acceptable entertainment?

 

NOTE TO LADY WHO CUT MY HAIR LAST TIME:

Only now, weeks later, has the true extent of your incompetence been revealed.

 

NOTE TO LADY WHO WILL CUT MY HAIR THIS AFTERNOON:

Do you look at those pictures I give you?  At all?

 

NOTE TO YOUNG AOLER'S:

Those obscene screen names are going to seem real stupid in about a year

 

NOTE TO THE PERSON WHO IS EVEN NOW CONSIDERING FORWARDING ME AN EMAIL CHAIN LETTER:

Just take your hand away from that button... do it... REAL slow... and no one gets hurt.

 

NOTE TO THE PEOPLE WHO FORWARD ME EMAIL CHAIN LETTERS:

No matter how many times you send it, I don't believe that thing about Disney giving out free tickets.

 

NOTE TO SNEAKY PURVEYORS OF PORN VIA MY EMAIL:

I might fall for it if you only spelled the word COME correctly when inviting me to check out your "totally wild website"

 

NOTE TO ROLLING STONES:

DO I even have to write a note? Get the hell off the stage.

 

NOTE TO THE GUY I SAW SWIMMING AT THE GYM LAST WEEK:

Hey baby, I got your NOTE right here...

 

NOTE TO PURVEYORS OF ONE MAN GAY THEATRE EXPERIENCE:

YOU'RE DONE NOW.

 

NOTE TO ICE CREAM MAN IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD:

You're not fooling anyone, you know. We know you're dealing crack out of your truck.

 

NOTE TO FILM MAKERS:

MORE BITCHSLAPS...there can't be too many.

 

NOTE TO STUPID PEOPLE:

Stay away from me.

 

NOTE TO DAN QUAYLE:

They're not laughing WITH you.

 

NOTE TO NASA:

Maybe people would care more about your launches if you were doing something COOL in outer space besides trying to grow moss

 

NOTE TO FUTURE HOSTS OF THE OSCARS CEREMONY:

Laughing at your own joke makes the joke 99% less funny

 

NOTE TO MY BRAIN:

Maybe if you didn't cling so desperately to the words to One Night In Bangkok, you'd know more about world events.

 

NOTE TO CHEFS:

For the love of God...quit putting fruit in the stuffing.

 

NOTE TO CLEVELAND:

If you have plans to be a thriving metropolis on the lake, get a few more cabs and have them run after dusk.

 

FURTHER NOTE TO CLEVELAND:

Stop lights work best when you place them at intersections.

 

 

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